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2000th Post Wins!


cisole
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A man was in a locker room,

changing after playing golf.

Suddenly, a phone rang.

He put it on speaker for

the rest of the guys to hear.

...

"Hey hun!" A woman said.

"Hey babe." The man said.

"Oh my gosh, I just found this beautiful leather jacket... but it was 200 bucks... can I get it?"

The man replied, "Of course baby! Anything for you."

"Thanks! And by the way, I passed the dealership and saw the car we want, but its 20,000 dollars."

"Oh, who cares! Get it with all the options and features!" The man replied.

"Really! Oh, and lastly, the house we wanted is back on the market... the asking price is 750,000, and they expect it'll go fast." She said.

"Okay then offer 900,000- we'll be sure to get it then!"

"Ok! Great hun. I gotta go. I love you! Byee!"

"Bye." He shut the phone.

Every man in the locker room looked at him in disbelief.

Then the man said....

"Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

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Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of

frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible

for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that

he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen

if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to

announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in

New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

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When girls don't put out!!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all

dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.

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The Camel

A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour, "What's the camel for?". The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

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G'day mate ... talk tomorrow

Italian Spelling

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following; "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

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Sweatshirts

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

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This burglar is breaking into some house at night. Sneaking around he suddenly hears: "Jesus is watching you!". The burglar is shocked, ducks down, remains silent for a while, but nothing happens. After a minute or so he decides to continue his search for the jewelery, so he gets up again. Again he hears, but a little louder and more like a warning: "Jesus is still watching you!". "Good heavens!" he thinks, "What's going on here?". He still doesn't dare to use his torch though. Silently he strafes backward and again -and really loud this time-: "Jesus is *really* watching you!". Ok, this guy is almost getting a heart attack and switches on his Maglite. After a little looking around he detects this parrot.

Burglar: "A parrot?"

Parrot: "Yes, that's me!"

Burglar: "You can talk pretty well"

Parrot: "Yes, I'm already 50 years of age"

Burglar: "Phew that's not bad! You live here?"

Parrot: "Yep!"

Burglar: "Gosh I really thought something weird was going on here! What's your name?"

Parrot: "Henry"

Burglar: "Henry? That's a weird name for a parrot?"

Parrot: "Not as weird as 'Jesus' for a rottweliler!"

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Hey Cisole, does this work?

After great sex, she lies there stroking him gently.

He asks: Do you want more sex?

She says: No. Just admiring your privates. I used to have one just like it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

:lol: :lol:

Hi guys, YES I DO LOVE YOU ALL. This reminds me one of my friends had a dream last night that this was mack.:lol: Sorry i am late to drop by.....needed sleep.

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Remember: Inside every older person is a young person wondering what the hell happened.

SUNDAY MORNING SEX

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

------------------------------------------------------------

GROWING WILD

An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it.

"Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."

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Hey .. The Boopster finally decided to show up ... everyone thought you and Mack were out on the town together due to your conspicuous absences.

Hi BJ! :wub: Mack :wub: is lying here exhausted....i finally wore him out.........funny cause he didn't have any connection probmes with me .........post went up no probs............well up.:wub:

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I'm sure with your gentle care ... he'll be back to his ole self tomorrow.

As for me .. 'tis almost 2am .. I'm packing it in ... I'm starting to droop .. er .. I mean .. MY EYES are starting to droop.

------------------------------

GOT MILK?

A woman and a baby waited in the doctor's examining room, waiting for him to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and commented the baby wasn't gaining enough weight. He then asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast fed," the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.

He pressed, kneaded, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma ... but I'm glad I came."

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night, sweet dream :wub:

Thanks ... Here's one more before I go ...

IN THE BARNYARD

A farmer bought a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. He put the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business.

The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and let the young to take over, so take a hike." The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon. Just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?"

The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you." They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken go cluck "Go!" and the old rooster took off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about five inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! He shoots the young rooster. He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife...

"Son of a gun ... third *** rooster I bought this week!"

Edited by BJinMontreal
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Language Warning:

9fnllk.jpg

Dog For Sale

Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Name is Jethro.

Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers,

thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

Most of them knew Jethro only by his Asian-street-name, Ho Lee Schitt.

*

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News release just in from the NASA. They are proud to announce the UARS satellite is going to re-enter the earth's atmosphere sometime in the next 24 hours....give or take a day. Also, there is no cause for alarm as the scientific team tracking this event has calculated the there is a 70% chance the burning, screaming debis will crash into the "ocean." This leaves the other 30% of the planet, mostly "land," in the lower risk bracket.

(And we actually made it to the Moon and Mars?)

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