2000th Post Wins!

[FlyHi]

Vaseline survey:

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young

woman with three small children running around at her feet.. He says, 'I'm

doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex.'

The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say

that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.

But, in fact, I

know that most people do use it for sex. I

admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me

exactly how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...

My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'

And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke....!

Shame on you

[Texas2step]

We're not exactly Dinar scientists either...

[bald1]

Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A. Kick his sister in the jaw.

[cisole]

We're not exactly Dinar scientists either...

[FlyHi]

We're not exactly Dinar scientists either...

Sadly all too true even among the guru's

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

~~~

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As

I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,

3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself,

they've lost the plot!!

~~~

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I

could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

~~~

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was

refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the

channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand

the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."

~~~

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to

our local pet shop and they were £70!!! I thought, I can get one cheaper off

the web.

~~~

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

~~~

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea

move.

~~~

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English

speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in

our country?'

[cisole]

[FlyHi]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and asked his father

when they could discuss his use of the family car. His father said that he

would make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B

average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about

the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer,

and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks, his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up quite

nicely, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed

you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in

my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long

hair, Moses had long hair and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had

long hair.

Dad's reply:

'Did you also notice that all of them walked everywhere they went?’

[Markinsa]

Ah .. well who doesn't .. right? 'Cept maybe Cisole.

Poor Piggy with a Apple shoved in his mouth and laying on hot coals, covered with banana leaves and buried... Probably not.

-

[FlyHi]

Terrorist Threat Levels - by John Cleese

THE ENGLISH are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

THE SCOTS have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

THE FRENCH government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate", The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

ITALY has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

THE GERMANS have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

BELGIANS, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

THE SPANISH are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

AUSTRALIA , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is cancelled."

FINALLY, CANADA is at "That's not nice and please stop" threat level, and has passed a bill in the House of Commons to never raise the level any higher so not to offend the terrorists.

[myst]

Plus 1 pink piggy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

myst

[cisole]

Plus 1 pink piggy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

myst

NICE SHIRT!!!!!

[FlyHi]

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day,

she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pint of prawns, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of Champagne .

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten prawns dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for afew days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The home help quit..

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local estate agents refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 50% th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home .....

.. and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[cisole]

Poor Piggy with a Apple shoved in his mouth and laying on hot coals, covered with banana leaves and buried... Probably not.

[BJinMontreal]

Hey .. The Boopster finally decided to show up ... everyone thought you and Mack were out on the town together due to your conspicuous absences.

[FlyHi]

An Australian preacher addressing his outback congregation said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Henry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Henry replied "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Henry's ear, placed his other hand on top of Henry's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Henry, how is your hearing now?"

Henry answered, "I don't know. It ain't until next week."

[Markinsa]

I guess you can get pretty dizzy too, going around and around and around... :lol:

-

[cisole]

I guess you can get pretty dizzy too, going around and around and around... :lol:

-

[bobbidoll]

I honestly thought you'd be done by now.

[Markinsa]

I honestly thought you'd be done by now.

-

[bobbidoll]

Or at least closer!

[FlyHi]

Always wear clean underwear in public,especially when working under

your vehicle.

From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove

their car to Asda, only to have their car breakdown in the car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the

car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from

under the car.

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants

turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.......

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,

quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself

staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

[DinarThug]

I honestly thought you'd be done by now.

The Instruction Manual said to be Romantic for awhile !

:D

[FlyHi]

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er ... mmm ...... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a wa$#er

[bobbidoll]

The Instruction Manual said to be Romantic for awhile !

Good answer!

[cisole]

Dinar!