Our True Enemies lay to the North of Us-Canada

[Tiffany23]

http://www.collegian.psu.edu:8080/archive/1998/07/07-27-98tdc/07-27-98d07-002.asp

Revealed -- Canada's evil plot to take over the world

Since the end of the Cold War, we Americans have lived under the snug blanket of complacency which being a superpower provides. We outspent the so-called "evil empire" of the Soviets into submission, for which I most warmly and humbly thank President Reagan's astrologer. The Europeans, despite occasional attempts to show independence, are as good as U.S. satellites. Even our economic rivals, the Japanese, have fallen upon hard times. China does not yet appear ready to take its place as a global superpower, so we have nothing to worry about, right?

Wrong. One major threat stands in the way of American world dominance, and unless we figure out away to defeat this menace, we may wake up one day as residents of the eleventh province.

The menace of which I speak is our neighbor to the north -- Canada.

I know, it seems implausible, but unless steps are taken to combat the real "evil empire," your children may pledge allegiance to a leaf, listen to Bryan Adams and say "eh" three times a sentence.

I know what you're thinking. "The Canadians!?!" I'm sure that you have already come up with multiple reasons why the Canadians could not take over the United States. Not enough people, not enough military technology, Québec, the list could go on all day. However, that's just part of their nefarious plot.

The Canadians, at first glance, seem to be good neighbors, if a bit strange. They let us play hockey with them, they wave us right through at customs, they even make sure their dollar is weak so that we can go on shopping sprees there. Sure, some of them speak French, and they get uppity about who gets how much salmon from the Pacific, but on the whole, they're better neighbors than Mexico, so we think.

But the Mexicans don't have designs on taking over the United States. You see, this "good neighbor" crap is just an act. They want us to think that they are happy, friendly people who sing and dance while drinking Molson all day. That way, when the invasion day (C-Day) arrives, we'll be so surprised that we'll be helpless.

On my most recent journey to the evil empire, I, disguised as a Canadian, learned about this plot, and I now reveal it to an American audience for the first time.

Children in Canada are taught of the weakness of America and the strength of Canada from birth. Every time a midget league hockey player shoots a puck into a net, it is celebrated as a blow into the side of the Great Satan (that's us). Any discussion with a Canadian invariably leads to recollecting the War of 1812, where they (although still a British colony) burned down the White House. When they go up to the Northlands to hunt, they're not hunting game, they're trying to bag an American tourist.

."You still don't believe me, do you? "Sure, they may want to take over America, but they don't have the firepower or manpower to do it," you say. Well, that is not the case. Up in the Northwest Territories, in what we Americans still naïvely believe is only tundra and an occasional Inuit, are hidden labs, where a new generation of "Super-Canadians" are being created. These "Super-Canadians," the results of years of genetic engineering, take advantage of the traditional Canadian strengths (drinking and hockey) and add to these military training, a 92 m.p.h. two-seam fastball, and above all, an undying hatred of Americans. These millions of trained warriors can, on a moments notice, strike a death-blow to the heart of American society by crossing the world's longest undefended border and wreaking havoc on the American populace.

"OK, so they have the manpower," you admit. "But we'll just find them and hunt them down like the miserable dogs that they are." If it were only that easy. You see, Canadians are masters of disguise. They are trained to be able to pass as Americans so that they can serve as spies. And this spying is taking place to an alarming degree. From music (Alanis Morrisette, Barenaked Ladies), to movies and television (Mike Myers, Dan Akyroyd), to even baseball (Larry Walker), Canadians have infiltrated the cultural machine of America. Who gives us the news everyday? Peter Jennings, a Canadian. A perfect set-up to provide propaganda to us while we are being invaded.

So, how can we avoid becoming the eleventh province? Nuclear annihilation won't work; 80% of their population lives within 100 miles of the U.S.-Canada border, so we'd wipe out a lot of important states while inflicting only minimal harm on New Jersey. Cultural assimilation has proved futile; Canadians have somehow managed to continue thinking of themselves as Canadians instead of nicer, cleaner Americans. So what are we left with? I propose that we defeat them the only way we have left: economically. One day next week (I'm free Wednesday), every American citizen should make a shopping trip to Canada. This will tie up the infrastructure, while allowing the Canadians to see all Americans up close. While the occasional New Yorker may be only mildly offensive to the average Ontarian, the family from South Carolina who honestly believes that Strom Thurmond still has a functioning brain may be too much for a Canadian to take. By showing Canada how the Province of South Ontario (i.e. The United States) would only ruin it by being loud, dirty, obnoxious, and just plain stupid, I believe that Canadians, in one voice, would rise up and demand that their government cease all activities leading to the colonization of the U.S. And when that happens, the Canadians will be ripe to be made the 51st state. Sure, we'll have to translate "The Star-Spangled Banner" into French, but the U.S. hockey team will be unbeatable.

Personally, I think Smee is one of their head spooks....oh she may seem smart, classy, almost friendly...but come on, she's way too intelligent for a "normal" Canadian...she MUST be a spy, trying to learn all of our ways so she can report back to their High Command. We know of your wicked way Smee...and we will be watch out for you!

[gatoraces]

i saw that movie. alan alda as the president; john candy, rhea perlman. classic.

[Capn Geech]

They've been trying to take us over for years.

They sneak their money in.

They send Canadian spies as actors.

It's all there people!!

[gatoraces]

freakin' michael j. fox, alex trebek, anne murray. ugh.

[Dogmatic1]

Personally, I think Smee is one of their head spooks....oh she may seem smart, classy, almost friendly...but come on, she's way too intelligent for a "normal" Canadian...she MUST be a spy, trying to learn all of our ways so she can report back to their High Command. We know of your wicked way Smee...and we will be watch out for you!

Read more: http://dinarvets.com/forums/index.php?/topic/94342-our-true-enemies-lay-to-the-north-of-us-canada/#ixzz1fslfnqk4

Perhaps, she's really Rachel McAdams, or Sandra Oh...or maybe even Pamela Anderson...nah, on second thought...she's definitely not as smart as Smee!

Great article, Tiff! Quite funny, it's nice to see that side of you! BTW, I need to respond to your last message...still thinking about how to write it

[Aces-n-Eights]

Smee... is any of this true?

[Dogmatic1]

Smee... is any of this true?

It's all tongue in cheek humor

[Maggie123]

Tiff You Can't Be Serious

Smee is a Loved Member Here as well as quite a few other Canadians... Hi BJ

I take great offense to your post if you are serious, just total BS

[Aces-n-Eights]

freakin' michael j. fox, alex trebek, anne murray. ugh.

and justin beaver

[Nelg]

Tiff, they have already taken over! Snow is creeping down from the north and will soon cover their advance. Quick, everyone, get your hairdryers ready!

Funny stuff Tiffany.

[colt32]

Ah, those nuckers. Dang it. We took our eyes off em. Eh! It's all hockey nowadays.

[Maggie123]

Sorry Tiff OOoops I Get It Now, You are So Clever

[Dogmatic1]

Tiff You Can't Be Serious

Smee is a Loved Member Here as well as quite a few other Canadians... Hi BJ

I take great offense to your post if you are serious, just total BS

She is only kidding, she adores Smee . Not trying to speak for Tiff, but I've seen how she responds to Smee, believe me, she likes and respects her, too!

[Maggie123]

She is only kidding, she adores Smee . Not trying to speak for Tiff, but I've seen how she responds to Smee, believe me, she likes and respects her, too!

That is what I thought... I was just so shocked

Had I waited a couple of minutes and saw your post I would have been laughing too

Thank You Dogmatic your the greatest!

[caz1104]

You gotta wonder bout a country who's biggest contribution to the world so far is Jim Carey ,and best known politician was Pierre Trudeau. Other than that not much to get yourself worked up over. Oh wait I hear the strip clubs in Toronto are pretty Hot,so that makes three things. I'm sure I'm missing one or two more,maybe.

[Shabibilicious]

Oh Canada...Our home and native land...hmmm hmmm hmmm.....something something....whatever.

GO RV, then BV (which happens to be Canadian)

[Dogmatic1]

That is what I thought... I was just so shocked

Had I waited a couple of minutes and saw your post I would have been laughing too

Thank You Dogmatic your the greatest!

Yeah, we were writing our posts at the same time, but you won! And...no...you are the greatest...defending Smee, like that!

[Shabibilicious]

You gotta wonder bout a country who's biggest contribution to the world so far is Jim Carey ,and best known politician was Pierre Trudeau. Other than that not much to get yourself worked up over. Oh wait I hear the strip clubs in Toronto are pretty Hot,so that makes three things. I'm sure I'm missing one or two more,maybe.

You forgot "The Great One"

GO RV, then BV

[Dogmatic1]

You gotta wonder bout a country who's biggest contribution to the world so far is Jim Carey ,and best known politician was Pierre Trudeau. Other than that not much to get yourself worked up over. Oh wait I hear the strip clubs in Toronto are pretty Hot,so that makes three things. I'm sure I'm missing one or two more,maybe.

You, insufferable, playboy, you!

[caz1104]

You forgot "The Great One"

GO RV, then BV

Jackie Gleason!!!!! I take everything I posted back(maybe-lol),one of the pure geniuses of comedy. Wait scratch that Canada also gave us Martin Short................ughhhhhhhhhh.

You, insufferable, playboy, you!

Its good to smile is'nt it? Always nice to see/hear from you.

[Dogmatic1]

Jackie Gleason!!!!! I take everything I posted back(maybe-lol),one of the pure geniuses of comedy. Wait scratch that Canada also gave us Martin Short................ughhhhhhhhhh.

Its good to smile is'nt it? Always nice to see/hear from you.

You got that, right! It's always good to see you, caz!

[TFK]

I having a great laugh right now. It looks like the plan has been unearthed!

Part of our master plan is to send you bands like Nickelback. They will lull you into a sense of disgust until your puking! Then we'll march in the heavy hitters like Justin Beiber to really finish off whoever's still standing!

It's all coming together! Hail Canada!!!

[smee2]

Dum diddy um dum , dum diddy um dum Duuum Duuum!

Dum diddy um dum , dum diddy um dum ... dum diddy um dum Duuum!

Dum Dum Duuuum ...

Dum diddy um dum, dum diddy um dum,

Dum diddy um dum Duuum!

Don't forget Lorne Green ... !!! Bonanza

You do realize that you guys are all a little nuts, eh?

Tiff, I loved the post. I was reading and laughing and then you got me involved and I almost choked on my juice, which is not a good thing. They already took away my knives and forks and if I can't even drink my juice without choking they might take away fluids too. *sheesh* I am supposed to be on 24 hour suicide watch but I only have to put up with them 12 hours a day because the late shift is on strike. This is, after all, Canada ... eh?

And for crying out loud woman ... you are far too clever ... I didn't think you would have figured out the primary evil plan so soon or so well. Sheeeee-it ... we will have to devise a new plan. Maybe moose suits, you know ... two guys and a moose skin and one of the guys gets to be a moose's arse? eh? hahahahahahahaha

Love you guys ...

smee2

[pokerplayer]

Don't force me to throw the switch releasing the super humans from the Tundra !!!

pp

[smee2]

You gotta wonder bout a country who's biggest contribution to the world so far is Jim Carey ,and best known politician was Pierre Trudeau. Other than that not much to get yourself worked up over. Oh wait I hear the strip clubs in Toronto are pretty Hot,so that makes three things. I'm sure I'm missing one or two more,maybe.

Think again Grasshopper ... Canada's biggest contribution to the world is that gooey stuff that trees leak, Quebeckers harvest, and the world pours over their pancakes ... Maple Syrup! Runner up was Poutine but that is not nearly as describable as maple syrup ... basically french fries drowned in imitation chemical tasitng gravy with cheese curds dumped on them. The real stuff is great but you won't get the real stuff in most places. too bad, so sad.