Funny - Humor

[Muleslayer]

I personally fit that bill of goods at various times in my life. :lol:/>

Particularly the outdoor sex part! ;)/>

I know TMI.

[jaman]

A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch?'

'What's so special about it?'

The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

The cowboy says, 'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken, because I AM wearing panites!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says......

'Damn thing's an hour fast!"

[jaman]

Subject: FW: funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee

when

he

noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby

cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse

about

50

feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a

solitary

man

walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back,

were

about

200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached

the man

walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this

may

be a

bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose

funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My m other-in-law. She was trying to help my

wife

when

the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the

two

men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

[jaman]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Germany asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"

> "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

> "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

> "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

> When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

> "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

> Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Have a good day."

[jaman]

WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY....

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY:

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement..

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS also didn't SAY. . ........

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood !"

[Bumper64]

[jaman]

Subject: 9 Months Later...

Same old stuff

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said . 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. 'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes, Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out;' I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? You know you smiled... now keep that smile for the rest of the day!

[RodandStaff]

Hey Bump.....how about upgrading my green button. Only used it 5 times today. Thanks

They come with upgrades??? HEY BUMP... I want an upgrade too!!!

Thanks for keepin the good times rollin Bump.. no air bags required!!!

[Bumper64]

They come with upgrades??? HEY BUMP... I want an upgrade too!!!

Thanks for keepin the good times rollin Bump.. no air bags required!!!

I have to be honest, I have no idea how to add more +'s to any ones account!! I thought we all had the same numbers

[RodandStaff]

I have to be honest, I have no idea how to add more +'s to any ones account!! I thought we all had the same numbers

What...that's easy Bumper!!! You just cross the flux capacitor with gyro inverter, and then put phaser on stun so no one get's hurt... simple really!!!

[jaman]

A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”

The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and starts shaking him. The big guy says, “What's wrong with you?” In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”

The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!" :lol:

[jaman]

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb

blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair

have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like

me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are

dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only

blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little s h i t on your lap."

[genx4me]

These are just too funny! :lol:/> :lol:/> :lol:/>

[Elixirbaby]

no offence....we gals can use a lemon too!!!

Never go to a bar without it.

[Bumper64]

[Bumper64]

[jaman]

good one...

[Bumper64]

[Shabibilicious]

GO RV, then BV