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Banned from Walmart


moose 57
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After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany... her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

I wonder if I'll have to go along on many more shopping trips?
 

 

 

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I have a hard copy of this from several years ago. It's damn funny.

 

We have a Wally-Mart here in Billings. I've embarassed, my wife with #s 9,11,12, & 16 was the straw that broke the camel's back (nobody passed out). A few raised eyebrows, quickly turned heads & a gasp, that's all.

 

All she says is . . . " he's off his meds". I go to far sometimes, can't be helped. There's to much crap in the world. Makes people jump off bridges or rampage thru society causing hate & discontent.

Sometimes ya gotta cut loose, get creative & go for the laff.

 

My sarcasim gets me in hot water at times. . . hey, it's what I does. That's how I'm wired.

 

God Bless her, my wife has to be on her toes when we shop together. I was born without the "Shopping Gene"

 

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Moose... I can see right thru ya's.... you just wanted to go fishin' in the first place... ;) ...now the wife in order to ensure a peaceful shopping trip will be happy to send you out to the lake instead!!!   Attaboy!!!  :lmao: 



I tried #16 in a confessional.

I think 600 Hail Marys was a little harsh.

I agree magawatt.... it shoulda at least been 300 "Our Father's" and 300 Hail Mary's to make it even!!!  :rolleyes: 

 

Bad boy... bad, bad boy... just my kinda guy!!!  :lol:  

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