deicated to studdgage lol

[babysnake]

HOMEMADE CHILI

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of

action was a wise one.. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and

consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to ****

yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being

painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the

next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of

coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.. No 'Watson's

Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I

was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as

'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I

bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish

the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart

and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I

was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm

referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at

the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the

night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied

their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large

intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets

which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in

a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to

move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so

slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to

move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner

and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction

would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever

been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm

sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor

clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and

apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before

gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his

arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course,

made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down',

if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth

from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few

folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and

firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming,

and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the

whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the

inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my *** is burning

SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is

the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly

said, 'Son-of-a-b*tch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly

left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart

intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and

said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some

prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the

vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape

me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his

nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran

off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted

from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat

but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at

Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole

matter. Bastar*ds claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

[wrebiejo]

That is the funny thing I have read in a long time. Thanks babysnake for makin my day and studdage don't eat food made with "post mordum" animals. LOL

[Soldier]

Most realist thread Ive read in months. Thanks,

[Ready1]

I fell out my chair, still laughing!!!!

Good stuff

[Mesha]

OMG! LMAOOOOOO! I really needed that! Do you write for a living??? LOL!

[Lollie]

Been there, done that !!!!

Thank you for this funny, funny story Babysnake.

[Deacon B]

The tears I shed are puddling on the floor!! Funny.... creative.... worth framing!!

[babysnake]

thank ya'll very much -glad it made you smile

[Lady Liberty]

I'm laughing so hard I'm crying!!! Trying to laugh quietly though because my daughter is sleeping and I don't want to wake her up!

[petie64]

I can not thank you enough. I know I don't want to go shopping with my husband after a night of my sister-in-law's chili. I am very sure is road kill. I know she puts enough hot sh#t to make the guy at the Mexican food place that we go to and he always says {Dont you have anything in this place that has any fire to it?} scream in pain, and ask for a gallon of milk. You made my night. I have been looking at this site for so long my eyes are crossed.

Thank you Thank you Thank you.

[armondtoth]

HOMEMADE CHILI

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of

action was a wise one.. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and

consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to ****

yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being

painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the

next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of

coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.. No 'Watson's

Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I

was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as

'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I

bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish

the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart

and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I

was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm

referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at

the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the

night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied

their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large

intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets

which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in

a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to

move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so

slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to

move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner

and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction

would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever

been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm

sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor

clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and

apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before

gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his

arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course,

made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down',

if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth

from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few

folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and

firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming,

and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the

whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the

inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my *** is burning

SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is

the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly

said, 'Son-of-a-b*tch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly

left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart

intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and

said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some

prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the

vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape

me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his

nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran

off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted

from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat

but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at

Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole

matter. Bastar*ds claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

All I can say is " Holy Crap is that funny"

[machcobra]

Priceless, I laughed my assss off.

[mrparrot]

Moments like these are few and far between.

Years ago, when I worked for a GM dealership,

I managed to clear the entire Parts Department.

It was classic.

People running out the doors.

Our Dispatcher jumped over the counter to get to

the door faster.

My punishment?

After everyone was safely outside, they blocked

the doors so I couldn't get out.

I must now tip my hat to you.

An entire Home Depot?

Wow.

You are truly "The Master" and I bow

to your excellence.

[Bruce Blackburn]

You're Good!... Too Funny!

[NotReallyTex]

That was pretty darn funny.

[ryarbro]

OMG soooo gross but yet, sooooooo funny

[neilg]

Babysnake,thanks, that was extremely funny chit.u da chit man or did you have da chit man.either way chit was funny,i laughed all by myself.i bet u it was so bad that if you were at a supermarket,you would of made all the onions cry.....

[jackdavis1364]

Thanks I needed that! I cannot remember when I have laughed so hard. That was the funniest post I have ever read. It doesn't matter if it is intel or rumor. Dat dere is funny. I don't care who you are!

[DaveH]

:bow:

you da man!!

too funny....we are all humbled by your greatness

ps i think it is the jalepenos

[Danneedsrvnow]

Holy crap....I don't laugh often, but that was one of the funniest things I have ever read!!!

[Chief V]

Hilarious, I needed that!!! Thanks!!! Gotta git the flippin tears outta my eyes now...lol

[C_BOLT]

WOW - I needed that - Thank you !!!

[valentine]

Best nestory that iv'e head in a while , makes the waiting easier!!!hahahahahahh