racbluto Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 IF YOU CAN READ THIS WITHOUT LAUGHING THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS... Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave is from... Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny li ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. * My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. * The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. * My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. * My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. * I had no control over the drooling. * Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. * I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!! 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
haymon Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 Silly boy, tazer are for girls. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vern Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 should have played Twister- Vern Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
awish30 Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 :lol: :lol: :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moose 57 Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 grabbed a supposed turned off electric fence. was not cool It was HOT (at least I didn't pee on it) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlesam Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 that was hilarious..your not a cop are you? jk....hope every body part is ok..too funny.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zul Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 :twothumbs: :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
venetia Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 ...I wouldn't mind keeping one of them in MY handbag..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiffany23 Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 This gives me an idea... My roommate is impossible to get up in the morning...i sometimes have to take marbles that I froze in the freezer all night and toss them into her bed to finally get her up......hmmmmmm Very nice! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stillwaters Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 21st century man has now learned~~~"don't taze yourself bro!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vern Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 So what did you do on the weekend --- ahhh-TAZED -DAZED and GRAZED-----Yup feel better now---.. Fell kind of crapped out--- what a weakend- --sorry had ta say it--Vern Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BanG Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 Tears in my eyes, LMAO! God Bless that hurts like hell! But this one this just kills me.......what an IDIOT at that I still cannot stop laughing nor fathom what would have possessed this action he should have Zapped the damn cat! LOLOL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slaydadea Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 Sounds like something my dumb=== brother would do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shinnidan Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 Buwahahahaha i heard this tale told & read many times....it still cracks me up!!!! "You snapper head!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxyredhead Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 I have tears in my eyes. My whole family came running into my office, to see, what in the world was wrong with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mzmichele Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 I can't breathe, tears are rolling down my face, THIS made my day! :lmao: :lmao: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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