Guest views are now limited to 12 pages. If you get an "Error" message, just sign in! If you need to create an account, click here.

Jump to content
cisole

Funniest joke wins!

Recommended Posts

On a walk one day Adam, Pink Piggy and Okie happened across a small silver lamp. Knowing the current price of silver Adam was eager to see if it was indeed a silver lamp. While cleaning the lamp a Magic Genie appeared and granted them one wish each. “To receive your wish each must run and jump off this cliff; make your wish and land in it you shall” exclaimed the Genie.

Adam thought for some time and decided on his wish, ran to the edge of the cliff and leaped off landing in a mountain of Iraqi dinars.

Then the Pink Piggy’s turn had come. Without even thinking he ran to the cliff and leaped off landing gently in a mountain on Pink Piggy loving super models that carried him off to his life of pamperedness.

Last it was Okie’s turn. He knew exactly what to wish for. He ran, he leaped and yelled “I wish all of my prediction to come true”. He smacked face first into a mountain of hot steamy bull Sh*t.

And everyone lived happily ever after.

Edited by PapaJohn
  • Upvote 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt! The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little cloud appeared when he shook them out he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'She replied 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flight s go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know" said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Ok, she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know crap?" And then she went back to reading her book.

  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A school teacher gave all her new students lifesavers and told them to identify the flavor she gave them. They all replied Red-Cherry, Green-Lime, Orange-Orange. Then she gave them honey lifesavers. They all swooshed them around in their mouths but couldn't identify the flavor. The teacher said I will give you a hint! It's what your mommy calls your daddy sometimes. One little girl spit hers out on the floor and yelled "OMG! they're Assholes!

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

--A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn."

--A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What's the difference between OKIE and a catfish?

One's a scum-sucking bottom dweller.

The other one's a fish.

  • Upvote 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately went to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,

'How does that feel'?

He replied:” It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.”

  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An 80 yr old lady was marrying for the 4th time, newspaper asked if she would mind talking about her first 3 husbands & what they did for a living. She smiled & said "My first husband was a Banker, then I married a Circus Ringmaster. Next was a Preacher & now in my 80's, a Funeral Director". When asked why the 4 Men had such diverse careers, she explained "I married one for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready & 4 to go"... ;)

  • Upvote 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Little Billy is at school when one of his fellow Afro Caribbean pupils puts her hand up.

Teacher “Isabella what do you want”

Isabella “Miss I can’t attend school tomorrow as I am going to a family funeral is this OK”

Teacher “No problem Isabella you are excused from school tomorrow”

Billy is some what confused but thinks for a time & raises his hand

Teacher “Billy what do you want?”

Billy “Miss Can I have the day off tomorrow to go apple picking?”

Teacher “Certainly not Billy”

Billy “That’s not fair miss your letting Isabella have the day off to go Black Burrying”

  • Upvote 2
  • Downvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Customer goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says,'Male or female?'

Customer says, 'Female.'

Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?

Customer says, 'White.'

Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.' :D :D :D

  • Upvote 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Widow at the Farmhouse

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

“I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Not to worry,” Jack said, “we’ll be happy to sleep in the barn.”

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow’s attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and visit with her?”

“Yes, I have to admit that I did.”

“Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turns red and he said, “Yeah, I’m afraid I did.”

“Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!”

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two old men get together every morning for coffee. One day Joe says to James...

"Ever go to say something, and something completely different comes out of your mouth?"

What do you mean? says James

Well, the other day I was at the airport and the girl at the ticket counter was very well-endowed. I meant to ask for two tickets to Pittsburg, but I ended up asking for two pickets to tittsburg."

"Oh, I know what you mean" says James. "The other morning at breakfast I meant to ask my wife to pass the jelly, but instead I wound up saying 'You b*tch, you've ruined my life."

:lol:

  • Upvote 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ok, to get this joke, please know that an Aborigine is a Native Australian....

COLIN

A rich man living in Darwin, Australia decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only Aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the cojones to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell………… Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars. 'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock Options?

Again, Colin said "No." Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

“I want the bugger who pushed me in”

and now......

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these

blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.

So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to

paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her

husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of

paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the

floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy

parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks

her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she

replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are

dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She

replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it

Said...

You'll love this.. I know you will...

..

.

.

.

.

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

third and final joke....

The Harley Davidson company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks'

pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,

'Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here? '

From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Jewish divorce.....daughter was telling her mom that her husband only thought of sex sex sex all the time and she relayed to her mom that before the marriage she had a nickel size "love entrance" and now it felt like fifity cent.

Her mother remarked that her daughter had a millionaire business owner ,he gave her a $2000 a week allowance, she had a 8 bedroom house with housekeepers, drove a late model Mercedes Benz and she was complaining about forty five cents!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This super rich lady walks into her bedroom, James her personal driver was in there, so she says to him,

James can you take off my dress?, he complies,

now James can you take off my bra?,he does it,

James can you take off my panties?, no problem

James can you take off my shoes?

Now James promise me that you'll never wear my clothes again?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Boudreaux dies and finds hisself at the PEARLY GATES, and St.Peter welcomes him. "Hi Boudreaux! Welcome to heaven!" Boudreaux says" Tanks mon. So what do I do now since I made it, hanh?" St Peter exlplains another angel will soon greet him to take him to his next stop and points to the waiting area... So as Boudreaux is waiting he sees a Huge Wall as big as the East is to the West, Full of all kinds of Strange and Wonderful Clocks... "Hey St. Peter, wass all dees clocks for hanh?" St. Peters says that Everyone has a Clock that moves One click or One Second, for every lie that they have ever told. So Boudreaux, being the Observant Man he is, says "Well Cha, dis clock mus be broke yea 'cause it aint moved but one secund!"..."Oh no," says St. Peter. "That clock belongs to Sister Theresa, she only lied once in her entire life!"..."Wow, dats good yea" says Boudreaux. Man all deez clocks... but... what about that empty spot wit de clock missin hanh, wassup wit dat hanh?" ..."OH" says St. Peter... "THAT CLOCK"... WELL if you MUST know, IT belonged to MR. OBAMA!...Our precious Lord is using HIS for a ceiling fan because it spins so fast!".... "ahh", says Beaudreaux! "Dat makes some kinda sense yea!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Late at night man goes to his fridge pulls out a bottle of beer sits in front of the TV watching the ballgame an drinks it. Hungry he stumbles back in the kitchen opens the fridge an pulls out a cup of chocolate pudding. Stumbles back to the TV an proceeds to eat it. Goes to bed an awakes the next morning to his wife franticaly screaming at him. She shouts where my bottle of pee an cup of shi!! I was suppose to take it with me to the doctor. Still half asleep her husband replies I don't know.

All I had was a bottle of beer an cup of pudding tell the doctor to get his own.!!!

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe it's to late but here goes....

A man and his two sons aged 6 and 10 go into a old style cafe. The waitres comes over to the booth and asks them what they would like to eat. The 10 year old says "I'll have me a god damn cheese burger! The father with a look of surprise reaches across the booth and smacks the kid in the head so hard he flies right out of the booth and lands on the ground. The waitress in shock looks at the 6 year old and asks him what he would like,,,, He answers "well I'm sure as hell not having a god damn cheese burger!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

WHAT DO YOU CALL A WOMEN THAT IS BULIMIC AND HAS A YEAST INFECTION............... 1/4 POUNDER WITH CHEESE!!

:tiphat: THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!! I WILL BE HERE ALL NIGHT!! :tiphat:

_________________________________________________________________________________________

ANOTHER ONE..

THREE GUYS ON A BUS GET INTO AN ACCIDENT AND DIE

THEY ARRIVE AT THE GATES OF HEAVEN WHERE THEY ARE GREETED BY SAINT PETER

HE WELCOMES THEM AND INFORMS THEM THAT THEY HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED INTO HEAVEN.

HE CONTINUES TO EXPLAIN THAT SINCE HEAVEN IS SO VAST THAT THE ONLY WAY TO GET AROUND IS BY CAR

NOW HERE IS THE KICKER......THEY TYPE OF CAR YOU GET IS BASED ON HOW YOU LIVED YOUR LIFE

THE FIRST GUY SAINT PETE SAYS ...."YOU HAVE LIVED A PERFECT LIFE..NEVER CHEATED ON YOUR WIFE OR ANYTHING.... YOU GET A ROLLS...ENJOY HEAVEN!"

THE SECOND GUY........"I SEE YOU HAD A COUPLE OF FLINGS..SHAME ON YOU, BUT GOD LOVES YOU AND FORGIVES YOU.... YOU GET A GEO PRISM....

THE THIRD GUY........"I DONT SEE HOW IN THE HELL GOD COULD ALLOW YOU IN HERE.....I CANT EVEN COUNT HOW MANY TIMES YOU HAVE CHEATED, LIED, STOLE.....WOW....ANYWAY YOU GET A BROKE DOWN PINTO!"

A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER THE DUDE IN THE PINTO IS DRIVING DOWN HEAVENLY BLVD AND SEE THE GUY IN THE ROLLS SITTING ON THE SIDE OF THE BLVD CRYING...... HE GETS OUT OF HIS BEAT UP PINTO AND SAYS

TO THE GUY WITH THE ROLLS...."WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOUR IN HEAVEN, YOU HAVE AN AWSOME CAR FOR ETERNITY AND YOUR AFTER LIFE WILL BE HAPPILY EVER AFTER....WHY ARE YOU CRYING?

THE MAN REPLIED......"WE WAS GIVIN A CAR BASED ON HOW WE LIVED ON EARTH RIGHT?..... THE PINTO MAN REPLIED "YES, WHY?" HE SAID "I JUST SAW MY WIFE"

"WELL THATS JUST GREAT!! DID YOU TALK TO HER?"...NO THE ROLLS MAN REPLIED.."I WAS GOING TO BUT...".... BUT WHAT THE PINTO MAN YELLS

THE ROLLS MAN START TO CRY....."SHE WAS RIDING ON A SKATEBOARD!!!!!"

Edited by Crow

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

or....

Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember

the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the Irish village tavern where you leaned

against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there

again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

*Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but

good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their

conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to

himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex

against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's

no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each

other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they

get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the

fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his

trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves

in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that

the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten

minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and

screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the

ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something

about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,

the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes

back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,

this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret

is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that

was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life

together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'**Fifty years ago** **that fence was not electrified!!!**.'

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two brothers, now old, have grown up in this one town. They've been very successful business-wise, but have lied to and cheated everybody in town along the way. Brother #1 dies, and #2 goes to see a local pastor to convince him to deliver the eulogy at the funeral. The one request of the preacher was that he would say that older brother was a saint. Preacher had to think about this. After brother #2 finally agreed to make a large donation to several charities, the preacher said he would perform the eulogy and call brother #1 a saint.

Since everybody delighted to see the cheat dead and gone, funeral is packed. Preacher says, "Old Joe was a dirty, rotten, stinking scoundrel, He was rotten to the bone, and everyone here hated him, BUT next to his brother , he's a SAINT" !!!!!

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

THE POWER OF THE BADGE

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in south Texas and talks with an old rancher mending a fence.

He says to the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally growing drugs."

The old rancher says, " Okay, but don't go in that field over there", as he points out the

location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister I have the authority of the Federal

Government behind me!"

He reaches into his back pants pocket, removes his badge and proudly flashes it at the old rancher.

" Do you see this badge? It means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On anyone's land. No

questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores...

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for

his life... chased close behind by the rancher's 1,500 pound prize bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get

" Horned" before he reaches safety.

The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher drops his fence tools, runs to the fence and

yells at the top of his lungs...

" Your badge, your badge... show him your dang BADGE!"

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Jack and jill went up the hill each with a buck and a quarter

jill came down with two fifty

you think they went up for water?

Here little pink piggy piggy :eyebrows

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.



×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.