JOKE TIME!! JOKE TIME!! TAKE A BREAK GUYS-ITS TIME FOR A LAUGH!

[pazloll]

a california highway patrol officer (CHP) pulls over a speeding driver. officer approaches the stopped vehicle, "excuse me sir, you were doing pretty good back there, no problem whatsoever-but i noticed as soon as you saw me in your rear view mirror you immediatly sped up and i clocked you at 85 miles per hour! What gives??"

"Well, Officer- you see, my wife ran off with a CHP officer about three months ago; and i thought it was you bringing her back!"

[nettie]

That's funny!

[kobuk1]

Knock, knock. Who's there? RV. RV who? When RV gonna cash in? (knock, knock. Who's there?...RV...RV who? RV sales are predicted to skyrocket. ) go RV!!!!!!

[Tiffany23]

My turn, My turn:

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing.

St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight.

It reaches the green.

Jesus is up next. He slices it.

It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.

Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake.

A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth.

An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog.

As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball.

It’s in the hole.

Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna F*&k around?"

[pazloll]

My turn, My turn:

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing.

St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight.

It reaches the green.

Jesus is up next. He slices it.

It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.

Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake.

A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth.

An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog.

As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball.

It’s in the hole.

Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna F*&k around?"

Too funny! I luved it. something tells me Jesus does have a sense of humor. Thanks

[dtard]

A skeleton walks into a bar takes a seat and says,Ill have a beer and a mop.

[pazloll]

A woman takes her bashful and introverted female friend out to a club, hoping her shy friend, who also has a darn hair-lip, just might get lucky and meet somebody.

"Hey Sue, see that guy over there with the nice blue slacks, he's been looking at you all night. Why dont you go over there and ask him to dance?"

"He is nice, but oh, no, I couldn't", I just can't, no way!" said Sue.

Meanwhile, the guy across the bar notices the two girls are looking and him and talking in his direction. He thinks about going over and asking the girl to dance, but since he has a wooden eye, he thinks long and hard about it, decides against it, and then finally, throwing all caution to the wind, says '"what the hell" and walks over.

"Hi, my name is Bill, would you like to dance?", he says to the shy girl.

Sue: "Oh boy, would I !!?"

Bill: Hair -Lip!! Hair -Lip!! Hair -Lip!!

[somewhereiniowa]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE .

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people.

[letitbe]

A man and his wife went go to play golf.

On the first hole the man tees off first

On his downswing, he notices his wife teeing up her ball on the lady's tee directly in front of him

Unable to stop his swing he crushes his drive and hits her in the head

She is killed instantly

A few days later the state medical examiner calls the man to tell him that his wife's death was caused from head trauma.

The examiner also told the man that he found a golf ball in his wife's rectum

The man asked was it a Titilest 4 and the examiner asked "how did you know"

The man said "that was my mulligan".

[pazloll]

Eats Shoots And Leaves

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out.

The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, "What do you want?" The bartender replies, "First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food."

The panda bear turns around and says, "Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!" The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: "Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it's stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

[pazloll]

Three blonds on death row

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

[patb1]

my turn my turn (i have 2)

The blond's house is on fire

She calls 911

Help me Help me, she pleads

My house is on fire , my house is on fire.

the 911 operators says ok ok calm down mam

then she ask

"ok HOW DO WE GET THERE"?

There is A long pause -----------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------------

the Blonde replies

and I QUOTE

"DUH , THE BIG RED TRUCK"

[stargazer55]

Firetruck!

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed

a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and

a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had

tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles..

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your

rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go

faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but

then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[pazloll]

my turn my turn (i have 2)

The blond's house is on fire

She calls 911

Help me Help me, she pleads

My house is on fire , my house is on fire.

the 911 operators says ok ok calm down mam

then she ask

"ok HOW DO WE GET THERE"?

There is A long pause -----------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------------

the Blonde replies

and I QUOTE

"DUH , THE BIG RED TRUCK"

luv it!! keep em coming!

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

Firetruck!

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed

a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and

a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had

tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles..

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your

rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go

faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but

then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[patb1]

MY SECOND ONE

(this is for those of you who may be somewhat elderly or have a hearing impariment) Espically if you are considering going on the DINAR CRUISE post RV

The elderly couple decide to go on a seniors curise.

They are late in booking so the only cabins are the ones with BUNKS

so the man says "up or down, so the wife goes into the bathroomand comes out in a night gown and climbs in bed with him and they make wonderful love.

The old man smiles and goes off to sleep.

The next night ,the same thing happens(now say it to your self "up or down") so I dont have to retype it 7 times (it was a 7 day cruise.

Each night he says this and the wife gets in her night gown and climbs in bed with him and they make wonderful love.

They finnaly get back home and the wife is unpacking and discovers that her battery has fallen out of her hearing aids.

so the husband goes to his wife and ask her (after new batteries in her hearing aid of course)

Honey, please dont get me wrong, AND belive me I loved the wonderful sex we had on the cruise,

but please tell me Why every night, when at our age its a mircale if we have sex once in 6 months.

she said what ever do you mean

well he said

every night I would say up or down(you want the top bunk or the bottom)

SHE hits him Right where it counts ,

Whyyou sorry **&*^&&&, I didnt have any batteries in my hearing aid and I thought you were saying

F*****K or DROWN

Always make sure you have fresh batteries before going off to SEA

[pazloll]

MY SECOND ONE

(this is for those of you who may be somewhat elderly or have a hearing impariment) Espically if you are considering going on the DINAR CRUISE post RV

The elderly couple decide to go on a seniors curise.

They are late in booking so the only cabins are the ones with BUNKS

so the man says "up or down, so the wife goes into the bathroomand comes out in a night gown and climbs in bed with him and they make wonderful love.

The old man smiles and goes off to sleep.

The next night ,the same thing happens(now say it to your self "up or down") so I dont have to retype it 7 times (it was a 7 day cruise.

Each night he says this and the wife gets in her night gown and climbs in bed with him and they make wonderful love....

this sounds like something Groucho Marx would say. He was one of the great ones. this was great, thankx

[Cyanide]

A guy come home very excited and says to his wife, "Honey...the Iraqi Dinars have finally RVed at over three dollars! Pack your bags!!"

The woman asks, "What should I pack for? The beach or the mountains?"

The guy replies, "I don't care, just get the hell out."

[pokerplayer]

THE HYPNOTIST

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. .." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center. Claude was never invited back.

pp

[CAPT JACK]

Posted this earlier in the year. Enjoy

We need a little more humor and less bashing, hope you like this,

TEXAS Chili Cook Off (Humor - Warning: Rough Language)

Internet | Somewhere in the past | Unknown Texan

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the Chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy Sh#$, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh#$-faced.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black Bean Chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb lady is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her Chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. I need to wipe my a## with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre Chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of Chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh#$, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the Chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).

[pokerplayer]

CAPT JACK, I laughed the entire time I was reading the last time it was posted and I still laugh. This has to be the all time classic. I would love to meet the guy who dreamed this one up !!!

pp

[ZigsQuote]

Man walks into a Bar looking very depressed. Sits down at the Bar, orders a drink

and then pulls a small piano about a foot long out of his coat and sets it on the Bar.

As the bartender is bringing his drink the man reaches into his coat pocket

again and sets a little man about a foot tall on the Bar. The little man walks

over to the piano and starts playing a beautiful piano concerto.

A crowd immediatly gathers to watch and listen to this amazing little guy play.

All of a sudden the man picks up the little guy and puts him back in his pocket,

then picks up the little piano and starts to walk out.

The bartender yells "Hey You can't just walk in here and amaze everyone with

that little man and his little piano, and then when everyone is gathered around

watching and listening, just get up and leave. Where in the world did you get

that talented little guy.

Well if you must know the guy says, I was walking down by the beach earlier

today and I tripped over this old lamp.... And just like in the story, this Genie

popped out. He said to think very carefully because He was granting me one wish.

Would you believe that Stupid A$$ Genie thought I asked for a 12 Inch Pianist?

[Tiffany23]

Speaking of which Zigs

Little Johnny has a problem. He swears too much. He cusses like a sailor. Johnny's teacher is aware of this, so she is going to be extra careful not to let Johnny cuss today.

"Okay, class. We're going to play a game today. I'm going to name a letter of the alphabet and I want you to come up with a word that starts with that letter and put it in a sentence."

The kids are excited, especially Johnny, who's thinking of every cuss word he can think of.

"Okay, class, let's start with the letter A." Johnny raises his hand.

"Susie," the teacher calls.

"A is for apple. Apples grow on trees," she replies.

"Very good," the teacher says. "Okay, class, let's do the letter B."

Johnny raises his hand excitedly.

"Mikey," the teacher calls.

"B is for baseball. Baseball is my favorite sport."

"Very good," the teacher says. "Okay, class, let's do the letter C."

Johnny raises both hands! He's going nuts! He's got the perfect word for C!!

"Bobby," the teacher calls.

"C is for cat. A cat lives in my backyard."

"Very good," The teacher says. This goes on and on, and the teacher is not going to call on Johnny if there's a cuss word that starts with the letter she calls out. Finally, she gets to the letter R. The teacher can't think of a single cuss word that starts with R, and even Johnny looks a little puzzled. So she calls out R and asks Johnny to respond.

Johnny nervously stands up. He looks around the room. Then he says "R is for a Rat...," he suddenly gets excited and stretches both arms wide, "...a Mother F&^king Rat with a D*#K this big!"

[abutchbaker]

Some good jokes

[umbertino]

A new Priest arrives in a Community right at the time when a Member of said Community has just departed....The Priest then feels he must, as part of his religious work deliver a speech where he will talk about the Man and how good he was etc.....In order to do that, since he obviously doesn't know anything about him, decides to gather a few Community Members in Church and ask them what good this man has done throughout his life, some particular episode, etc..... The Folks gahered in Church look at each other and nobody says anything... The Priest insists and they say that he had not really done anything worth mentioning...

The Priest, kinda exasperated, asks again... " But there must be something good about him... Come on People ..."... Again silence.....The Priest at that point is about to give up when he sees a Man timidly raising his hand.... Priest is overjoyed and asks the Man to talk and give his testimonial about what good the departed Member has done....

The man who raised his hand then utters......." His brother was worse...."

[DinarMillionaire]

In an old folks home, a little old lady walks into a little old mans room, in her robe, she throws open her robe and yells "Super pu**y" and the old man replies, "Oh, I'll have the soup."

Edited July 15, 2011 by DinarMillionaire