bamf1414 Posted June 25, 2011 Report Share Posted June 25, 2011 HOW TO START A FIGHT One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... ________________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _______________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ______________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........ 17 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AKVET Posted June 25, 2011 Report Share Posted June 25, 2011 Some one has a great sense of humor Great post Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solarcloud Posted June 25, 2011 Report Share Posted June 25, 2011 LAWL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Islandgirl7 Posted June 25, 2011 Report Share Posted June 25, 2011 Fantastic... what a way to start the day... Thanks..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chriscures Posted June 25, 2011 Report Share Posted June 25, 2011 Hilarious thanks for the laughs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moose 57 Posted June 25, 2011 Report Share Posted June 25, 2011 I love a good fight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caleb08 Posted June 25, 2011 Report Share Posted June 25, 2011 These are great .. I was laughing so much my husband kept telling me to stop laughing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dizzyd Posted June 25, 2011 Report Share Posted June 25, 2011 Thank you for allowing me to exercise my laughing and smiling muscles this early Sat morning! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bamf1414 Posted June 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 26, 2011 you are all welcome, glad you liked them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cisole Posted June 26, 2011 Report Share Posted June 26, 2011 LOL 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tandy Posted June 26, 2011 Report Share Posted June 26, 2011 bamf1414...thank you for making me laugh this close to midnight. Laughter is good for the soul and scientists say it will make you live longer. Cheers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Midx1 Posted June 26, 2011 Report Share Posted June 26, 2011 To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or having Balls, but do you really know the difference between them? GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, 'You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking,there is no difference in the outcome. Both will probably result in death. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umbertino Posted June 26, 2011 Report Share Posted June 26, 2011 you are all welcome, glad you liked them Bamf. ....Thanks... Very funny......Had a great laughing time reading them....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geck Posted June 26, 2011 Report Share Posted June 26, 2011 Unless there's post about a verified RV, this one has my nomination for post of the month. Thanks for the giggles bamf. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merry1 Posted June 26, 2011 Report Share Posted June 26, 2011 Now that was worth the read! ROTFLMAO! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAWRENCEOFDINARIA Posted June 26, 2011 Report Share Posted June 26, 2011 This was great, just read it all to my wife and had a good laugh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bamf1414 Posted June 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 26, 2011 To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or having Balls, but do you really know the difference between them? GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, 'You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking,there is no difference in the outcome. Both will probably result in death. I apparently don't have either if thats the choices, im kind of afraid of death still and all i can see out of both those situations is murder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DRV1804 Posted June 26, 2011 Report Share Posted June 26, 2011 OMG!! Hilarious!!!! TY for the Post!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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