Old Jokes

[Qman]

We’ll all be there before we know it.

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

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One more.. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[trabby]

Thanks for the laughs!

[Man_Kind]

A Captain of a ship walks into a bar with the steering wheel of the ship hanging

from his privates and the bar tender yells out, I captain did you know you have a

steering wheel from your ship hanging from your privates.

The Captain replies, arrrrrrrrg , yes my friend...............It's driving me nuts !!!

[mariejose]

QMAN THANK YOU FOR THE JOKES--- GOD BLESS YOU FOR YOUR WONDERFUL CONTRIBUTION TO THIS SITE!

[Qman]

QMAN THANK YOU FOR THE JOKES--- GOD BLESS YOU FOR YOUR WONDERFUL CONTRIBUTION TO THIS SITE!

Your welcome, a few on another site do not like some of them, so if they keep B^$#*& I am going to stop going there.

[bamf1414]

Your welcome, a few on another site do not like some of them, so if they keep B^$#*& I am going to stop going there.

people are getting too caught up in this investment, I thought the jokes were great, thanks for helping to relax everyone on our journey

[kyvet47]

A skelton goes into a bar, sits down and tells the bartender he wants a beer and a mop........................

[MCME]

A woman test driving a new vehicle was commenting how comfortable the seats were and the salesman

replied that was because they had been designed to retain heat in the winter and provide cooling in

the summer.

The woman's response was that the vehicle must have been built by non union labor.

The salesman then asked why she would say that.

"Because if it was assembled by union labor, the seats would blow smoke up your ass all year around."

One more below...

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh*t inside!"

Those are 2 of my favorites this year,

McMike

[PhillyDinar]

wifey returns home from shopping one after noon and walks into the kitchen to unload some groceries when she see's her husband sitting at the kitchen table enjoying a sandwich and a cold beer. the wife says to the husband, you know dear, because of the economy being so crappy and we havent been getting so many hours at work i think we really need to look at our spending an cut back a little bit.... now i know you like to have a few beers to unwind after work but do you think you could stop buying beer just for a few months until we can get our bills straightened back out?..

sure honey, the husband replied as he finished the last bite of his sandwich to help his wife unpack..

later on that night as the husband goes into the bath rm to take the browns to the super bowl, he notices a bunch of new make up items sitting on the sink, when he asks his wife why she bought all that stuff when she was just telling him they needed to cut back, the wife replied.. yes i know honey but it was only 30 bucks, besides i want to look sexy for you!...

to which the husband replied... thats what the beers for!!