Funniest joke wins!

[GreginTexas]

There was an old Mexican man that worked in Texas. Each evening on his way back home in Mexico he would be pushing a wheelbarrow filled with different things. Usually it was hay or grass clippings or such. Each day Customs officer Bill would search his wheelbarrow looking for contraband and this went on for years. One day Bill asked the old man what was it he has been smuggling all these years. He assured the old man that it would be just between the two of them because Bill was to retire at the end of this day. Bill said I just know you were doing something wrong and I give up please tell me so my mind will be at rest. The old man just replied…………………. wheelbarrows

[finderladi]

How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance

[nodrog]

Two Aggies are walking down the street and a bird dabs one of them on the top of his head.

They rush into their house and the one who was dabbed on yells, "Get me some toilet paper quick!"

The other guy says, "You idiot. By the time you get out there, that bird is gonna be five miles away!"

[lynbug]

You are on a crowded bus when you suddenly realize you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. You let go about 5 strong and loud ones back to back. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember.....You've been listening to your iPod the whole time. Oh my gosh!!

[bodiddily]

It is a statistical fact that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

[DrewMoon]

Ok, A guy walks into a bar carrying a paper sack, sets it on the bar and orders a drink. After a while the bartender asks "what's in the sack?" The guy smiles pleasantly and opesn the sack and pulls out a little man that is about 9" tall and stands him up on the bar. Then the man reaches in and pulls out a beautiful ornate grand piano, and finally a piano bench. The man then says, Watch this." He then points to the little man. The little man sits down and plays an amazing Mozart Concerto! The bartender is flabergasted! He asks, "How the hell..." The man cuts him off by reaching into the bottom of the sack and pulling out a magic lamp, rubs it and POOF out pops a genie. The genie looks at the bartender and says, "You may have one wish, one wish only!" The bartender than says, "I want a million bucks!" The genie says, "Your wish is granted" and goes back into the lamp! About a minute later a duck walks into the bar, followed by another duck and another. Pretty soon the bar is packed completely full of ducks quacking and making a terrible ruckus. The bartender leans into the man and shouts, "I think your genie is a little deaf!!!" The man then replies... "No sh*t, do you think I wished for a 9" pianist???"

Budumpum!

[hrvat67]

Deadly Fruit -

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

Enjoy!!!!

[mariejose]

A husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt! The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little cloud appeared when he shook them out he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'She replied 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'

[Blyane]

NEWLY Weds!!

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know

anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the

prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the

prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but

the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him

a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently

born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,

OKAY!

[Troll Dawg]

Penguins are birds that don't fly, but they do drive. In fact driving is one of a Penguins favorite things to do.

So one day this Penguin was out driving in his little Penguin car when he heard a strange noise coming from under the hood, he immediately took his little Penguin car to the Penguin car mechanic.

He asked the Penguin car mechanic if he could check the little Penguin car out to see what the problem was. The mechanic said he would but it would take about 30 minutes.

Just then, to his delight, the Penguin spotted an Ice Cream Shop across the street. Every one who knows abut Penguins, Knows that eating Ice Cream is about the only thing Penguins enjoy more than driving around in little Penguin cars. So he heads across the street and orders some Ice Cream.

Now Penguins don't have hands to hold an Ice Cream Cone , so he has to order a big bucket of Ice Cream so that he can hold it with his little flippers. Now our little Penguin is having Big ole time eating his Ice Cream but as you can imagine its pretty messy with Ice Cream getting all over his face and chest and stuff.

Anyway, the little Penguin finishes and waddles back over to check on his car. He asks the mechanic has figured out what the problem is.

The mechanic looks up from under the hood and says "it looks like you blew a seal" to which the Penguin answers "no it's just Ice Cream"

[Ran]

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was crushed to death.

[Flamtap]

Why Women Shouldn't Take Men Shopping

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to

Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and

preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most

women-she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following

letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our

store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of

you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.Samsel, are

listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other

people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at

5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the

women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official

voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away. This caused the

employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her

Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management

to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms

on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the

children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and

blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began

crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs

were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a

mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he

asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly

humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna

look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed

through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he

assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES

AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15.. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited

awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in

here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[liv4gr8ness]

Hello everyone...never posted before so here goes.....this is a true story....

While driving, my daughter of three years old was sitting in the back of the car in her car seat.

We were on the interstate behind a transfer truck transporting animals. I exclaimed "Whew! that stinks to high heaven!"

Dead silence in the car for about 10 seconds and then my daughter asked "Does Jesus fart?"

[smcd]

Chinese Wedding Night

>

>

> A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.

> Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

> On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her

> husband undresses in the darkness.

>

> He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

>

> 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you belry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

>

> A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

>

> She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

>

> 'You want....... garlic chicken wif snow peas?

:lol: :lol:

[antlrking]

What do you call a fish with no eye(I)? FSH

[jimmycat]

What do you get when you cross an athiest with a jehova witness.....someone that knocks on your door for no reason

[Redwizard]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.

When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million

dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.

When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million

dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.

When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got

to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has

gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[timborders]

Ma and Paw Wilson were home one evening watching tv. As Paw was flipping through the channels he came across a show that had some racy, nude love scenes in it. Paw looked at Ma and said, “Do you think we can still do that?” Ma Said, “I don’t know Paw but we could give it a try”. Ma and Paw headed off to the bedroom, Paw going on to the bathroom. After a few minutes Paw came out to find Ma standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom. Paw yelled at Ma, “What are you doing!” Ma said, “Will I figured I would help you out. If you can’t get it up you can just drop it in!”

[sassytexan]

This is one that my 3 yr old grandaughter told us: Why did the chicken cross the road????? So he could get ran over by a car............

That was from a 3 yr old

[cabo.wabo1]

Question Time!!

Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his

hand and Obama asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:

-First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

-Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?

-Third, whatever happened to all of the jobs you were going to create?

-Fourth, why don't you enforce our current immigration laws?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that

they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right:

question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions:

-First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

-Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?

-Third, whatever happened to all of the jobs you were going to create?

-Fourth, why don't you enforce our current immigration laws?

-Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

-And sixth, what happened to Stanley, why is he not here??"

[Coachkool1]

There had been a terrible train wreck and John Wayne and Henry Fonda were preparing the bodies at the Morg. John said “Henry I'm little tired, why don't you finish up this last body and while I head home and get some sleep.” Henry said “ Alright John I'll see you in the morning”. While Henry is working on the last body he turns it over and notices a cork in it's butt! He pulls the plug and it starts singing in my best Louis Armstrong voice “Hello Dolly...” He's shocked and puts the cork back in then he pulls it out again. “Hello Dolly... “ starts up again! He runs to the phone and calls John Wayne and tells him he needs to come back and see this. John having been woken up says “ Henry getting me out of bed—well this better be good. So he came back down to the Morg and John says “Alright Henry show me what's the problem”. Henry says “Your not going to believe this” and pulls the plug and it blurts out “Hello Dolly, this is Louis Dolly. It so nice to have you back where you belong”. Then John Wayne says “ You mean you brought me down here at 5 O'clock in the morning to hear some ******* sing?”

[frankielovesdinar]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists -- two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a metal folding chair. Go in there and shoot Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never kill my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I looked into her big brown eyes and I just couldn’t do it. I just can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to go in and shoot her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another.

The agent heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with that folding chair."

[moose 57]

Olie & Lena

Their word having for sex is "washing machine"

One nite Olie is in the mood. "Lena, washing machine" not now Olie

a little later "Lena. washing machine" not now Olie

a little later Lena says "Olie, washing machine" Olies reply

It's OK Lena, I did it by hand!

[Orbdoctor]

A ninety year old husband and wife are sat at their breakfast table. She says "Honey, I may be old, but my t**s are just as hot as they were when we first met, don't you think?" He's quiet for a moment, and then answers her. " I'm not surprised, my darling. One's in your porridge, the other's fallen in your coffee."

[uncirculd]

how the he?? can I enter this contest?

Here little pink piggy piggy

That's what I am talking about. Vote this A+