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A husband, trying to be funny, says to his wife "I bet if you wash your clothes in slim fast you may lose a few inches from your butt!" The next morning he wakes up and pulls his underware out of the drawer. What is that he wonders as a cloud of white dust floats off his underwhere. He yells in the bathroom "Honey, why did you put talcomn powder in my underwear?" She says back "Its not talcomn powser dear, its miralcle grow!"

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Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anythin

I was in the public toilets and had just sat down,a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi !,how are you ?" Embarrassed,I said,"I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to? I said,"Just doing

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there''s a car going the wrong

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On a quiet weekday evening, a blonde calls up her boyfriend on the phone with a frantic voice, " Joey, I've been working on this puzzle of a tiger all day and I just don't get it. The puzzle pieces just don't seem to fit. I've tried and tried and I'm just so frustrated and I'm just really upset now!".

The boyfriend being the caring and consoling type, tries to talk his girl down, " Honey, just relax, I'll stop over and see if I can help you with it."

The boyfriend drives over, walks into the house and looks at the puzzle on the table.

After a minute, he puts his arms around his girl and says, " Baby, take a deep breath and relax, let's have a glass of wine and we'll put the corn flakes back in the box".

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The Husband lays dying, with his wife by his bedside...He says in a weak voice "There's something I must confess". "Shhh". said the wife, "There's nothing to confess. Everything is all right." "No" the husband replied "I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friends mom!" "I know," she whispered "That's why I poisoned you, now close your eyes.

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a 6th grade teacher say to the class if anyone can solve this problem you will get monday off school.she said there were two blackbirds on the roof a farmer came out and shoot one of the birds how many were left. little sally was the first to raise her hand .she said one.the teacher said right.then little johnny raised his hand and said wrong answer when the farmer shot the first bird the other flew away so there were none.the tearcher said wrong but i like your thinking.little johnny said teacher i have one for you. he proceeded three women sitting on a park bench one was biting a ice cream cone the 2nd lady was sucking on a icecream cone and the 3rd lady was licking a icecream cone which one was married? the teacher replied the one sucking the icecream cone.little johnny said wrong the one with the wedding ring on her finger but i like you thinking too!!!!

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money-tree-thumb.png

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner.

The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree (*money tree) , and the pig would eat the apples (*money) off the tree directly.

The farmer would move the pig from one (*money) apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.

The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment.

Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine.

Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the (*money) apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

pig-big-money.jpg

PIG_02.jpg

*changed to read as money

All in fun!! Of course.... lol

pigs_laughing_card-p137485476677965498qqld_400.jpg

-CBR

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THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion,

"If you want your breasts to grow, take a piece of toilet paper every day and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They’ll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them larger?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response ; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ......

"Got stoned once and screwed a parrot. I was just wondering if you're my kid."

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DOG FOR SALE:

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out,

and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so

I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job

at the airport to do some undercover security,

wandering near suspicious characters and

listening in. I uncovered some incredible

dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and

now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks

the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on

earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of

the yard'

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Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad.... After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS!

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An old Jewish couple in the United States had never visited Jerusalem. After years of hearing his wife nag about this, the husband agreed to travel with his wife to Jerusalem. Once they got there, the wife died while visiting the city. A Jewish rabbi gave the old man the opportunity to bury his wife in the city, but the old man refused. The rabbi explained to the old man that it would cost several thousands of dollars to ship his wife's remains back home, and that there was no better place to be buried than in the Holy City of Jerusalem. The old man still refused and the rabbi became very perplexed as to why the man didn't want to have his wife buried in the Holy City. He asked the old man what his reasoning was as to why he wouldn't bury his wife there. The old man replied: "I HEARD YOU BURIED A GUY AROUND 2000 YEARS AGO, AND THEN HE ROSE FROM THE DEAD. I'M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES!!

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Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. *The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded." *The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order" *The third surgeon shut them up when he said: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchang eable......

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A woman from Georgia had went to the big city and upon returning was talking to her best friend about the experience.

1st - Do you know, in the big city they have men that will lick other men on the private parts!?

2nd - They don't!

1st - Yes they do....

2nd - Well, What are they called?

1st - They call them "H o m o s e x u a l s"...

2nd - Well I'll be...

1st - Yes, and do you know in the big city, they have women that will lick other women on the private parts?!

2nd - They don't !?

1st - Yes they do....

2nd - Well, What are they called?

1st - They call them "L e s b i a ns"...

2nd - Well I'll be...

1st - Yes, and do you know in the big city, they have men that will lick other women on the private parts?!

2nd - They don't !

1st - Yes they do....

2nd - Well, What are they called?!

1st - Well, when I caught my breath, I called him PRECIOUS!!

(Use a Southern accent)

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Three women died together in an accident

And went to heaven.

When they got there, St. Peter said,

'We only have one rule here in heaven:

Don't step on the ducks!'

So they entered heaven, and sure enough,

There are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,

And although they tried their best to avoid them,

The first woman accidentally stepped on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says,

'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to

Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, The second woman stepped accidentally on a duck

And along comes St. Peter,

Who doesn't miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together

With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,

Not wanting to be chained

For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,

VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months

Without stepping on any ducks,

But One day St.Peter comes up to her ..

With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.

Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,

'I wonder what I did to deserve being

Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,

'I don't know about you,

But I stepped on a Duck.

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Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box… gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . . Bob has been missing since Friday

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The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used the government's strategy of giving you something shi#ty for free and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth.

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The man's wife just has a baby. The only problem is that out comes only a full blown head. The man is disappointed, but realizes it is still his child, so he goes ahead and raises it. On it's 21st birthday he takes it to the local bar and sets it up on the bar. He gives it a drink, and out pops arms. The patrons are amazed and shout in amazement. He gives it another drink and out pops a torso. The people are astonished. He gives it another drink and out pop it's legs and right before them is a handsome young man. The people are going crazy in the place. The whole new man is so happy he starts running around and runs outside and is killed instantly by a passing car that runs over him. The man is devastated and turns to the bartender and asks him what he should have done. The bartender looks at him and says, HE SHOULD HAVE QUIT WHILE HE WAS A HEAD.

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take any of okies posts, just pick one they are all jokes.

if not then maybe this one:

john's wife said to him tomorrow for my birthday i better have something sitting in the driveway that goes from 0 -300 in 5 seconds. if not you are in trouble.

so the next morning his wife wakes up and see a package in the driveway all wrapped up with a big red bow on it

she goes out and opens it up. inside it was a scale.

john is now off life support and is going to need extensive rehab.

Edited by nointel
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THE MAJIK FRUIT

.... ONE DAY A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR WITH A BAG OF FRUIT HE CALLED MAJIC AND SHOWED THA BARTENDER....

THE BARTENDER SAID WHATS SO MAJIC ABOUT YOUR FRUIT?.

THE GUY TOOK OUT A BANANA AND TOLD THE BARTENDE IT WILL TASTE LIKE AN APPLE...THE BARTENDER BIT INTO IT AND SAID" IT TASTES

LIKE A PEAR!" THE MAN SAID "TURN IT"...AND LOW AND BEHOLD IT DID TASTE LIKE AN APPLE..

THEN HE TOOK OUT AN ORANGE AND TOLD THE BARTENDER IT WILL TASTE LIKE A BANANA...

BARTEND BIT INTO IT AND SAID" IT TASTES LIKE A TOMATOE" THE BARTENDER SAID' TURN IT"

AND SURE ENOUGH IT TASTED LIKE A BANANA....

REALLY WOWED, THE MAN TOOK OUT AN ONION...HE SAID NOW THIS IS THE BEST ONE YET....

THIS MAJIC APPLE WILL TASTE LIKE PU$$Y.....

THE BARTENDE SAID WHAT THE HECK, I'LL TRY IT..

HE BIT INTO IT AND CHOKED , SPIT IT OUT AND SAID,, " THAT TASTES LIKE **** !!!"

THE MAN SMILED AND SAID..." TURN IT!!""

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BOUDREAUX AND THE IRS

The IRS decides to audit Boudreaux, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Boudreaux shows up with his attorney. The IRS had demanded $23,000 in taxes from Boudreaux due to unreported income.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Boudreaux. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Boudreaux says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Boudreaux removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's

jaw drops.

Boudreaux says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Boudreaux isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Boudreaux removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Boudreaux's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Boudreaux asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks

carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Boudreaux stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but

although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a

major loss into a huge win. But Boudreaux's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Boudreaux told me he'd been summoned to appear in person before the IRS, he bet me twenty-thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

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Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other, ...she takes a close look & says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir." Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly, "Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very very carefully. "Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"

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‎50ish woman is home, NAKED, happily jumping on her bed & squealing with delight. Husband watches & asks "Do u have any idea how ridiculous u look? What's the matter with u?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed & says, "I don't care what u think. I just had a mammogram, & the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year old." The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year-old ass?" She looks at him and says "Your name never came up"

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