Thursday Morning Jokes!! Rated PG

[Bumper64]

Mother: "Johnny I'm sorry I slept with someone that is not your dad 23 years ago. And that person is your real father."

Johnny: "Mum, what rubbish! How could you! How am I to deal with this?! You should be hanged!"

Mother: "I am sorry baby, he was my first love and i could not marry him... Cause we are of different religion. He is on the phone at the moment and wants to speak with his son for the first time ever."

Johnny: "No I am speaking to no one. Mr Jackson Omollo is the only father I know and that will never change!"

Mother: "Please don't be so upset. Just talk to him."

Johnny: "Ok, I will give him a piece of my mind!"

Phone: "Morning Son, I am Bill Gates. I am your real father."

Johnny: "Dad! Dad!! Dad!!! Thank God! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Thank God!!!!!! I Love you so much Dad!!!!! I always knew there was something special about me."

 

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A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes---that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better?"

The woman said, "That would be o.k.," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be o.k. because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM, she's the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be o.k. because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM, she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a MILD heart attack."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are very clever. Don't screw with them.

 

 

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RATED PG

 

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me….It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was always bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, ‘I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.’

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo… And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, ‘We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family.’
The moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car!

 

 

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A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

 

 

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A blonde woman is invited for dinner at her cousins house and as they only live a few blocks apart the blonde lady has walked there.

 

As the blonde is getting ready to leave it starts pouring with rain.

 

The cousin has had a few too many drinks at dinner so says to her blonde cousin "why not just sleep the night here and you can head home tomorrow when it's stopped raining or I can run you home as I'll be sober then"

The blonde agrees so her cousin goes to get some blankets.

 

When she comes back with the blankets she can't find the blonde anywhere.

 

Half an hour later there's a knock at the door.

 

It's the blonde, completely drenched.

 

The cousin says "What are you doing ? Where have you been in the rain I thought you were going to sleep over?" "Yes I am " says the blonde "but I had to go home to get my pajamas"

 

 

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Blonde tries to repair her car

 

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents.

She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4000 to repair.

She said that was too much and wasn't there some other way to fix it?

The body man decided to have a little fun and said "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out!"

She decided to give it a try before spending that much money.

 

So she drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.

"What are you doing!" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car" explained the first blonde.

"Well silly, it's not going to work" replied her neighbor.

"Why not"? asked the first blonde.

"Because you've got to roll up the windows first"

 

 

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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.....I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started". 

 

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" 

 

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." 

 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger". 

 

He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[Bumper64]

I love the blonde jokes :)

[EagleEye]

Bumper truly laughter doeth good like a medicine...thanks for my daily dose LOL LOL

[Kaduku]

These are just so funny, thanks Bump!

[Bumper64]

Your welcome!

[Slaydadea]

I love the blonde jokes :)

 

I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

[Bumper64]

Now that is FUNNY!!