JOKE TIME!! JOKE TIME!! TAKE A BREAK GUYS-ITS TIME FOR A LAUGH!

[tandy]

A golfer wakes up in the emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped around his neck...the ER doc asked him how it happened...his reply was that he and his wife were playing golf when his wife hit a wild ball into a cow pasture...he said we both were looking for the ball when I spotted something white stuck in a cows butt...it was a golf ball so I called my wife over and raised the cows tail and said to my wife..."this looks like yours"...that's the last thing I remember doc!

[bigcity Bob]

OK THISONE TEARS ME UP...

TWO MARRIED WOMEN NEEDED TO HAVE A GIRLS NIGHT OUT AND DID THE TOWN RED. AFTER DANCING, FREE DRINKS AND PLENTY OF FLIRTY MEN TALKING TO THEM, THEY CALLED IT A NIGHT AND DECIDED TO GO HOME

ON THE WAY HOME ONE SAID TO THE OTHER,"I GOTTA PEE REAL BAD" AND THE OTHER REPLIED SO DO I.

BUT WHERE DO WE GO AND ITS PITCH BLACK OUT AND WE ARE RIGHT BY A CEMETERY?"

THE DRIVER OF THE CAR SAID LETS JUST GO NO ONE WILL SEE US.

ONE WIFE REPLIED " BUT WE DONT HAVE ANY TOILET PAPER." THE OTHER WIFE SAID,"IM GONNA WIPE MYSELF WITH MY THONG."

NOT ME ,SAID WIFE TWO, "MY THONG IS EXPENSIVE BOUGHT AT VICTORIA SECRET." "BUT I SEE A BIG WREATH WITH A RIBBON ON A HEADSTONE OVER THERE AND I WILL USE THAT"

WELL.... THE NEXT DAY ONE HUSBAND CALLED THE OTHER AND SAID,"IM NOT LETTING MY WIFE GO OUT WITH YOURS ANYMORE SHE CAME HOME WITH NO PANTIES ON."

THE OTHER SAID," THATS NOTHING," "MY WIFE CAME HOME WITH A STICKER ON HER BEHIND THAT READ,"

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES, WE WILL MISS YOU DEARLY!!!"

[Cyanide]

don't click this link...

[umbertino]

Quote

THE OTHER SAID," THATS NOTHING," "MY WIFE CAME HOME WITH A STICKER ON HER BEHIND THAT READ,"

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES, WE WILL MISS YOU DEARLY!!!"

End Quote

Awesome. Thanks.

[tandy]

A man tells his wife he is going fishing in the morning to which she replies that a bad storm will be coming in...at 4 am he gets up and pulls his truck and boat out of the garage to strong winds, lightning and rain...after waiting 30 minutes he gives up and goes back in the house and slips quietly back in bed..not knowing if his wife is asleep he whispers in her ear "it's storming bad out there" she replied "yes and my silly husband is out fishing in this"....that's when the fight started

[moose 57]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited , he was approached by a man who asked ,

"Son , can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied ,

"Sure! Just go straight down this street a

Coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said ,

"I'm the new pastor in town.

I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday.

I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle.

"Awww , come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

[Tiffani929]

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he swerved to hit

him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled

the truck over.

"Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver

continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck

driver saw a lawyer walking down the road.

Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back

to the road and narrowly missed the lawyer.

Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud

"THUMP".

He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

Edited July 15, 2011 by Tiffani929

[pokerplayer]

don't click this link...

Not being a prude, but I don't like that one. Can you delete?

thxs, pp

[CAPT JACK]

I'm almost ashamed to say I'm from Arkansas. Hope this works, click below:

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/category/location/ar?state=1

Go to photos and put in your own state.

[Cyanide]

Not being a prude, but I don't like that one. Can you delete?

thxs, pp

What's wrong with that? It's a joke, hence in a joke thread.

Sorry it wasn't GOD giving you a blessing.

(And that was prudish...lighten up.)

[pazloll]

A guy come home very excited and says to his wife, "Honey...the Iraqi Dinars have finally RVed at over three dollars! Pack your bags!!"

The woman asks, "What should I pack for? The beach or the mountains?"

The guy replies, "I don't care, just get the hell out."

cyanide! you almost made me fart! :lol: :lol: that was a good one, " I dont care, just get the hell out." :lol: man, i hope nobody gets any ideas!

[pokerplayer]

What's wrong with that? It's a joke, hence in a joke thread.

Sorry it wasn't GOD giving you a blessing.

(And that was prudish...lighten up.)

"God" had nothing to due with it, and you know it. If you find that funny then your in need of some serious Pychatric help.

pp

[pazloll]

"God" had nothing to due with it, and you know it. If you find that funny then your in need of some serious Pychatric help.

pp

PokerPlayer: Give it a rest already.

[Patty B]

Jersey Chics are tough!

3 guys sitting on a plane, bragging..

first guy from Florida says, I told my

wife from now on, I want her to have the

house spotless when I get home from work.

First day, I see nothing, second day, I seen nothing.

Third day, house was spotless.

2nd guy from Calif, says, I told my wife from now

on when I get home, I want the house spotless and

the kids asleep.. the first day, I see nothing, the second

day, I see nothing. The third day, the house is spotless and

the kids are asleep..

3rd guy from NJ say, well I told my wife, when I get home, I

want the house spotless, the kids asleep, dinner cooked and

you in a nightie,,, the first day, I see nothing, the second day, I see

nothing. The third day, I can see a little bit out of my left eye...

[pazloll]

A man tells his wife he is going fishing in the morning to which she replies that a bad storm will be coming in...at 4 am he gets up and pulls his truck and boat out of the garage to strong winds, lightning and rain...after waiting 30 minutes he gives up and goes back in the house and slips quietly back in bed..not knowing if his wife is asleep he whispers in her ear "it's storming bad out there" she replied "yes and my silly husband is out fishing in this"....that's when the fight started

a man and his wife are in bed. Its 3:00 AM. Phone rings. Man curses, "what the, who the, who is calling at this ungodly *&^% time of the morning-this better be good!!

'

"Hello? Huh? What?! Say what?! How the hell should i know that you creep! I live clear on the other side of town!" Slams the phone down, rolls back into bed.

His wife asks, "honey, who was that-what was that all about??" Husband responds, " Some good for nothin' S.O.B, wanted to know if the coast was clear!"

[pazloll]

A nun walks into a bar, has a seat and orders a beer. Orders another one, and another one...

Bartender finally says, "well, sister, if you don't mind me saying, you sure are hitting the sauce pretty hard....you have more than a 6-pack already, and as i can see, i will not be able to sell you anymore beer today. Can I ask why you are going over board here??

Nun says, "oh, im not doing this for me! This is for mother superior. she's been really suffering from constipation lately, and when she see's me knock-down drunk, she is gonnnna shiiiiit!"

[Cyanide]

"God" had nothing to due with it, and you know it. If you find that funny then your in need of some serious Pychatric help.

pp

It's funny for me. I also find it funny that somebody so easily bothered by innocent fun would have the guts to click a link that is CLEARLY labled, "DO NO CLICK"

By clicking my link you obviously disregarded the warning and you accept all responsibility.

Anyone who doesn't know, it's a simple link to a counter that claims I have taken your soul. There's a little animation then it shows the counter of how many people clicked it.

Highly offensive, obviously.

[ajskj]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”

Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these F*cking b*tch%s would keep their d*mn mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”

Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, ‘Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.

We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.’

Forrest responds, ‘It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.’

St. Peter continued, ‘Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God’s first name?’

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.

He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, ‘Now that you have had a chance to think

the questions over, tell me your answers’

Forrest replied, ‘Well, the first one — which two days in the week begins with the letter ‘T’?

Shucks, that one is easy.

That would be Today and Tomorrow.’

The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, ‘Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.’

‘How about the next one?’ asked St. Peter

‘How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,’ replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.’

Astounded, St. Peter said, ‘Twelve? Twelve?

Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?’

Forrest replied, ‘Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd … ‘

‘Hold it,’ interrupts St. Peter. ‘I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind … but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.

Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God’s first name’?

‘Sure,’ Forrest replied, ‘it’s Andy.’

‘Andy?’ exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

‘Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?’

‘Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,’

Forrest replied.

‘I learnt it from the song,

‘ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN..’ ‘

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:

‘Run Forrest, run!’

[ZigsQuote]

ajskj........ hate your politics man, but love your jokes.

[ajskj]

ajskj........ hate your politics man, but love your jokes.

:D

[AirForce17]

Nothing like finishing off some good jokes with one that is filthy!!!! :wacko: Fail to see the humor in this.

[E A Poe]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[geter'done31]

Two blondes were sitting on the front porch looking up at the night sky, one turns to the other and say ,oh my the moon is so beautiful ! So which do you think is closer the moon or florida? The other replies ""DUH ... we can SEE the moon!

A blonde was driving along the road and sees another blonde sitting in a row boat in the middle of a field, she stops and yells It' blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name? The other yells back Oh Yeah! well if i could swim I would sooo kick your ass!!

What do you call a boomarang that won't come back.... a stick !

:)

[429]

So Osama Bin Laden emerges from his watery grave to meet Allah. Allah say to him, "Welcome to Paradise."

Immediately, George Washington steps up and decks OBL. OBL tries to get up and Thomas Jefferson steps in to begin beating him as well. Pretty soon Robert E. Lee is there, too. OBL looks up to see 69 more men wielding clubs with the look of vengence in their eyes.

OBL cries out to Allah. Allah turns to OBL and says, "Osama, this is what you wanted. These are your 72 Virginians!"

[delta22]

Why Indian Students are attacked abroad.............?

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named

Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said

'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand

up:? ' Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the

People, shall not perish from the Earth?''

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said

Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.

Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than

you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General

Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again,

Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the

teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little ****. If you say

anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top

of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against

him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the

floor, someone said, 'Oh ****, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said

quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, September 4th, 2008'.