2000th Post Wins!

[Markinsa]

Markinsa,

I hope you didn't take offense to my earlier post.

Nope, God LOVES BBQ. Go to Biblegateway.com and type in Pleasing.

*

[Danan]

Red Buttons was a regular on the Dean Martin celebrity roasts on tv and part of his act was always talking about the people who were never honored with a lavish feast such as the roastee was getting.

Here's Red Buttons at the roast of Frank Sinatra ...

My link

I remember now. Goodnight.

[mcuman]

OK guys I am signing out now. going to the sack. Keep it going, darn that sounds familiar. Oh yessss.

35 years, huh? well somebody's doin' somthin' right.

Til tomorrow!

[BJinMontreal]

OK guys I am signing out now. going to the sack. Keep it going, darn that sounds familiar. Oh yessss.

G'nite Danan

[Texas2step]

Nite Danan!

[BJinMontreal]

Nope, God LOVES BBQ. Go to Biblegateway.com and type in Pleasing.

*

Ah .. well who doesn't .. right? 'Cept maybe Cisole.

[mcuman]

It's time for me 'n ole Dollar to head off into the sunset....alone...AGAIN.

You guys forget about me...go on ahead......save yourselves...

Until Tomorrow.

Edited September 24, 2011 by mcuman

[BJinMontreal]

G'nite MC

Talk to ya tomorrow.

"I'll bet you have to think twice before you leave your wife alone at night." one man said to the other.

"I'll say." replied the second, "First, I have to think up a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me."

A furrier from the United States went to Helsinki, Finland to purchase furs. The first night in Helsinki he met a gorgeous blonde named Astrid, and before long the two were alone in his hotel room.

The encounter turned physical and soon their lovemaking session was complete.

After they were finished, then the man attempted to chat with Astrid -- but it wasn't going well.

He said, "I'm afraid my Finnish isn't too good."

Astrid replied, "Your foreplay ain't all that hot either!"

Edited September 24, 2011 by BJinMontreal

[Texas2step]

It's time for me 'n ole Dollar to head off into the sunset....alone...AGAIN.

You guys forget about me...go on ahead......save yourselves...

Until Tomorrow.

later!

[BJinMontreal]

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview.

Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?"

"Ummm... 4!" the blonde says.

Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: "What's the square root of 100?"

"Ummm... 10!" the blonde says.

"Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. "OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

"Ummm... I don't know," she admits.

"Well, you can go home and think about it," he says, "and come back later and tell me what you've figured out." He figures that's the last he'll see of her.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

"Not only did I get the job," the blonde says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case!"

[FlyHi]

amazing stamina BJ....you keep kicking goals...post after post after post...and everyone a winner

[BJinMontreal]

Thanks FlyHi ...

A mouse was setting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful female giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink. Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink. After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out.

The bartender took one look and said, "How did it go last night?"

The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex I ever had."

The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?"

The mouse replied, "Hey between the kissing and the screwing I must have run 10 miles!"

[FlyHi]

A win for an Aussie blond or is it??

Lucy, a blonde city girl from Sydney, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Lucy, the insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.

I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. Would you show him where the cow is when he gets here?

Lucy says okay so the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Lucy takes him down to the barn, they walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another Aussie dizzy blonde, the man asks:

Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be inseminated?'

That's simple. By the nail over its stall', Lucy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, 'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'

[BJinMontreal]

Some Tips for Rednecks ...

Dining Out

When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining In Your Home

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (Outside the Family)

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings

Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

Kissing the bride for longer than 5 seconds can get you shot.

For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Tips For All Occasions

Never take a beer to a job interview.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

[FlyHi]

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son, Anthony, for dinner. He

lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the

meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's

roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she

started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate

than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered,

"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are

just roommates."

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your

mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down

and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from

my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains

that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his

Mama which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying

that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was

sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Mama

Moral: Never lie to your mama.

[cisole]

yay

[FlyHi]

UP

noun, verb, adj, adv, prep.

Read until the end ... you'll laugh.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP) and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We callUP our friends, brighten UP a room, polishUP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with (UP to) a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U

P!

Did that one crack you UP?

Don't screw UP.. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book . .. . or not . . . it's UP to you.

Now I'll shut UP

[BJinMontreal]

You seem to have forgotten .. the always popular ... UP yours ..

A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks

"How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Billy Ray, way in the back raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. As he reached the front of the room, the professor says, "Well, so tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Billy Ray replied, "Daaaang!!! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats"!!

[Texas2step]

Disturbing Pic

[FlyHi]

'Why Our Great-Grandparents Had Fond Memories Of Their Youth...'

(I'm surprised they remember anything!!)

A bottle of Bayer's 'Heroin'.

Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was sold as a non-addictive substitute for morphine.

It was also used to treat children suffering with a strong cough..

Coca Wine, anyone?

Metcalf's Coca Wine was one of a huge variety of wines with cocaine on the market.. Everybody used to say that it would make you happy and it would also work as a medicinal treatment.

Mariani Wine.

Mariani wine (1875) was the most famous Coca wine of it's time.

Pope Leo XIII used to carry one bottle with him all the time.

He awarded Angelo Mariani (the producer) with a Vatican gold medal..

Maltine.

Maltine Coca Wine was produced by the Maltine Manufacturing Company of New York .

It was suggested that you should take a full glass with or after every meal. Children should only take half a glass.

Opium for Asthma:

At 40% alcohol plus 3 grams of opium per tablet,

It didn't cure you, but you didn't care...

Cocaine Tablets (1900).

All stage actors, singers, teachers and preachers had to have them for a maximum performance. Great to 'smooth' the voice.

Cocaine drops for toothache.

Very popular for children in 1885.

Not only did they relieve the pain, they made the children very happy!

Opium for newborns.

I'm sure this would make them sleep well (not only the Opium, but also 46% alcohol)!

It's no wonder they were called,

'The Good Old Days'!!

From cradle to grave...

Everyone Was Stoned!!!

[BJinMontreal]

The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.

The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!"

[FlyHi]

Antifun Gal : a prude

[BJinMontreal]

15 Pieces of Advice

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books .

14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal!

[FlyHi]

Q. What do your parents' car and testicles have in common?

A. Hit either one of them and you're grounded!!

[bald1]

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"