Funniest joke wins!

[NCdoug]

A lopster walks into a bar, and he has a parrot on his shoulder.

Bartender: "Where did you get that?"

Parrot: "You kiddin' me? Just Google "IDIOT." They'll come out of the woodwork.

[swamprat]

We always hear " the rules" From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "

ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon

or the changing of the tides..

Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1 . If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted

two ways and one of the ways

makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something

Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever

you have to say during commercials....

1.Christopher Columbus did NOT

need directions and neither do we.

1... ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.

1.. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1.. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball

or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[BLACKIE]

WHY DID "THE PUMPER" CROSS THE ROAD?

BECAUSE HIS D!@K WAS STUCK IN THE CHICKEN!

Edited August 31, 2011 by BLACKIE

[RValreadywillya]

One day while counting my dinar, my dog Obama ran up and ate a 100,000 dinar bill. At that time I wasnt to concerned, but the next day it rv'd!!! In a panic I called the Veterinary and asked what do I do? What do I do? The Veterinary said Calm down, go buy a bottle of castor oil and give him a few teaspoons and it will pass. Just make sure you put Obama in the garage so you can find your dinar easier. I went to the store and bought a bottle of castor oil. I thought to myself, if I gave Obama the whole bottle he would pass it quicker. I mean come on it rv'd at 4.40!! So I took my chances and gave Obama the whole bottle of castor oil and locked him in the garage. Then the wait was on! One hour, two hours... man this was worse than waiting for the actual RV!! 12 hours later I went to check and see if Obama had passed my dinar bill... Omg!! There was crap everywhere from the ceiling to the floor! And the smell was indescribable!! Oh it was terrible!!

So you ask... Well did you get your dinar back?

NO IT WAS COUNTERFEIT IT WOULDNT PASS!!! DAMN OBAMA!!

[rw.sutton]

A woman is furniture shopping and while browsing the selection looks up to make sure no one is around and then farts, to her surprise a young salesman walks up almost immediately and asks if she needs any assistance. She says "I was just wondering how much for this set here". The salesman leans in and says " no offense Mrs. but if you farted just looking at it, your going to sh*t when I tell you the price!

[drewsully]

A newly wed couple is sitting in bed watching the news when some breaking news comes on. the reporters goes on to inform people about an escaped convict and for everybody to be on the look out for him. Right after that the couple turns off the tv and starts to fall asleep, a few minutes later someone bursts into there room, it was the escaped convict!!! before they knew what was going on the husband is tied up to a chair and the wife to the bed posts, the convict walks over to the wife and whispers something in her ear then gets up and walks into the bathroom. as soon as they can't see him the husband quietly says to his wife, "honey this man has been in prison for a long time and so hasn't been with a woman for just as long, so take one for the team and just do what he says and we might get out of this alive", the wife smiles and says "I am so glad you feel that way because he just whispered in my ear that he thinks you are cute and asked if we had any vaseline"

[Snotme]

An old man lives on a farm, he writes to his son in prison - I can't grow potatoes this year. I'm too old to be digging up the field. Soon he gets a letter back from his son. - You can't dig in the field, that's where I buried the bodies! The next morning, people came from the police. They dug up the entire field but found nothing. Soon the farmer gets another letter from his son. - Now Dad, you can grow potatoes. It was the best I could do from here.

[3amigos]

Deep thoughts...if you ever go canoeing down a river of molten lava and you lose your keys, you can forget them.........because MAN THEY'RE GONE!!!

[princess2004]

What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?

*They can sniff it but can't eat it

[BG88]

A blind snake and a blind rabbit were walking though the woods, and bumped into each other.

The snake said to the rabbit "I'm blind and don't know what animal I am". The rabbit replied "I'm also blind and don't know what animal I am!" The rabbit suggested "I bet if we rub up against each other we can figure it out", to which the snake replied "great idea, I'll go first. "

The snake said "let's see, your fur is soft, you have a fluffy tail, and a button nose - I think you're a rabbit!" The rabbit replied "that's great, I really like being a rabbit, now it's my turn".

The rabbit rubbed against the snake and said "let's see, you're kind of slimy, you slither on your belly, and have a forked tongue. I know, I know, you must be an attorney!"

[jimmycat]

a blond walkes into her doctors office for an exam, doctor comes in and says what is wrond with you is your pregnant. The blond looks at the doctor and says, i just want to know one thing, doc do you think it is mine

[is it Monday yet]

Woman's A$$ Size study...there is a new study about women and how they feel about their a$$es...The results were pretty interesting. 30% of women think their a$$ is too fat. 10% of women think their

a$$ is too skinny. The remaining 60% say they don't care, they Love him, he's a

good man and wouldn't trade him for the world..

[0722]

Boudreaux is sitting in da hot Loooziana sun when Pierre paddle his pirogue by.

There is a rather strange grass in d pirogue so Boudreaux ax "mais Pierre, waz you got in dat pirogue today?" to which Pierre responds "crab grass"

Later dat day Pierre pass by wit a hole boat lode of crabs........

De nex day, Boudreaux is sitting on da bank twice more and Pierre passes by paddlin day pirogue again wit a rather diffrant grass.......so Boudreaux he ax "mais wat you got in der today?" to which Pierre responds "today is shrimp grass" .......later day day Pierre pass by wit a hole boat lode of shrimps........

On da turd day Bourdreaux is fishin on da bank again and Pierre pass by paddlin dat pirogue again and today he even has anodder diffrant grass..........so Boudreaux he ax a turd time......"mais wat you got in der today?" to which Pierre responds " ***** willows"

so den Boudreaux ax " Can I ride wit you today???? "

hope this did not break any rules on taste.

[Happy1]

A teacher had given her students a homework assignment, She asked a question, that when you die, what part of your body goes to heaven first? So the next morning at school, she asked if anyone had come up with an answer, and low an behold, little okie was the only student to raise his hand, the teacher not wanting to pick okie, as she hope someone else would raise their hand, she finally asked Okie............what part of your body goes to heaven? Okie replies, your feet...........the teacher then asks okie to explain why is this, Okie replies, because last night when I was passing my parents bedroom, I saw my mom with her two feet pointing straight up into the air and saying " Oh God I'm coming" Go RV

[echo0marie]

There is a little boy who has discovered that when he plays with his goober white stuff comes out of it. well, he starts playing with it every chance he gets and his sister walks in on him and she freaks out.

mama says to daddy, you've got to have a talk with your son, so the next day daddy sits son down and says listen here, you need to learn self control ever time you do that you're waisting a good banker or doctor or president or something like that. The son says ok daddy i understand.

So the boy goes a few days and just can not stand it any longer so he goes out back and "rubs one out" he thinks to himself of shoot mama and daddy are gonna be mad, so he covers it up with a rock.

a few more days go by and he just can't take it again so he goes back out again and does his thing. He grabs the same rock to cover up the new mess and out jumps a frog.. He catches it and says "you're an ugly bastard but I love you anyways"

Ok same story ( I know it is one joke only but if you read the first one you gotta read the second) different ending...

There is a little boy who has discovered that when he plays with his goober white stuff comes out of it. well, he starts playing with it every chance he gets and his sister walks in on him and she freaks out.

mama says to daddy, you've got to have a talk with your son, so the next day daddy sits son down and says listen here, you need to learn self control ever time you do that you're waisting a good banker or doctor or president or something like that. The son says ok daddy i understand.

So the boy goes a few days and just can not stand it any longer so he goes out back and "rubs one out" and catches the mess in his hand he says "i'll give you guys another chance" and swallows it.

eww right?

[JimH]

An elderly lady went to see the doctor. After waiting in the waiting room a while she finally got to see the doctor. “Doc” she said, “I have a terrible time with gas….however you can’t hear it nor can you smell it but it is an ongoing thing. I must have passed gas a dozen time while I was in the waiting room. The doc examined her and then gave her a prescription and told her to come back in one week. The next visit she was really upset with doctor. She told him that what ever that was that he gave her, it made the gas smell really, really bad. At that the doc told here, “now that we have your smelling fixed, we gotta start working on your hearing.

[uncirculd]

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

[bigpapa]

Divorce Letter

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want to have sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that does't work.... I did notice when you got a haircut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'you look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was not a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone...Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my sister CARLA..............was born CARL !

[kldsld]

Don't talk to my parrot ...

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave th key under the mat... fis the dishwasher, leave the bill

on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you."

"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his encessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himselv any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied,

"Get him Spike!"

See - men just don't listen!

[hope777]

One day, a priest and a teacher of mathematics are walking past a school.

Suddenly, out of a second story window falls a trigonometry textbook. When it hits

the ground in front of the pair, it falls open to the section about the ratio of the opposite

side from a given angle of a right triangle and the hypotenuse. The math teacher falls

to his knees and the priest looks down and asks, "What are you doing?"

"Praying," responds the teacher, "can't you see it's a sine from above?"

[jstagrl]

WHY DON'T CANNIBALS EAT CLOWNS??

BECAUSE THEY TASTE FUNNY!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[justus3]

Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse.I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.Okay then,"said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.”I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"It's swollen," Fred replied. She ran out of the room.

[imgesing]

Okie walks into a bar

down at the other end of the bar is a group of people laughing and standing around one man.

SO Okie leans over to the bar tender and asks "HEY whats going on down there?"

Bartender says "Ohhh well that guy never looses a bet!"

Okie says "REALLLY... WOW..."

SO Okie goes over and the crowd is dispersing.

He walks up and says "HEY THERE I heard you never lose a bet!"

The man turns and says "Hi there... That is correct. Want to see?"

Okie curious at this point says "SURE..."

SO the man says to OKIE "I'll tell you what I'll bet $50.00 I can BITE MY EYE...!"

Okie says "wow this is worth it, OK"

So the man pops out his fake eye and bites it!

"WOW" says Okie "that was wild." He starts to walk away and the man says "hold up."

Okie says "yea what."

The man says "I'll bet you doubt to nothing I can bite my other eye."

Okie thinks well he cant have two fake eyes...

OK sure.... (says Okie with a sure grin)

The man take out a fake set of teeth and bites on his other eye and pops them back in his mouth.

"WOW... OK OK YOU GOT ME... Whew".

The man then says

"Well partner tell ya what I will bet it all that I can pee into a bar glass as the bartender slides it down this bar and every drop will land in the glass."

OKIE THINKS "hmmm ahhh OK SURE."

The man gets onto a bar stoll next to OKIE

He signals the bartender to slide the glass and proceeds to pee

But he pisses all over OKIE...

OKIE ALL EXCITED HE WON jumps up and down saying "I won I won. No one ever beat you and I just did."

The man looks with a grin at OKIE and says "Yep You won but I bet everyone in this bar I could piss on you and make you laugh at the same time..."

PEACE and hope you liked it.

[noco]

You're trapped in an elevator with a serial killer, an axe murderer, and Okie.

You have a gun, but you only have two bullets.

What do you do?

**********************************************************************************

Answer: shoot Okie twice

[Miia]

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f**k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!!"