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A young thug with his pants hanging half off his ass walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said,  "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing wel

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Smokey Mtn. Dinar Grand Master

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Ian Smith - The Pun Meister  
 
1. Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.
2. Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Huge mistake.
3. I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.
4. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
5. I tried to catch some fog today but I mist.
6. I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
7. Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.
8. Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.
9. Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst.
10. I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today, but she kept taking things literally.
11. I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.
12. A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore
13. Just got a job playing triangle in a reggae band. I stand at the back and ting.
14. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
15. My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
16. Just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.
17. I used to have a problem where I couldn’t stop naming classic American sitcoms, but I’m over it now. Happy Days.
18. My wife's working in a bowling alley.
Ten pin?
No, permanent.
19. Police just caught a man stealing 50 helium balloons. They had to let him go.
20. How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.
21. Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea.
22. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
23. I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.
24. Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
25. When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I put my foot down.
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Smokey Mtn. Dinar Grand Master

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She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some Help.
Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up,
driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.
He got off of his cycle and asked, if she needs help?
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick.
I've locked my keys in the car.
I must get home.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?
He said, Sure.
"He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You God, for sending me such a very nice man."
The Biker heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man.
I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God!
You even sent me a Professional!"
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