OK, true story:
My wife and I have been married 36 years so she knows exactly what I'm capable of and I was in rare form. This past Friday we went out to dinner and then she wanted to go shopping.
The first store we visited was Pier One. Right inside the door there were some miniature, hand-sized globes on the shelf. I picked one up and started singing "He's got the whole world in His hands."
Wife: (Calling me by my given first name) "[Four], stop it!"
Me: "But I haven't even gotten to the part about the 'itty, bitty baby' or 'you and me sister.'"
My wife gazed at the floor and shook her head.
Well I've seen the above list before and as my wife kept shopping, I continued my sophomoric behavior, including #11 above - furtively walking around humming the "Mission Impossible" theme but of course that wasn't original.
Well the wife decided to use the ladies' room and I sat in one of the easy chairs on display. One of the sales ladies approached me and asked if she could help me find something. I considered saying something to the effect of "The voices told me not to trust you!" , a mix of numbers 8 & 14 above, but again, that's not original and it's not what came out of my mouth.
Me: "I'm waiting on my wife. She's in the ladies' room snorting cocaine."
Sales lady: * Eyes wide, mouth agape. *
Me: "Well she said something about 'powder in her nose' or something like that..."
Me: * big old $h*t eatin' grin. *
Sales lady: * Gazed at the floor and shook her head.
Yes! Success! Another woman gazing at the floor, shaking her head!
I told my wife about this interaction after she came out. I then went outside, ostensibly to smoke a cigarette, while my wife quickly finished shopping and made her purchases. When she came out of the store we moved on down the way. When we got to Bed, Bath and Beyond, my wife refused to go in with me. I can't imagine why...
Yep, true story.