Christmas with Louise

[smee2]

In 1999 the Louisville Sentinel had a contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize :

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace

before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What

they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every

Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowing, his poor

pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and

went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at

Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been

in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an

hour saying things like "What does this do?" and "You're kidding me!" and "Who would

buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a

standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my

truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different

models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do

things I'd only seen in a book on animal hsubandry. I settled for "Lovable

Louise". She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll"

took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning

hours, long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling pantyhose

with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank

what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. Then I went home and giggled

for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house

and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog

confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some

more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest

of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional

Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the

hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll".

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several

candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny

continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran" Jay said, trying to

steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she

have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was

Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying

"Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and

said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's

friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel talking to

Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we

realized that this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who

was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that

sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she

lurched from the pantyhose, flew aroung the room twice, and fell in a heap

in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my

nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began

administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his

chair and wet his pants, and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of

the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and

remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide

the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from

a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fontunately, thanks to a wonder

drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her.

[mws]

I thought that was kind of funny. Gave you a +1 to even it out.

[rope]

Smee2, do you hang out with Qman?

[smee2]

I thought that was kind of funny. Gave you a +1 to even it out.

Thanks ... I didn't even see the minus ... someone gave me a minus? ... for this? ... huh? ...

Compared to a lot of stuff I read here this is pablum .... hahahaha ... well I guess for every angel and every martyr there's at least one grinch!

Sure hope more people enjoy ... it gets rave reviews every Christmas and I have email friends asking for it when they cannot find their copy to send. Still shaking my head over this one ... oh well. Won't let it be a big thing.

smee2

Smee2, do you hang out with Qman?

Nope ... should I?

xmee2