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Funniest joke wins!


cisole
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Chuck is a truck driver. He drives along God's highway and sings his song "My name is Chuck Chuck Chuck, I drive a truck truck truck" (Etc).

One day, he sees a pretty young nun hitchhiking.

He picks her up.

And Chuck is curious. "Why is a nun hitchhiking?" he says.

The nun: "Sometimes I simply have to get away from the convent. Just to live a little..."

Chuck: "Do you...go and paint the town? But...surely...you won't...."

Nun: "No no, good Chuck. We can not have sex. The mother superior always checks if we're still a virgin."

So Chuck - smart as he is - suggests that there is always "the backdoor".

Now the nun is intrigued and actually wants to have a go.

So, Chuck stops the truck and has his way with the nun who is utterly pleased with the action.

Not much later, Chuck is trucking on.... And he's getting happier by the mile. And starts his anthem:

"My name is Chuck Chuck Chuck and I truck truck truck"

And the nun joins in:

" And I am John John John, dressed up as nun nun nun...."

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Post a funny joke, the funniest wins a pink piggy item of their choice!

PRIZES ARE HERE: http://iqd.me/l/pigstuff (Yes those are real and legal USPS stamps!)

Ok, this contest is plain and simple.

You may only post one joke.

How will it be judged you ask? Even more simple.

At the end of the contest, the joke with the most +'s wins!

The contest will end on 8-31-11 @ at the stroke of Midnight (EST).

Good luck to all and let the contest BEGIN!!!!

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In slavery days there was this black horse trainer. He was the best around. He could make a horse sit, roll over you name it, he could do it but he had one problem he liked white women. So one day, the Klan was about to hang him. One klan member asked him if he had any last wishes. He said "yes, I would like to speak to my horse". He whispered in the horses ear. Then the horse took off running. So they began to go ahead with the hanging. Right before they were ready to hang him. His horse come running back with a beautiful white woman on his back with a night gown on. The black guy bagan to curse at the horse. He said "you stupid S.O.B, you dumb M.F". Then a Klan member said,"woo woo Boy, Mind the lady. Why are you so mad at the horse when he got you what you asked for". Then the black guy replied " I told that dumb S.O.B to go get the possy and he done went and got the p*ssy".

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There was a farmer with three female pigs that he did not know what to do with, so he decided to take them to the Fair and sell them. While there he ran into another farmer with three male pigs. The farmer with the three female pigs said, "hey, I know what we could do...we could meet everyday halfway from each other and put my female pigs with your male pigs out in that large field and let them mate and then we could share the offspring. They agreed. The next day the farmer put his female pigs in his station wagon and put them out in the field with the male pigs, but the farmer asked, "well how will I know if they become impregnated?"

The other Farmer said, "well, in the morning when you get up...look out your window and if they are rolling in the mud, it didn't take, and if they are rolling in the grass, that means that it took. So everyday for weeks the Farmer would look out the window to see his pigs rolling in the mud...he would put them in the station wagon drive them down to the field and try again...

Well the next morning he asked his wife, "honey, I'm to tired to get up...would you do me a favor and look out the window and tell me if those pigs are rolling in the mud or are they rolling in the grass?

She said, Neither...they are in the station wagon, and one of them is honking the horn" :o

Now that's a good piggy joke

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My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,

play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in

my mind for the next few hours: ‘Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of

the medicine cabinet.’

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of

those ‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the

strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and

press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right

off.

No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am

mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each

other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks

in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (‘Cold

wax,’ yeah…right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin

around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward

body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I

sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting

championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side

of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching

down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself….RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the

strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and

spotted.

I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious. Do I

hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused

me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in

the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There’s no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see

the hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not! I touch.

I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now

covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG

mistake…remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I

need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and

think to myself ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may

pop off!’ What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand

into the

bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax

should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to

torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued

together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of

the tub…in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented

myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few

months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some

secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter

‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!’

There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal

but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly

where the wax is located, ‘Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?’

She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown

and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night. While we

go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off

with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies

covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and

then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working,

dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need

Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving

grace…. the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out

of my friend. It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care. ‘IT WORKS!!

It works !!’ I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs

up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to

my grief and despair…. THE HAIR IS STILL THERE…ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing

hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try hair color……

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One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

16 years later

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."

So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "****, ten-HUT!"

And with that, his **** sprang to full erection. Then he said, "****, at EASE!"

And his **** deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "****, ten-HUT!"

And the **** sprang to life. Then it was "****, at EASE!"

But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "****, at EASE!"

But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-*****, I said AT EASE!!"

Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.

The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-***** a dishonorable discharge!"

Edited by sandraed1963
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There was a guy who had a pet rooster, He took the rooster every where with him. One day he decided to go to the movies, he had the pet rooster on his shoulder, he walked up to pay. The clerk said to him sorry sir no pets aloud, the guy says but I take my pet rooster with me every where I go, I got to have him.. The clerk said NO PETS ALOUD, So the guy went around the corner and stuffed the rooster in his pants, He walked up behind a couple paid and went and set down... About half way thru the movie, a lady sitting next to her husband said honey the man sitting next to me has his pants unzipped, the husband replied, oh babe if you seen one you've seen them all, The wife replied no this darn thing is eating my popcorn...

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A moth goes into a podiatrist's office and the podiatrist says "Can I help you?" The moth says "I've been feeling really depressed lately and am seriously thinking about committing suicide." The doctor says "You know I am a podiatrist I think you really should see a psychiatrist.....why did you come to see me?" The moth says "Well you light was on."

Edited by OnTheHorizon
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Timing is everything- so save this joke for when a friend is taking a long draw on a cold beer.

Two guys strolling down the sidewalk. As they approach a dog sitting in a yard, the dog twists around and starts licking its testicles. “Man, I wish I could do that” one guy says. “You’d better pet him first” said the other.

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FOR HIS BIRTHDAY, LITTLE JOSEPH ASKED FOR A 10-SPEED BICYCLE....

HIS FATHER SAID, SON, WE'D GIVE YOU ONE, BUT THE MORTGAGE

ON THIS HOUSE IS $280,000 , AND YOUR MOTHER JUST LOST HER JOB,

THERE IS MO WAY WE CAN AFFORD IT. THE NEXT DAY THE FATHER

SAW LITTLE JOSEPH HEADING OUT THE FRONT DOOR WITH A SUITCASE.

SO HE ASKED, SON, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? LITTLE JOSEPH TOLD HIM;

I WAS WALKING PAST YOUR ROOM LAST NIGHT AND HEARD YOU TELLING

MOM YOU WERE PULLING OUT, THEN I HEARD HER TELL YOU TO WAIT

BECAUSE SHE WAS COMING TOO. AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M STAYING

HERE BY MYSELF WITH A $280,000. MORTGAGE AND NO #@?+<<%# BIKE!

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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.

Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's President Obama's clock?' asked the man.

Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

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A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.' He replied 'Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.......[/b] :lol:

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We all remember President Bill Clinton, right? Well one winter day president Clinton was walking up to the white house when he noticed someone had pissed in the snowbank " Bill Sucks!" President Clinton was furious! He got his FBI director and told him he didn't care what it costs, just find who did this.

Two weeks later his FBI director comes in and says Mr. President I have good news and bad news. Clinton says well tell me the good news first.

The FBI director says the good news is we have found who pissed in the snow, it's your vice president Al Gore. President Clinton asks how the hell can that be good news?

The FBI director responds, sir the bad news is it's Hillarious's hand writing!ohmy.gif

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A hippie if you will was out walking down a dirt road when he noticed a large group of people in the river, curious he walked over to them finding a Baptism was going on. The pastor says to him, sir would you like to be Baptised. The hippie says sure why not. So when it was his turn the pastor takes him out into the water holds his head puts him in the water then brings him up. The pastor says DID YOU SEE JESUS? The hippie says no sir. So the the pastor does it again and says again, DID YOU SEE JESUS? The answer was no again. So for the third time the pastor takes him under the water again, brings him up and says again, DID YOU SEE JESUS? The hippie say's to the pastor, ARE YOU SURE HE WENT DOWN HERE?

Edited by machcobra
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CONFUCIUS did NOT say...

Man, who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired; man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Finally...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

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You know its pretty UNCOOL that I'm getting negatives for posting a joke. Cool if you dont like it , was trying to post something clean and relate to the dinar world here. I'll say honestly, theres alot more funny than mine posted. But giving me marks to go below zero? I wish I could see who did it . Its very poor sportsmanship imo .

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As the evening ended, the Police were patiently waiting outside the bar for the drunks to leave. Suddenly, an obvious drunk stumbled out into the parking lot moving from car to car to see if his keys fit. All the while others were leaving but the Police were waiting on him to find his car so they could arrest him for drunk driving. Finally, he finds his car and gets in. The Police speed into the parking lot and drag the guy out of the car to start all of their testing. Surprisingly, the guy passes all of their tests and they were dumb founded. They ask the guy how in hell did you pass all of these tests. Then the guy says, I was the designated decoy. :lol:

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A couple of friends were playing golf together one afternoon when one noticed that the other had been standing over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed like an eternity. The man adjusted his position. looked up, looked down and then adjusted his position again. Finally his exasperated partner asked, ""what in the world is taking you so long?"

"My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony," the man explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

"You're wasting your time," his friend replied. "You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here."

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A Missouri farmer goes over to his neighbors and knocks on the door. A young man about 9 answers the door and the farmer, ask the young man if his father was there. He said No he went to town. The farmer asks well is your mom home? He says NO she went with pop to town. The farmer is kind of set back and says , wellll is your brother Howard home, (as he really doesn't want to convey why he came to the young boy) . The young boy says NO he went to town also. Then the young man says can I give my pa a message. The farmer thinks for a minute and says well I need to talk to him about Howard getting my daughter pregnant. OHH the young man says , well I know he get $100. for the bull, and $50. for the boer. But I dont how much it costs for Howard to do it. :(:angry::lol:

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icon11.png

Awareness and surroundings

I was in Dunkin Donuts recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.

The music was really, really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…

And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod…

and how was your day?

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Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

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