2000th Post Wins!

[cisole]

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whiskey you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whiskey you idiot".

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

[BJinMontreal]

You know you are living in 2011 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go home and get it !!

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your tea or coffee

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message to.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list !!

[Aces-n-Eights]

Wow - ONLY 1368 ... NOT even 1400 yet.

Maybe some one should go un-connect Betty and Mack so we can get some posts flowing ...

instead of whatever is flowing in through or between them ... ew!!

well for the better part of the afetrnoon we all been stuck on 69..... pages that is

[BJinMontreal]

--------------------------------------------------------------

Things You Learn in Texas

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas plus a couple that have not been identified yet.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

"Fixinto" is one word.

There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

DJeet? means "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You measure distance in minutes.

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

We don't need no stinking driver's Ed . . . If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

[umbertino]

BJ, since you live in beautiful Montreal, I'd take for granted you're bi-lingual so I'll dedicate this song to you ( and everybody else)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvqFsUdk1Hc

And... A general idea of Brazil......

It shows some of Copacabana, Rio de Janeiro... Walked on that long Boulevard eons ago... Avenida Atlantica..... Awesome....

Edited September 24, 2011 by umbertino

[BJinMontreal]

How Many American Tourists Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Fifteen.

Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.

BJ, since you live in beautiful Montreal, I'd take for granted you're bi-lingual so I'll dedicate this song to you ( and everybody else)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvqFsUdk1Hc

Thanks Umbertino ...

Not totally ... enough to make me wish I had paid more attention in elementary school when it was mandatory in the school system. I always figured ... when the hell am I ever going to need to speak French? ... ah ... now?

[cisole]

You know you are living in 2011 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go home and get it !!

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your tea or coffee

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message to.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list !!

[umbertino]

Music inspired to the "Capoeira" ancient wrestling form now turned into a expression of dancing art...

Typical of Salvador da Bahia.

[BJinMontreal]

STATE MOTTOS

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alabama: Like the Third World, but Closer!

Alabama: Keeping it in the Family Since 1819

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Alaska: Jeez, it's Cold.

Alaska: Yeah, But It's a Dry Cold.

Arizona: Welcome to Hell's Wait Room

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat

Arizona: Soon To Be the Pacific Coast State

Arizona: There's nothing like living on the sun

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

Arkansas: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh

Arkansas: Attention K-Mart Shoppers!

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

California: From the Hills to the Hood, we're still better than you.

Colorado: Our state flower is the Orange Road Cone

Colorado: Now 100% John Denver Free!

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet

Connecticut: The Middle C is silent, Casshole.

Delaware: Everything is Smaller Here!

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Leave us alone, we're busy enjoying the 82 degree winter

Florida: Get Off of My State, You Kids!

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Florida: So Close, You Can Smell Fidel

Florida: More Than Just a Great Place to Die

Florida: Canadian Collector

Florida: America's Wang

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Georgia: Hey, don't mess with us or we'll take away the hip-hop and rap music!

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Hawaii: Come surfing because we love your hilarious You Tube vids.

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Not Really, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Idaho: You Can Be Da Ho Next

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Indiana: Dan Quayle's Favorite Country!

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things with Corn

Kansas: First of the Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: Don't worry, We All Come with Translators.

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, but That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, but We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Massachusetts: Now with 30% Fewer Kennedys!

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Michigan: Last One Out, Turn off the Lights!

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Minnesota: 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction

Mississippi: Come and Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Missouri: Loves Company!

Missouri: The "Show Me State". You show me yours and I'll show you my rifle

Montana: Land Of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.

Nebraska: The "N" is for Knowledge

Nebraska: Bring Something to Do!

Nebraska: Land of Two Seasons - Winter and Construction

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Hampshire: Just Like Old Hampshire, but Newer

New Jersey: What Smell?

New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Cleaner than Regular Mexico and Less Bodies in the Sandbox

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right To Remain Silent, You Have the Right To an Attorney

New York: We Matter, You Don't!

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!

Ohio: The drinking state with a football problem.

Ohio: An empty state on holidays and weekends (because everyone is in Kentucky)

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Ohio: It's Not Just "Hello" in Japanese

Ohio: Where One of Your Dad's Friends Lives

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl - It's What's For Dinner

Oregon: It's OR-EE-GUN, you idiot!

Pennsylvania: What the !@#$%&* You Looking At?!

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: Welcome to Rhode Island. You're now leaving Rhode Island

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

Rhode Island: Small, Yes, But We Know What to Do with It!

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Utah: set your watch back 20 years.

Vermont: Yep

Vermont: Gettin' Busy with New Hampshire since 1791

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One million people, and 15 last names.

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wisconsin: Come Smell our Dairy Air

Wyoming: Where Men are Men (And The Sheep are Scared)

[cisole]

STATE MOTTOS

[umbertino]

Quote

Thanks Umbertino ...

Not totally ... enough to make me wish I had paid more attention in elementary school when it was mandatory in the school system. I always figured ... when the hell am I ever going to need to speak French? ... ah ... now?

End Quote

I'd feel like sharing a true short story with you about this french-english issue... Happened to me.....Ok.. I do not speak french... I can understand some and attempt to say something as it's very similar to italian but I don't know the language and the grammar....Having said that...

I was bumming around the US in 1977 by Greyhound ( unlimited mileage) and I took a few short trips into Canada ( Vancouver, Toronto, Montreal, Ottawa).... I was on my way to Ottawa where I had my party waiting for me and I had to switch buses in Montreal ... My waiting time there in Montreal was like 5-6 hours and it was Late October and I was freezing, I still recall....

Having traveled all night from the US and being a 20 yrs od young man I was hungry like a bull when I got there at 7:00 AM ...I literally dashed to the bar-restaurant-cafeteria in the Bus Depot wanting to have a great breakfast... I sat at the small counter and after checking the menu I decided to go for my favorite North-American breakfast item.... Pancakes ( I loved them)..So I catch the eyes of the waitress and told her , in english, to please get me a few pancakes with syrup......Well, You can't imagine the angry expression she had when I spoke in english to her......In the beginning she even pretended she didn't hear me... I had to repeat that to her 3 or 4 times until she finally took my order... Those were the years ( 1977) in which they were already talking about getting independent from the rest of Canada etc.

BTW....After that I just walked around Montreal and I freakin' fell in love with the City..... So beautiful.......

Edited September 24, 2011 by umbertino

[BJinMontreal]

Quote

Thanks Umbertino ...

Not totally ... enough to make me wish I had paid more attention in elementary school when it was mandatory in the school system. I always figured ... when the hell am I ever going to need to speak French? ... ah ... now?

End Quote

I'd feel like sharing a true short story with you about this french-english issue... Happened to me.....Ok.. I do not speak french... I can understand some and attempt to say something as it's very similar to italian but I don't know the language and the grammar....Having said that...

I was bumming around the US in 1977 by Greyhound ( unlimited mileage) and I took a few short trips into Canada ( Vancouver, Toronto, Montreal, Ottawa).... I was on my way to Ottawa where I had my party waiting for me and I had to switch buses in Montreal ... My waiting time there in Montreal was like 5-6 hours and it was Late October and I was freezing, I still recall....

Having traveled all night from the US and being a 20 yrs od young man I was hungry like a bull when I got there at 7:00 AM ...I literally dashed to the bar-restaurant-cafeteria in the Bus Depot wanting to have a great breakfast... I sat at the small counter and after checking the menu I decided to go for my favorite North-American breakfast item.... Pancakes ( I loved them)..So I catch the eyes of the waitress and told her , in english, to please get me a few pancakes with syrup......Well, You can't imagine the angry expression she had when I spoke in english to her......In the beginning she even pretended she didn't hear me... I had to repeat that to her 3 or 4 times until she finally took my order... Those were the years ( 1977) in which they were already talking about getting independent from the rest of Canada etc.

BTW....After that I just walked around Montreal and I freakin' fell in love with the City..... So beautiful.......

Regrettably you would still find that attitude prevalent in some areas of Montreal. I too can understand what most people are saying to me in French .. provided they are talking slow and NOT using any slang or any kind of tense (past, future, whatever) but for me to attempt to converse with them, I first have to decide what I may want to say ... then try to translate it in my head to see if it sounds right .. and then verbalize it. Most times I will get a HUH ?!? ... and then I have to try and explain what I meant to say ... and finally I just blurt out something like I don't speak French !!!

They are still talking about another referendum to separate ...but the thing these separatists don't realize is if they leave Canada ... they will be losing all their tax revenues from English companies who will move to Toronto or Ottawa and the exodus of English-speaking people will also further lessen their tax base and they will be crying for Canada's monetary bail-out faster than you can say Vive le Quebec libre !!!

[umbertino]

Regrettably you would still find that attitude prevalent in some areas of Montreal. I too can understand what most people are saying to me in French .. provided they are talking slow and NOT using any slang or any kind of tense (past, future, whatever) but for me to attempt to converse with them, I first have to decide what I may want to say ... then try to translate it in my head to see if it sounds right .. and then verbalize it. Most times I will get a HUH ?!? ... and then I have to try and explain what I meant to say ... and finally I just blurt out something like I don't speak French !!!

They are still talking about another referendum to separate ...but the thing these separatists don't realize is if they leave Canada ... they will be losing all their tax revenues from English companies who will move to Toronto or Ottawa and the exodus of English-speaking people will also further lessen their tax base and they will be crying for Canada's monetary bail-out faster than you can say Vive le Quebec libre !!!

Thank you for sharing that....Interesting.... What you say does make sense to me.

Edited September 24, 2011 by umbertino

[cisole]

1391

[design interrupted]

Wow, we made it past 69 with barely a mention. What's happened to this thread? It's G rated

[cisole]

Wow, we made it past 69 with barely a mention. What's happened to this thread? It's G rated

What thread?

[design interrupted]

1394zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[mcuman]

1391

It's Saturday...ya know...mow the lawn....grocery shop....kids games....clean the house...wash the car....kill a croc...polish the caber....reset the compression count on Outlook Express....

But we're takin' it over the top tonite Cisole...count on it!

1394zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Girl UNinterrupted!!!

[cisole]

It's Saturday...ya know...mow the lawn....grocery shop....kids games....clean the house...wash the car....kill a croc...polish the caber....reset the compression count on Outlook Express....

But we're takin' it over the top tonite Cisole...count on it!

Girl UNinterrupted!!!

[design interrupted]

It's Saturday...ya know...mow the lawn....grocery shop....kids games....clean the house...wash the car....kill a croc...polish the caber....reset the compression count on Outlook Express....

But we're takin' it over the top tonite Cisole...count on it!

Girl UNinterrupted!!!

It's night where I am!

[mcuman]

OLLO, Piggy!

It's night where I am!

Working by candlelight tonight? Glass of wine....keyboard and...thee?

[BETTYBOOP]

Wow - ONLY 1368 ... NOT even 1400 yet.

Maybe some one should go un-connect Betty and Mack so we can get some posts flowing ...

instead of whatever is flowing in through or between them ... ew!!

:lol: EW! NOTHING YOU WOULD NOT BE SAYING THAT IFIT WAS FLOWING BETWEEN US!! But it was wonderful.

How are all you fruitcakes this evening? I won't be here very long because i am early duty and need to fall out of bed at 05;30. I am still catching up be with you in two shakes of a lambs tail.

AHAHAHAHAH......... I just now got that. I am so slow

Hmmm...probmes.? Wooonnnnderrrrrr what that means hmmmmm she's she's. been short circuited

Hi BB:wave:

Hi Wishwell.. Tkae more than Macks caber to short circuit me!

[mcuman]

EW! NOTHING YOU WOULD NOT BE SAYING THAT IFIT WAS FLOWING BETWEEN US!! But it was wonderful.

How are all you fruitcakes this evening? I won't be here very long because i am early duty and need to fall out of bed at 05;30. I am still catching up be with you in two shakes of a lambs tail.

Where you been gurl? I was telling evryone you pulled the half day shift...11:00 to 11:00 my time, the other day and was probably tuckered from the fray. I don't know if anybody bought it, .....but that's what I said.

[lightfighter]

T

--------------------------------------------------------------

Things You Learn in Texas

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas plus a couple that have not been identified yet.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

"Fixinto" is one word.

There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

DJeet? means "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You measure distance in minutes.

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

We don't need no stinking driver's Ed . . . If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

Spoken like a true Texan!

[Mack0121]

I should have known Cisole's ADD would kick in...no way he has the attention span to wait for 3000 posts...that boy...I said that boy needs to learn patience...

Like the patience it takes to slowly trace your fingers over and around that certain place that drives your significant other insane...instead of just going for the goodies...