Lighten up Folks...Read a joke and have a laugh

[bulldawg]

VERY… VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry her!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman

What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

Made her chain too long.

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married my 'Miss Right'.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% ...

it's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

[Nani?]

I refuse to laugh

[bamf1414]

I agree with JesusFreak, you are brave, but I would have to say I was laughing the whole time I was reading

[crnamiss]

Hey bulldawg, I am not going to nuke you! These were funny and I read them outloud in the operating room and we all just got a good laugh, thank

s

[Tiffany23]

I think they are wonderful! Love the one about the "waist". ha ha

[NotReallyTex]

OK I gotta keep this all fair and stuff.

Men Are Like

... Blenders.

You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

... Coffee.

The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

... Commercials.

You can't believe a word they say.

... Computers.

Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

... Coolers.

Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

... Government Bonds.

They take way too long to mature.

... Horoscopes.

They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

... Lava Lamps.

Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

... Mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

... Parking Spots.

The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

... Popcorn.

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Understanding Men

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."

Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."

Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."

Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."

Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."

Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

Because I am a Man

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

[Caducues]

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman

[dlbfilm]

Now that is just toooooooooooooooooo funny... Thanks for making me laugh....

[NotReallyTex]

The Mexican, The Arab And The Texas Cowgirl

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Texas cowgirl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab,obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (being Muslim), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink

with the same one twice either.'

The Texas cowgirl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, In Texas, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

And no I am NOT prejudiced against anyone

[hammy]

Nine words women use..

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are

right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more

minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,

and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing

usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement

often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an

idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing

with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman

can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard

before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just

say

you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F***_Y**

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement,

meaning

this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but

is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's

wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!

[NotReallyTex]

Hammy those are great and very truthful

[hammy]

Hammy those are great and very truthful

Thanks, Coming from a married man of 15 years.

[NotReallyTex]

Today The Forum Turned Into

Gotta see the humor in EVERYTHING

[Tiffany23]

Comebacks to Pickup Lines

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?v Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

[bamf1414]

We need a joke section in this forum to lighten everyones mood, these were great and now my kids are looking at me funny wondering why I am laughing so hard