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Everything posted by mrparrot

  1. Kap...I think I heard someone tell someone else to start warming up the lobster tank. Don't know, but you might want to get your swimming trunks on! It's plenty warm in here as it is. That's why I stay in here...
  2. I just got the One Week Badge, the One Month Badge, and the One Year Badge, and listed as a Newbie, but the profile says that I've been a member since 2009. So what's up???
  3. Did you hear about the Nun and the Priest and the Donkey...? A young priest wanted to raise money for his church, and seeing that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However , at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey. The priest figured that since he had the donkey anyway, he may as well go ahead and enter it in the races. Much to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the daily racing form carried the headline: "PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS." The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again the following day. This time the donkey won! The next day the racing form read: "PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT." The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he told the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper headline that day read: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS." This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal at once. The priest decided to give it to the nearby convent. The headlines that afternoon read: "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN." The bishop fainted! He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey immediately. She found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal for $10. The next day the paper headlines stated: "NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR TEN BUCKS." They buried the bishop that afternoon, and on the day following the funeral the headlines read: "TOO MUCH ASS RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP'S DEATH."
  4. I've been on this roller coaster ride for over a decade. I quit counting the months a long time ago. If it ever happens, great. If it never happens, oh well. I have zero opinions on how it could go. I just hang out in the Lopster Pot because it's warm in here, and I love seafood...
  5. For the three of you that laughed at my post, congratulations on still having a sense of humor after all these years. For those of you who are experiencing a pinching, bunching, or tightening sensation in the panty area, please, enhance your calm. You're reading WAY TOO MUCH into my comment...
  6. ***crawls up to the edge of the Lopster Pot*** If it sounds too good to be true... ***crawls back down to the bottom of the Lopster Pot***
  7. Did anyone pay attention to the first part...? Dear Client, Iraq signs with the U.S International Development Finance Corporation (DFC) a memorandum of understanding (MOU) to support the private sector in Iraq for $ 1bn over the next four years. Does this mean that Iraq gets to drag their backsides for another four years...?
  8. Things have always been in motion. Backwards is a motion, too... 😄
  9. Trump wants the country back to work by Easter. Iraq wants a government formed in two weeks. I'm surprised that Luigi hasn't put two and two together yet... 😄
  10. Confession time... I am the reason why we have not only been waiting for so long, but also why we will continue to wait. Allow me to explain. If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. The moment I sell mine back to my broker, the RV will happen...
  11. For those of you who are ALWAYS late to everything, I have your "Get Out Of Jail Free" card... "The early bird may get the worm, but the SECOND mouse ALWAYS get the cheese.:. I'd rather have the cheese...
  12. Ya'll forgot to mention another good use for baking soda. ***puts on his Teachers Hat*** Got an ant problem? Baits don't work? Insecticides don't work? Windex not doing it? Flame thrower not doing it? That's because you're killing only the ones that you can SEE. You need to take out the nest AND the QUEEN. For those of you who fell asleep in Junior High Science Class, let's review the physiology of the ant, paying special attention to their digestive tract. The little buggers lack the ability to BURP. Would anyone like to guess where we're going here...? ***listens to the crickets because most of the class has fallen asleep*** OK, for the one person who is still awake, only because they're getting paid to take notes for the rest of the class... In a small bowl, mix a 50/50 blend of BAKING SODA and SUGAR. They will not only eat it, but will haul it back to the nest. And since they can't burp, the baking soda causes gases to build up in their little bodies until they burst like a ballon!!! Now I can't guarantee that if you put your ear to the ground, that you'll hear them popping like a roll of bubble wrap, but it will get the job done. CLASS DISMISSED!!! ***gets trampled as the herd runs for the door***
  13. Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but someone is messing with you. Mr. Brando passed away 15 years ago... Born: April 3, 1924, Omaha, NE Died: July 1, 2004, Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center, Los Angeles, CA
  14. Sensuous. Sensuous up, can you get me another beer?
  15. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 99.9%. It's called wedding cake....
  16. Perhaps this is a better list for your needs... Budgerigar — Also known as the Budgie, or Parakeet, this common little bird is capable of learning a large number of phrases and songs. Their voice tends to be low and not always defined, and males tend to train better than females. Monk Parakeet — Also called the Quaker Parakeet, this colorful little bird is actually a small parrot. They are known for being very clever and social, developing large vocabularies of phrases and words. Indian Ringneck — Very clever little birds, Indian Ringnecks can develop a large vocabulary, and speak very clearly in sentences. Not so much for mimicking the pitch of a human voice, they more often speak in their own bird voices, though they can carry the mood of the phrase. Eclectus — Known for being especially gender dimorphous -- the male is green and the female bright red -- this parrot is able to verbalize distinctly and mimic the tone and mood of language. While its capabilities are strong, these abilities depend entirely on training from an early age. Hill Myna — This pretty little black bird has an amazing capacity for mimicking human voices, with a varied range of pitch and tonality. I do hope this is the last time we'll have to address this subject. Bird poop can be rather difficult to remove from ones hair while one is enjoying a day at the park...
  18. Really? Again? Didn't we just have this conversation less than a month ago...? The next time you need an animal that starts with the letter p, could you PLEASE consult this list? Thank you. Pademelon Panther Patas Monkey Peacock Pekingese Pelican Penguin Persian Pheasant Pied Tamarin Pig Pika Pike Pink Fairy Armadillo Piranha Platypus Pointer Poison Dart Frog Polar Bear Pond Skater Poodle Pool Frog Porcupine Possum Prawn Proboscis Monkey Puffer Fish Puffin Pug Puma Purple Emperor Puss Moth Pygmy Hippopotamus Pygmy Marmoset
  19. The Numbers Do Not Lie... 1) No known species of reindeer can fly, but there are 300,000 species of organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children (defined as persons under 18) in the world; However, since Santa doesn't appear to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload down to 15% of the original total, 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average census rate of 3.5 children per household, that's only 91.8 million homes. One presumes that there is at least one good child in each. 3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels East to West. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. That is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chiminey, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chiminey, get back into the sleigh, and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which we know to be false but will accept for the purpose of these calculations), we are talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus eating, etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run 15 miles per hour at the most. 4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-size set of Lego building blocks (about two pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer exist (see point 1), can fly very quickly (see point 2), and can pull ten times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine, reindeer. We would need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh, to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth 2. 5) 353,430 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This would heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they would burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within .00426 seconds. Santa, meanwhile, would be subjected to forces 17,500 times greater than normal gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion, if Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now...
  20. Just reported: CNN building evacuated due to another explosive device located there.
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