mangorancher Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese. However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls. Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? Believe it or not ....... a Congress! I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington! 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dinarsoulmate Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 Pecans in the Cemetery On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was, so he jumped back on his bike and rode off. Now just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kimjackie Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on, the first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded." the second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order" the third surgeon shut them up when he said: "You're both wrong, politicians are the easiest to operate on, there's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, plus the head and the ass are interchangeable 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BETTYBOOP Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 (edited) I was in the public toilets and had just sat down,a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi !,how are you ?" Embarrassed,I said,"I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to? I said,"Just doing the same as you, sitting here !". From next door, "Can I come over?".Annoyed, I said " rather busy right now. The voice said, "Listen, i will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions. Edited August 30, 2011 by cisole Sorry Betty, joke was already take by pacmen 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
genx4me Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 For those of you who have a lawnmower and want to install an Electric fence: 'what-Not-to-do' is printed below.... If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't Laugh Out Loud at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is a scream......and true. This was sent by a retired dentist. We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in crap, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted. 2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3 - Crap, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4 - My left eye will not open. 5 - My right eye will not close. 6 - The lawnmower runs like a new one now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it is better than new after that. 7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 ( I still don't understand that???). That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PA10 Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 An amorous Duck goes into his local Drug Store for condoms and the sales clerk asks the Duck: "would you like me to put them on your bill? The Duck replies: "No thanks, I'm not that kind of Duck!"........ 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M.A.S. Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 Did you hear the one about the agnostic, dyslexic who suffered from insomnia? He'd lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RickOhio Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 Sooo, a blond & her boyfriend are in Vegas at the crap table. She gets up after losing for an hour. Later, her boyfriend goes looking for her and sees her in the lobby. She has two cases of coke sitting on the floor and is putting another dollar in the machine. He says, "what are you doing?". She says, "DUH...WINNING!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weeshitaway Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 A psychiatrist's secretary walked in his office and said sir there is a man in the waiting room that swears he is invisible! The psychiatrist replied with well tell him I can't see him right now. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RickOhio Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 Me and my wife are driving down the road. She says "stop the car, I gotta pee". I said "let me cross this bridge". She says "no, stop now". She jumps out of the car, drops her pants and hangs her butt over the edge. She looks down & says "i can't pee down there. There's a canoe under me". I looked over & said "hey dummy, that's your reflection!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs What Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 A Little boy and his mother were in the house, the little boy was playing with his train set. He was saying chuga chuga choo choo all mother F@%kers that’s going to get on get on all mother F@%kers that going to get off get off. His mother was in the kitchen cooking she said I know I did not hear what I thought I heard, so she listen again the little boy said chuga chuga choo choo all mother F@%kers that’s going to get on get on all mother F@%kers That going to get off get off, his mother said you can’t talk like that you go in the Conner for 45 minutes for time out. 45 minutes went by and the little boy return to playing with his train he said chuga chuga choo choo all mother F@%kers that’s going to get on get on all mother F@%kers That going to get off get off, and if you have a problem with that 45 minute delay go see that bit%h in the kitchen.. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
droopy639 Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 Three surgeons are dicussing who makes the best patients to operate on. *The first surgeon said,"Electricians are the best,everything inside is color coded. *The second surgeon says"No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order. *The third surgeon shut them up when he said; "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus the head and the ass are interchangeable.......... 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrsmoogers Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone."May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14". With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth, and said, " F*** You!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PA10 Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 OK, no more Duck Jokes.... A doctor tells a guy: "I have bad news - you have Alzheimer's, and you have cancer." Guy says, "Thank God I don't have cancer." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1bad427ls1 Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth. However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a *** cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids." 9 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rottentwink Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 A young lawyer and his wife were going to have a dinner party to celebrate his making partner in his law firm. He had invited all the partners and their spouses, they hired a maid to do some deep cleaning of the house and to help serve the dinner. The couple had decided to serve steak and mushrooms and on the day of the dinner the wife went shopping, and came home in deep distress. "I can't find mushrooms, the stores are out, and the ones they do have are very expensive." the husband was upset, but logical. "There are a ton on mushrooms growing behind the barn, use those." "They could be poisonous" the wife said horrified. "Well.... fry them up and feed them to Spot" their dalmation. "If he gets sick we will just have to pay for the expensive mushrooms." The wife thought this was a brilliant idea and did as her husband suggested. After several hours the dog was just fine, running and playing in the yard, so the wife finished dinner making extra mushrooms for the steak and putting them in everything. Dinner was over and everyone was pleased, the partners were congratulating the husband on his great party when the maid rushed in.... "Spot's DEAD" She cried "Oh NO SPOT'S DEAD!!!" The party members were rushed to the hospital, stomachs were pumped and lawsuits were discussed, the husband and wife knew they were ruined. They returned home that morning and found the maid still sobbing as she cleaned up. The husband thanked her for her help, and helped her on with her jacket. "The worst part of the whole thing" she said "Is the truck that hit Spot didn't even stop." 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
desimo Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 An old dog saunters into a saloon. At the bar he asked for a drink. ‘We don’t serve dogs here’ barks back the bartender and orders the dog to leave. The dog comes back to the saloon and again asks for something to drink saying ‘I’m just tired and thirsty give me something to drink and I’ll be on my way’. Again the barkeep orders the dog to leave the saloon. A third time the dog comes into the saloon and this time the barkeep just pulls his gun and shoots the dog in the foot. The dog goes yipping out of the saloon and down the street. An hour later the same dog comes back into the saloon. He puts his bandaged foot on the stool and yells out: I’m a-lookin’ for the man who shot my paw! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wicked Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'' 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gamblinkid Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 This married couple went to Sidney,Australia for vacation. Whenever they went into a bar or restraunt, they were booed, taunted and called he was called a "cradle robber". Even traveling to two other cities, the same thing---more booing and being called a cradle robber. He said it wasn't fair, he was just an ordinary 70 year old guy and his wife was a "drop dead" gorgous 21 year old. It really put the damper on their 10th wedding anniversary trip!! 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rwh Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 In an attempt to raise funds some friars opened a florist shop. A rival florist thought they had an unfair advantage asked them to close... they would not, so he hired a brute name Hugh to "persuade" them to close. Hugh went and beat them and trashed their shop. They closed, thus proving, only Hugh can prevent florist friars 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RACERT Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 BEER, FISHING, SEX & GOLF A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing anymore," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. I want her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex." 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deltori Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 O.k. so I know some good jokes friends believe me I was a ventriloquist for several years but I just got too damn big for his lap.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PA10 Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 OK, how about an immigrant Joke? 3 immigrants fresh off the boat from Scotland are attemptingto enter the US at Ellis Island and the immigration agent signals the first man to approachfor processing: Immigration Agent: What’s your name? 1st Scotsman: Ian McCoy Agent: Where you from? Scotsman: Paisley, Scotland Agent: What was your trade back in Paisley? Scotsman replies: I were a ‘Cock Stacker’ The Immigration Agent being somewhat curious asks: “What’s a‘Cock Stacker” and the First Scotsman answers “You load roosters in crates andstack them on a Lorry (truck). The Immigration agent looking somewhat relieved - stamps the Scotman’spapers and says “you many enter the United States, then signals for the SecondScotsman to approach. Agent: What’s your name? 2nd Scotsman: Ian McCoy Agent: Where you from? Scotsman: Paisley, Scotland Immigration Agent: What was your trade back in Paisley? With a heavy Scottish lilt, the Scotsman replies: "I’m was a Cork Soaker’' Again, the Agent feels compelled to press forspecifics: what’s a ‘Cork Soaker’do? Looking somewhat dumbfounded, the 2nd Scotsman replies: You soak whiskey corks in vats of waterand then pound em into whiskey bottles…duh…. The Immigration agent again looking somewhat relieved stamps the secondScotsman’s papers and says “you many enter the United States, then signals forthe third and final Scotsman to approach. Immigration Agent: Name Please 3rd Scotsman replies: Ian McCoy Agent: Where you from? Nooooo, let me guess – Paisley, Scotland?! 3rd Scotsman: Aye Laddie, I hail from lovely city of Paisley! (he responds almost too excitedly) Agent: OK, for a working trade I suppose your either a 'Cock Stacker' or a 'Cork Soaker'? Even more excitedly the 3rd Scotsman replies with a sheepish grin: Nay Sir – “I'm the ‘Real McCoy’!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
letitbe Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 Two very young brothers were in their bedroom one morning and the oldest brother said lets say a cuss word in front of mama at breakfast. I'm going to say the word "damn" and you say the word "ass". The youngest brother agrees and they both headed down to the breakfast table. After they're seated the mother looks at the oldest brother and asked him what he would like for breakfast. He replied "how about some of those damn Cheerios". The mother jerked him up from the table and wore his little fanny out all the way upstairs to his bedroom. She came down and looked at the youngest brother and said, Now what would you like for breakfast? The youngest sat there for a moment and then said "I don't know, but you can bet you sweet ass it aint going to be any of those damn Cheerios". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffandJan Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 The mule sale Dad & Dave saw an ad in the Daily Newspaper and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.." Dad & Dave replied, "Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What in the world are you gonna do with a dead mule?" Dad said, "We're gonna raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Dad said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!" A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Dad & Dave at the local grocery store and asked. "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?" They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Dad said,"Hell, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898." The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?" Dave said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back." Dad & Dave now work for the government. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts