The Cougar Lives! Long live the Cougar!

[Tiffany23]

Latin Name: Femina Magnus

Notable Characteristics: 40-plus woman on the arm of a significantly younger man. Financially independent and well educated. Looks younger than her age.

Songs & Calls: "I'm not his mom." "Can you keep up with me?"

Origin of the Species

The evolution of the cougar label is murky, but the term's surge in popularity seems to stem from a 2001 book called Cougar: A Guide for Older Women Dating Younger Men, penned by Toronto Sun columnist Valerie Gibson. "I had a friend who told me about this awful bar," Gibson recalls. "There was a woman there who was flirting with younger guys. He said, 'She looks like a cougar on the prowl.' I decided to make it a term for women 40-plus who date younger men and don't want to settle down." Other experts have expanded the definition to include older women who have long-term relationships with and marry men 10-plus years their junior.

Cougar in the Media Glare

The cougar craze has reached a fever pitch, with Hollywood rolling out productions that manage to both glamorize and mock the archetype. Witness Courteney Cox as the hot-but-hapless cradle-robber in Cougar Town, Sex and the City's middle-aged and sex-crazed Samantha Jones, and a Bachelorette-style reality show dubbed The Cougar.

Society, however, hasn't exactly embraced real-life "cougars" with the same fervor as Tinseltown's producers. Earlier this year, Carnival Cruise Lines dropped its second annual "Cougar Cruise" for older single women and younger single men—even though the first voyage drew 300 spirited attendees. And Google stirred up controversy a few months ago by banning the dating site CougarLife from its content pages. (In contrast, "sugar daddy" dating sites and portals that pair up unhappily married people for affairs are as Google-able as ever.) Clearly the older woman/younger man pairing, though more on-the-radar than ever, is not sitting well in our psyches.

That aversion, in turn, is rankling so-called cougars. In a small study about marriages in which the women were 10 years older than their husbands, wives said they bore the brunt of the backlash. Men may receive some gentle ribbing for marrying an older bride but manage to brush it off better, says University of Maine researcher Nichole Proulx, Ph.D. "Women are socialized to be extremely conscious of how they look, dress, and act, so if they do something outside of the norm, they fixate on it more so than men," she says.

Cougars in the Wild

Though women who date younger men might feel like societal outcasts, their ranks are growing: The number of marriages where the woman is 5 to 10 years older than her spouse is small (5.4 percent and 1.3 percent, respectively), but rates have doubled between 1960 and 2007, according to census data.

It's not hard to explain the trend—females live longer, they're financially independent, and they look hotter than ever (think: Restylane and retinols). "You couldn't tell by looking at our subjects that the wives were a decade older than their husbands," admits Sandra L. Caron, who coauthored the University of Maine study. Plus, women say a younger man carries less emotional baggage, tries harder at romance, and exhibits refreshingly equitable views on gender roles. ("He does his own dishes!") Men say they love that older women don't play mind games, and their established careers are inspiring—not emasculating.

What's more, it might make evolutionary sense for an older woman to seek a younger mate. As women decline in fertility, their sex drive gets a supercharge in order to maximize their remaining baby-making chances, new research from the University of Texas at Austin reveals. Women in the low-fertility group (ages 27-45) were much more likely to report having more sex, wanting more sex, and having more (and more intense) sexual fantasies. "If you're trying to maximize your remaining fertility, it makes sense to seek out a younger partner because his sperm is healthier," says lead researcher Judith Easton.

Cougar Phobia

You might think the cougar backlash stems from the fear of older women poaching guys from young women. ("Find someone your own age!") But our resentment likely has deeper roots.

One theory: The pairing dredges up associations with the incest taboo—a taboo that's ingrained across almost all cultures, says Christopher Ryan, author of Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality. Humans developed aversions to sex between family members, so seeing a young man with his arm around a more senior woman might touch on the same incest associations and leave people feeling squeamish. An older man with a trophy wife can spark similar disgust.

A more common (and intuitive) theory maintains that these couples aren't at the same desirability level, a mismatch we find aversive. Men can reproduce late in life, so an older man with a nubile woman makes more evolutionary sense than an older woman with a man in his prime. Psychologist Nigel Barber, author of The Science of Romance: Secrets of the Sexual Brain, says our gut reaction to the incongruency reflects how we quickly size up a person's mate value: by his or her looks.

Humans are hardwired to notice attractiveness, a marker of youth, health, and fertility. Evolutionary psychologists acknowledge that good looks are more important for women's dating desirability than men's and that female physical attractiveness declines more rapidly with age. So a young man on the arm of an older woman looks like he's dating below his level. The exception? If the woman's smoking hot (think: Demi Moore), she's not judged as harshly because the pair's mate values appear equal, Barber says.

Ryan draws parallels between the backlash against a less fertile older woman with a virile young man and the recent uproar about *** marriage. Eliciting similar tacit disapproval are other forms of non-procreative sex: sexually active senior citizens, *** sex, and children displaying any traces of sexuality.

Despite the deep-seated resistance to this type of relationship, some experts think the tide is turning. Ryan predicts the phenomenon will follow a path to acceptance similar to homosexuality's. Today, the majority of college-aged people approve of *** marriage, in stark contrast to attitudes just a generation ago.

Acceptance might not be too far off. Cheryl Covey, 67, and Stuart Mark Berlin, 53, have lived together for the past five years. "Our families were horrified at first," Berlin says. The only ones who didn't make a fuss? Her teenage grandkids.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201110/love-across-ages-cougars-and-sugar-daddies/field-guide-the-cougar

[elmstreet61]

Good on ya, Tiff!

Here on the Goldy, it's Cougar city. You know where I'm talking about, if you're a Kiwi.

They're hot I tells ya! Hot!!

Young women are nice to look at...smooth skin, and all that...but a lot of them, through immaturity and low self esteem walk around with their shoulders slouched.

Not very attractive....but I guess not really their fault....it has to do with social pressures...their up-bringing....etc...

BUT....

Most of the Cougars here are sassy, with strong legs and shoulders back, chests out...confident...and very very feminine.

confidence = sexy.

thanks for posting...i dunno who gave you a minus, but I gave you a +1.

[alleekat]

A subject near and dear to my heart. I am married to a man 20 yrs younger. We have been together for almost 5 yrs and have been married for a year and a half. I was married for 15 yrs to a man my age and have 2 beautiful girls from that marriage. I look young for my age and he looks older than his young years, so we meet in the middle The strangest thing that I have found is that most of the negative comments come from males, not his age asking him what he is thinking but my age asking me what I am thinking! I just laugh and ask "Have you seen my husband? He is HOT!" This response for some reason does not help. Anyway I am sick of the double standards, most people do not bat an eyelash at older men with younger women and yet an older woman with a younger man is either labeled desperate or expected to be wealthy, I am neither. The one thing I am, is extremely HAPPY!!! So guess what society I don't care what any of you think, doesn't bother me a bit, because my life has been enriched beyond belief RRRAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

[DAME1]

Really

[DinarMillionaire]

Someone once tried to set me up with a "Cougar". She turned out to be more like a "Sabor Tooth Tiger". I was gone faster than a beer at a Frat party.

[divemaster5734]

Had a sugar mama in college.

after a week I found a real job.

[BETTYBOOP]

Great post tiff. Interesting read. However,i personally prefer my men older......so much more interesting.

[Danan]

Great post tiff. Interesting read. However,i personally prefer my men older......so much more interesting.

But you are still "young"

[Shinnidan]

.......hmmm.... it works the opposite way too... me mum was like 25 when me was born...and me dad was...ahem.... 61... thats like a 36yr gap... Edited October 12, 2011 by Shinnidan

[RodandStaff]

I have jokingly used the term "cougar" for my wife though she is only 2 yrs. older than me. While having an outing at church around a campfire I piped up that my wife is a cougar... and three other woman within earshot said the same thing about themselves... they had all married younger men. I guess in some circles the term is being used even when the gap isn't anywhere near 10 yrs. Thanks Tiffany for the post.

[Mongo]

Dr. Mongo.....is in his office now

Girls,women, females....mature faster than boys,men,males......sorry guys but thats a fact

in most cases an older man with a younger women works well for this reason, their maturity levels are equal

Now we have Cougars......is that an immature woman that has to look for a younger man to find equal maturity levels?

OR...Does the Cougar just want to dominate the younger man because she is an alpha female and had an overbearing father, growing up?

In the case of Demi and Ashton, was Ashton looking for someone with equal maturity when he cheated on Demi with

a younger women?

After tying the knot with Demi was Ashton forced to grow up before his time?

These are all questions that one asks about the subject of Cougars with no clear answers

My bill is in your E-mail box.........thank-you

[Tiffany23]

Excellent Feedback. Love hearing actual stories! Thank you my friends!

I find it difficult to grasp why there should be ANY cultural barriers on whom one shares to love...as long as it is between consensual adults of course. Having been raised a military brat and traveled the world, I think I've seen every mixed race child out there and they are ALL beautiful...really, it's like the new genes get together and provide something extra special.

The Heart knows nothing of reason...it just knows love.

[caz1104]

Back in college it was always dream to visit cougar town,some of us were lucky enough to learn a few things. Now in my older years I'm lucky enough to have a VERY beautifull Younger(21 years) woman as my lifetime partner to be.

[smee2]

Great post ... been there and done that!

My first husband was twenty years older than I (marriage lasted five and a half months)... but my second husband was six years younger (marriage lasted thirty-four years). I prefer the younger.

Midway through our 34 years of marriage we took a break, moved apart, agreed to do all the "nasty" stuff we would never do as married people. I had about six years of being the Cougar in my mid-forties and enjoyed almost every minute. I had a great time, managed to educate and give experience to some really choice younger men, shared my stories with my husband, and when it was the right time, left it all behind and rejoined my husband. Another twelve years of more married bliss before he died. I am a little too old now for the Cougar roll but I do have the memories. And if I ever end up in one of the old folks homes, I'll certainly hang out with "younger" old men. hahahahaha

Again, great post!

smee2

[Tiffany23]

Smee....you little vixen! WOW! You go girl...I'll party with you anytime! ha ha

[alleekat]

Hahaha, gotta love Dr Mongo's take on this subject! Ahem we may want to take a closer look at Dr Mongo's credentials!!! My husband also got a good laugh over the doc's determinations. As far as an older woman finding a fulfilling relationship with a younger man due to having a lower maturity level, and of course I can only speak for myself, my mother has always stated that I was BORN mature. I have always been the one that those around me turn to when needing level headed advice, and the one that family members depend on when times are tough, I run several businesses quite successfully, so lack of maturity hasn't been an issue for me since I was a teenager. Then the real kicker! The Alpha Female looking for a younger man she can control hahahaha, even had my much younger SGT Infantry Airborne Combat Veteran husband, chuckling.

Thanks Dr Mongo for the good laugh, I needed that!

[vertigoseven]

I just tagged one!