babysnake Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 HOMEMADE CHILI I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to **** yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!! Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-b*tch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left. Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastar*ds claim they're going to have to repaint the store. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wrebiejo Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 That is the funny thing I have read in a long time. Thanks babysnake for makin my day and studdage don't eat food made with "post mordum" animals. LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soldier Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 Most realist thread Ive read in months. Thanks, 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ready1 Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 I fell out my chair, still laughing!!!!Good stuff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mesha Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 OMG! LMAOOOOOO! I really needed that! Do you write for a living??? LOL! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lollie Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 Been there, done that !!!!Thank you for this funny, funny story Babysnake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deacon B Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 The tears I shed are puddling on the floor!! Funny.... creative.... worth framing!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysnake Posted February 26, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 thank ya'll very much -glad it made you smile Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Liberty Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 I'm laughing so hard I'm crying!!! Trying to laugh quietly though because my daughter is sleeping and I don't want to wake her up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
petie64 Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 I can not thank you enough. I know I don't want to go shopping with my husband after a night of my sister-in-law's chili. I am very sure is road kill. I know she puts enough hot sh#t to make the guy at the Mexican food place that we go to and he always says {Dont you have anything in this place that has any fire to it?} scream in pain, and ask for a gallon of milk. You made my night. I have been looking at this site for so long my eyes are crossed. Thank you Thank you Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
armondtoth Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 HOMEMADE CHILI I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to **** yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!! Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-b*tch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left. Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastar*ds claim they're going to have to repaint the store.All I can say is " Holy Crap is that funny" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machcobra Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 Priceless, I laughed my assss off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrparrot Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 Moments like these are few and far between.Years ago, when I worked for a GM dealership,I managed to clear the entire Parts Department.It was classic.People running out the doors.Our Dispatcher jumped over the counter to get tothe door faster.My punishment?After everyone was safely outside, they blockedthe doors so I couldn't get out.I must now tip my hat to you.An entire Home Depot?Wow.You are truly "The Master" and I bowto your excellence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruce Blackburn Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 You're Good!... Too Funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotReallyTex Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 That was pretty darn funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ryarbro Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 OMG soooo gross but yet, sooooooo funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neilg Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 Babysnake,thanks, that was extremely funny chit.u da chit man or did you have da chit man.either way chit was funny,i laughed all by myself.i bet u it was so bad that if you were at a supermarket,you would of made all the onions cry..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackdavis1364 Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 Thanks I needed that! I cannot remember when I have laughed so hard. That was the funniest post I have ever read. It doesn't matter if it is intel or rumor. Dat dere is funny. I don't care who you are! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaveH Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 :bow:you da man!!too funny....we are all humbled by your greatness ps i think it is the jalepenos Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danneedsrvnow Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 Holy crap....I don't laugh often, but that was one of the funniest things I have ever read!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chief V Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 Hilarious, I needed that!!! Thanks!!! Gotta git the flippin tears outta my eyes now...lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C_BOLT Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 WOW - I needed that - Thank you !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
valentine Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 Best nestory that iv'e head in a while , makes the waiting easier!!!hahahahahahh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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