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A Blind man walks into a bar and walks up to the bartender and orders a beer. He says to the bartender “hey, you want to hear a good blond joke?” The bartender says… “I know you are blind and I think I should tell you, I’m a blond”. The guys pauses and says “that’s ok” and starts to tell the joke. The bartender getting a little agitated says “before you continue you should know the lady sitting next to you is a blond also”. The guy pauses a little longer this time, he says, “that’s ok”, and continues on with the joke. The bartender interrupts him again and this time very upset says “hey….the girl at the end of the bar is blond too, are you sure you really want to tell this joke?” Finally the blind guy finished his beer and gets up to leave says “no, that’s ok I don’t want to have to explain it 3 times.”

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Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anythin

I was in the public toilets and had just sat down,a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi !,how are you ?" Embarrassed,I said,"I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to? I said,"Just doing

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there''s a car going the wrong

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Who doesn't love the Marines.

The train was quite crowded and a very tired U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My precious little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bXXch out the window.

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The preacher had been preaching for about two hours when he took the text from the apostle paul, and said to the congregation : shipwrecked imprisoned, snake bit, what are we going to do for paul what are we going to do for paul, with that the older blue haired lady sitting on the front row said he can have my seat I am goiing home.

The southern preacher went to the inner city of new york to hold a revival, he told the host pastor please make sure the doors are open when I start preaching, the host pastor said you dont want that, which the evangelist replied yes i do. So when the preaching started the evangelist said

open them doors open them wide let all them sinners come inside

so the ushers opened the doors about that time a brick came flying through the doors and hit the evangelist in the forehead at which he said

close them door and close them quick one of them sinners done thrown a brick. .........

Edited by dinar newbie
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An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

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All right....

Did you hear about the blond that studied for 3 weeks to learn all the capitals of the United States?

Her boss asked if she knew EVERYONE and she said "YES". He then asked if he could test her and she said sure so he said, "alright, what's the capital of Wyoming?" and she said " That's an easy one......

Ya ready?

She said: "It's "W" !!!!!!!

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An AA (alcoholics anon) joke I have always found funny...

A long time AA member named Joe R has lived to a very old age and one morning God appears to him, as Joe lies in bed.

Joe: What have you come for God?

God: Well Joe, I've come with some good news and some bad new, what do you want first?

Joe (being an optimist): I like to start the morning with good news

God: I have come to tell you that we have AA meetings in heaven

Joe: Alright - that's great! So what's the bad news?

God: You're chairing tonights meeting....

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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.

they'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

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Barack Obama wakes up one night, there is George Washington's ghost!

He asks , " George how can I help this country?"

Washington replies, "Be honest with the people like I was!"

Obama goes back to sleep and awakes again.

This time it's Thomas Jefferson's ghost! He says "Tom how can I help this country?"

Jefferson says, "Love the constitution like I did!"

Waking up again there is Abe Lincoln's ghost,

he says "Abe how can I help this country?"Abe replies, "Go see a play."

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In India Mustaffa was applying for a call center job.

The Manager comes in and says, "Okay, you have passed all the tests. Now you only have to answer one question."

"Okay." Mustaffa says, "What is the question?"

"Okay" says the Manager. "Use the words Green, Pink, and Yellow in a sentence."

Mustaffa thinks a moment then replies, "Okay, I have the answer."

"Okay", the Manager says, "What is the answer?"

Mustaffa says, "When the phone says 'Green, Green'...I 'Pink' it up and say 'Yellow' this is Mustaffa.

"Okay....You got the job." Replies the Manager.

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The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, a bright Navajo Indian boy who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good”, said the teacher!

Who said, "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Little Johnny, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed, Little Johnny knows more about history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up, "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that!?"

Again, Little Johnny says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we’re screwed!"

Little Johnny quietly said, "The American people, November 4, 2008."

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"Raise the debt ceiling!!! ????

Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a ***** house and selling whiskey?!"

"What the Hell are we thinking"

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Authorities have stopped a terrorist attempt by a radical muslim who was going to use a bomb on a boat to blow up one of our countries largest Dams. The investigators beleive that this is the end of the "ram-a dam" attempts.

Now come on !! you know you are laughing !!!! :P

Edited by Kittykins
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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh*t but me."

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Cows & Politics Explained

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.


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ok cleanest one i could think of

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was ***, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

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A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750 in cash." The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "oh my granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, her granny whispered,Facebook

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There was a farmer with three female pigs that he did not know what to do with, so he decided to take them to the Fair and sell them. While there he ran into another farmer with three male pigs. The farmer with the three female pigs said, "hey, I know what we could do...we could meet everyday halfway from each other and put my female pigs with your male pigs out in that large field and let them mate and then we could share the offspring. They agreed. The next day the farmer put his female pigs in his station wagon and put them out in the field with the male pigs, but the farmer asked, "well how will I know if they become impregnated?"

The other Farmer said, "well, in the morning when you get up...look out your window and if they are rolling in the mud, it didn't take, and if they are rolling in the grass, that means that it took. So everyday for weeks the Farmer would look out the window to see his pigs rolling in the mud...he would put them in the station wagon drive them down to the field and try again...

Well the next morning he asked his wife, "honey, I'm to tired to get up...would you do me a favor and look out the window and tell me if those pigs are rolling in the mud or are they rolling in the grass?

She said, Neither...they are in the station wagon, and one of them is honking the horn"

Now that's a good piggy joke

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Sense of Freshness....

A while ago a new supermarket opened in Arkansas...It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

Texx B)

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