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POST YOUR FUNNIEST JOKES!! - ***Warning Adult Content**

bigcity Bob

By bigcity Bob,
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Carrello Rising Star

Carrello

Posted
Posted (edited)

I want to thank Qman at Dater for this joke, and thanks BigCityBob for the great idea. It sure beats bashing the politics!

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

barrack hussein obama

And the funniest part of the joke is who?

Edited by Carrello
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Santanna Newbie

Santanna

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Posted

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." *Poof!* God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ..and the tools to cross this river." *Poof!*

God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...And the intelligence... To cross this river." And *Poof!* God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

Seen this joke many times and it still makes me laugh laugh.gif

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pattyangel Newbie

pattyangel

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Posted

ok here's mine...

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,

"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,

"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,

"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -

"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

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Butifldrm Apprentice

Butifldrm

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Posted

Man tells his wife, "Women you need to get in that kitchen and fix me a five course gourmet meal and after you finish the dishes you need to draw me a hot bath". After my bath, you need to give me an hour massage from top to bottom, and guess who's going to dress me in the morning? His wife replied, probably the mortician, unless I decide to have your ass cremated. :D

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bb2 Newbie

bb2

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Posted

A Daddy,Mama and Baby Bird was preparing to fly to a warmer climate for the winter, and they had to decide which direction they would fly,so the Daddy bird said,"My instinct tells me to fly North." The Mama Bird said,"My instinct tells me to fly South." The Baby bird,said"My end stink too,but it don't give no direction."

biggrin.giftongue.gifsad.gif

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zantac Newbie

zantac

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Posted (edited)

What's the difference between *Dark* and *Hard* ?..............

It stays *Dark* all night !

What's the difference between *Light* and *Hard* ?..............

YOU CAN SLEEP WITH THE LIGHT ON BUT NOT A HARD..........ON

:lol:

SPEEDO HAS NOW INTRODUCED A NEW PAIR OF LYCRA CYCLING SHORTS FOR WOMEN CALLED “MUMBLES”

APARANTLY YOU CAN SEE THE LIPS MOVING BUT CANT UNDERSTAND A WORD SHE IS SAYING

:lol::lol:

Edited by zantac
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divemaster5734 Grand Master

divemaster5734

Posted
Posted

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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divemaster5734 Grand Master

divemaster5734

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Posted (edited)

"I'm guessing our soldiers are happy to be leaving Iraq. It is no fun being in a country where there's crumbling infrastructure and an ignorant population, but they said they're happy to come home anyway."

"They say now that Gaddafi is dead and Michael Jackson is gone, we have enough over-the-top military uniforms to outfit an entire ga y army."

To tag birds migrating, the U.S. Department of the Interior used metal bands that bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:

Wash. Biol. Surv.

Until the agency received the following letter from a camper:

Dear Sirs,

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.

Edited by divemaster5734
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DiveDeepSix Newbie

DiveDeepSix

Posted
Posted

Jesus, Moses, and this really old guy were out golfing. At the first tee box Moses lines up his drive hits the ball, and gets a wicked slice headed right for the pond, he quickly raises his arms, the pond water parts, the ball hits a rock and lands about 10 feet from the green. Jesus says nice shot Moses.

Jesus then lines up his drive, hits a nasty hook, he quickly raises his arms the wind picks up to about 70mph and the ball curves back landing about 4 feet from the pin. Moses says nice shot Jesus.

Finally the little old guy wanders up to the tee box, hits his drive, and it goes about 25 feet. A gopher sees it grabs the ball in his mouth and takes off down the fairway, meanwhile an eagle sees the gopher and drops out of the sky picking him up and flies even farther down the fairway. Suddenly a lightning bolt comes from the sky hits the eagle who drops the gopher who drops the ball and it lands right in the cup.

Jesus, looks at the old guy and says, "Hmmph, nice shot dad!"

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DiveDeepSix Newbie

DiveDeepSix

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Little Johnny is sitting in math class when the teacher asks "Ok class there are 5 birds on a wire a hunter comes along and shoots one off how many are left?" Little Suzie raises her hand and says "well there would be 2 left". The teacher says "No that's not right". Little Billy raises his hand and says "There would be 3 left" Teacher says no that's not right either there are 5 birds a hunter shoots 1 how many are left? Little Johnny raises his hand and says "There wouldn't be any left" The teacher says "Explain your answer Johnny" So Johnny says "After the hunter shoots the first one the rest would fly away" The teacher responds "Well that's not the answer I was looking for but I like your line of thinking" Johnny says "Well teacher I have a similar question, there are 3 women, they each have a popsicle, one is licking hers, ones sucking hers, and one is biting hers, now which one is the married one?" The teacher obviously embarrassed says " I suppose its the one who is sucking hers?" To which Johnny responds, "Actually its the one with the wedding ring, but I like your line of thinking!" :P

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Seabee Newbie

Seabee

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Posted

This one here is a bit spicey so please don't shoot me. I will clean it up from the original.

There were three traveling salesmen driving through the country side on their way to the next big city to make calls.

Anyway their car broke down in the middle of nowhere not far from a farm. They made their way to the farmers house and it was real late when they got there.

They told the farmer of their plight and asked if he had a place where they could spend the night.

"Well the only place I have for you boys is in the barn, but my daughter sleeps there as well."

The three men looked at one another and shrugged their shoulders and said, " No problem Sir, all will be fine."

Then the farmer came back and said while shaking his hand. "There's only one thing I need to warn you city slickers about."

"What's that Sir?" They replied.

"If I catch you guys fooling around with my daughter, I will cut your peckers off according to your occupation, and that's a fact."

Well the three salesmen assured the farmer that all would be fine during their brief overnight visit. While the farmer went back inside the house the 3 men went to the barn to retire for the evening. When they opened the door to the barn, they couldn't beleive their eyes at the site that greeted them. There was this beautiful southern belle with long flowing blonde hair and a smile that wouldn't quit. She also wore these frayed cut off jeans that ended in the crotch and a small halter top that had a hell of a time containing her size 34 double D breast.

The men thought they had died and gone to heaven after seeing this pretty girl. It soon wasn't long before they all got together and started playing in the hay loft. Soon after about an hour the four of them had lost track of time and were causing a very loud ruckus. There was a squeek at the door and the farmer sprang in and surprised them all as they were all naked.

With a gun in his hand the farmer shouted out, " I warned you SOB's about fooling around with my daughter Clemintime. Now you are all going to pay the price."

With great rage the farmer led the men to his workshop in the back of the barn. He went to the first man who was standing there nervously covering his privates with his hands.

"All riight buddy, what's your occupation?" The farmer grimmaced happily.

"I sell saws to carpenters." replied the first man. So the farmer got his hand saw out and sawed the man's pecker off.

Next the farmer went to the next man and asked him what he did and the reply was, "I sell chainsaws to Lumbermen." So the farmer got his chainsaw out and cut his off with a chainsaw.

As the farmer approached the last salesman, the guy was laughing his ass off histarraiclly and could not contain himself.

The farmer asked, "What in the hell is so funny with you boy?"

He replied to the farmer and said, "I sell All Day Suckers to the candy stores. Your going to have to suck mine off, He he he he,"

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DinarMillionaire Newbie

DinarMillionaire

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Posted

Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends.... A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ....I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted. :lol:

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smee2 Newbie

smee2

Posted
Posted

ok here's mine...

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,

"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,

"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,

"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -

"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

Patty ... unless that is one you GOT from your Daddy, it is certainly one you can SHARE with him, but make sure the pacenmaker is working well first ... hahahahaha

smee2

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