Joke Time

[GTO]

I can help out with a few jokes also that I am always getting through my email. lol

Welcome to Texas!

May 4

Just moved to Texas! Now this is a state that knows how to live!!

Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!

It is beautiful here. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th

Really heating up. It got to 100

[GTO]

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.... and saw the funeral guy was evidently gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left.... and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down.. The vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep. They wept; I wept; we all wept together... When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, " I never seen nothin' like that before.... and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.."

[GTO]

Subject: Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow morning, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

[GTO]

Good Night, Good Bye

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."

The father said, "Why did you say good-bye to Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this -- "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.

My goodness, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the Dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."

[GTO]

Best Divorce Letter Ever

Dear wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been ****. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your Ex-Husband. P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband, nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and gripping. Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was ‘you look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich as **** and Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem!!!

[GTO]

20-year old Cajun purchases a mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Louisiana all his life, a 20-year old Cajun decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his

daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly old hag he's runnin' around with."

[GTO]

Grandpa's IRS Audit

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration? '

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

[GTO]

The Power of a Badge

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs. "The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "

[GTO]

The Blind Salesman

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her

grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just

grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and

reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the

counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404

reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around

combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound

of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse,

her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is

really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the

blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't

know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me

the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call

is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50

[Shenanigan]

These are some great jokes...Had me laughing

[hungry4dinar]

Hahaha these are so good. Thanks for the laugh!

[eddie b]

your mommas so stupid she traded her car for gas lol

[joncyrus]

lot of funny jokes listed.. thanks..

[dogman]

She was going to hit on or your dog.

[Dreamin]

very funny

[memrfixitok]

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it

I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

[memrfixitok]

He said to me . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

[memrfixitok]

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

[memrfixitok]

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

I said to him .. . They don't have time

[memrfixitok]

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.

[memrfixitok]

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

[memrfixitok]

He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

I said. . . A widow.

[memrfixitok]

He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[john1025]

LMAO, so funny, thanks a million!