Funniest joke wins!

[dog53]

In the dead of summer, a fly is resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly, who says to no one in particular, "Gosh, if I move down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There is a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh, if that fly comes down three inches I can eat him."

There is a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches the fish will jump for the fly and I will eat him."

It also happens that there is a hunter further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thinks, "if that fly moves down three inches and the fish leaps for it, that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish, I'll shoot him then sit down and enjoy my lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of one lake, but there is also a wee mouse hiding by the hunter's foot. The mouse is thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three

inches, and that fish jumps for that fly and the bear grabs the fish, this dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes takes in this entire scene and thinks, "Gosh, if that fly moves down three inches, and the fish jumps for that fly, and the bear grabs the fish, and the hunter shoots that bear, and the mouse bites into that cheese sandwich, then I'll have a nice fat mouse for my lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and dry that he heads down into the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly .... the bear grabs the fish... the hunter shoots the bear .... the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... the cat jumps for the mouse .... the mouse ducks .... and the cat falls into the water and drowns.

The Moral of this story is:

Fly goes down three inches, pu$$y gets wet

[FlintNPebbles]

Capt Jack....I read that a few years ago and just about peed my pants laughing so hard. Thanks for posting it

[average joe]

ok old farmer in bed with his wife reached under her night gown and sqeeze her breast and said get milk out those

we could get rid of the cows she turned over he rached under again sqeezed her butt and said get eggs outof that and we could

get rid of the chickens she got mad and turned over he reached out for her again and all of a sudden she reached

under the cover and grabed him and said get evrything in working order we get rid of your brother

[Tiffani929]

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.

"Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road. Instinctively he swerved to hit him.

At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the lawyer.

Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

[ZigsQuote]

Blind Guy with a seeing eye dog walks into a department store.

He grabs the dogs tail and starts swinging him around and around.

A clerk finally approaches the man and says "May I help you?"

The blind guy says, "No... Just looking."

[genx4me]

The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is..

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the b***s to pull the trigger."

Don't you just LOVE lawyers?! Brings tears to your eyes!

[rope]

WHEN TO START CUSSING!

A6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 yearold asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we startedcussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 yearold continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonnasay something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into thekitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, hereplies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother inhot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.. His mom locks him inhis room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks witha stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet yourfat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[lvg_lvs]

Ok. I have a really gross joke for everyone

144

Not thats funny

[Soledad]

Glad to be drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

Edited August 30, 2011 by Soledad

[Francie26]

I’ve tried in a limited way to include the southern accent in this. You may, however, need to fill in for my failings as a southern accent writer. LOL

A mature southern belle went to New York City unescorted for the first time. When she went home, she and some of her friends were sittin’ on her veranda sippin’ iced tea, when one of them said, “Ma' deah, please tell us about New Yoak City.” Our southern belle thought pensively for a moment and then answered, “Did ya’ know? In New Yoak City, they’ah men who make love to men? . . . And they call them homo . . . sexuals.” Gentle twitters were heard around the circle. Dropping her voice further, our southern belle continued, “And did ya’ know? In New Yoak City, they’ah women who make love to women? . . . And they call them les bins.” More gasps, this time with quiet nervous giggles. In a hushed voice, our belle continued, “And did ya’ know? In New Yoak City, they’ah men who kiss women on they‘ah private pahts?” Shock registered around the table, along with a stunned silence. Aghast, one of the friends recovered slightly, threw her hand against her heart, and in a shaken voice, asked, “Well, what do they call them?” With a dreamy look on her face, out genteel southern belle smiled benignly and said, “Ma' deah!! When ah’ caught ma’ breath, ah’ called him precious.”

[Heinzy444]

Farmer Joe Walks into the house from the field. His wife Ethel is cleaning the oven, he taps her on the butt and says "Ethel, you're butt is getting as big as a Combine".

Later that night, farmer Joe is feeling frisky and starts rubbing Ethel's butt in bed, She turns to him and says "If you think I'm starting up my $100,000 Combine for Half a Cob of Corn you're F&8% Crazy"

[crackerman58]

A proud mother and father put their son on the bus for his first day of school. When the father came home he asked his wife how was Juniors first day?

You better ask him about it she said, he is out back on the swing set.

Hey Junior, how was your first day at school he asked, Junior replied It was pretty good dad, I even got laid!

The father was amazed that his boy got laid on his first day of school and made it a point to brag to all his co-workers about it. When hecame home the second day he asked his wife about their sons day and she said you better ask him, he is upstairs in his room lying down.

Well, Junior… did you get laid again today he asks.

No dad, my butt still hurts from yesterday !!!

"Lord, I apologize for makin' the joke... be with the starvin' pygmies down there in New Guinea, amen."

Edited August 30, 2011 by crackerman58

[sfredieu]

There was a kid walking down the street when an old man sitting on the porch noticed the kid had a roll of duct tape in his hand,the old man asked the kid hey sonny where are you going with that roll of duct tape? The kid responded I am going to catch some ducks.the old man said you can't catch ducks with duct tape.sure I can the kid said.three hours later the kid comes back with a dozen of ducks.the old man scratches his head in awe.so the next day the old man is sitting out on the porch again and about the same time comes this kid again ,but this time he has chicken wire,the old man asked the kid hey sonny where are you going with that chicken wire ? The kid respond again ,I am going to catch me some chickens.the old man said son you can't catch chickens with chicken wire you just can't do it son.sure I can said the kid.three hours later the kid comes walking buy with a dozen of chickens.the old man said how in the heck is he doing that,So the next day the old man waits for the boy,and sure as heck same time here comes the boy son what is that in your hand it is a ***** willow the old man respond, hold on I am getting my coat I'm going with you.

[Heinzy444]

Siss Boom Bah .... The sound of an exploding sheep.

Edited August 30, 2011 by Heinzy444

[Heinzy444]

A couple, back from a date and a lttle tipsy, head quickly to the bedroom - they rip off each others clothes, and start making love. He is on top and notices, as he does his thing, that her toes repeatedly curl up towards the head board - strange he thought. After an hour of passionate love making and a slight return to soberism he realized he had forgotten to take her panty hose off.

Edited August 30, 2011 by Heinzy444

[reconajm]

So, this newborn baby was unfortunately born with no eyelids. Sad thing. Well with the great advances in modern medicine, there was one doctor that knew he could help the little one out. He suggested that he take the piece of loose skin from the circumcision and graft it on to where the eyelids should have been. Surgery goes well and parents are happy. They go in for a check-up a couple of years later. Doc asks how everything is going. Mom says everything is Great. She says there is one small problem though. Doc asks curiously what it is. Mom says the only problem is that her child is a little COCK eyed!!!!

[Theflyingbird]

Mike was touching up the paint in the bathroom one weekend when the brush slipped out of his hand, leaving a stripe across the toilet seat. So Mike painted the whole seat over, and went off to a ball game. His wife happened to get home early, went upstairs to relieve herself and found herself firmly stuck to the toilet seat. At six o'clock Mike found her there, furious and embarrassed, but he was unable to dislodge her for fear of tearing her skin. With considerable difficulty, Mike managed to get her into the backseat of the car and then into a wheelchair at the county hospital, where she was wheeled into a room and maneuvered, on het knees, onto an examining table. At this point the doctor entered and surveyed the scene."What do you think, Doc?" asked the nervous husband."Nice, very nice," he commented, stroking his chin."But why the cheap frame?"

[chevyseller2008]

A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks,"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Nah, ye can gae ahead."Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.The old Jock says, "Aye, that's as far as I got too."

[sixwings]

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States.

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

[tinnman77]

A man was pulled over at a check point after a night on the town. The officer said "congratulations, you just won $5000 for being the 100th person pulled over that was wearing a seat belt. What are you gonna do with the money?" The man said "well I am driving on revoked, so I am gonna use the money to take driving lessons to try to get my license back." The officer was annoyed and said "excuse me sir???" Just then the man's wife who was sitting in the passenger seat said " don't mind him officer, he is a real smart ass when he is drunk!"

[TennesseeCherokee]

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well... last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.

This is your grandma's idea."

[kjwayne]

I was walking down the street and this lady stopped me and

said"Sir, do you have a light?". I replied , No Maam , I don't smoke. She said ,

you don,t smoke even after having SEX?!! I said , I don't know . I,ve

never LOOKED!!

[Eagle]

Post a funny joke, the funniest wins a pink piggy item of their choice!

PRIZES ARE HERE: http://iqd.me/l/pigstuff (Yes those are real and legal USPS stamps!)

Ok, this contest is plain and simple.

You may only post one joke.

How will it be judged you ask? Even more simple.

At the end of the contest, the joke with the most +'s wins!

The contest will end on 8-31-11 @ at the stroke of Midnight (EST).

Good luck to all and let the contest BEGIN!!!!

[Kajun]

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock !

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs

[capvette]

You really know you're a DINARIAN when you're sick and tired of seeing the numbers 1-1-7-0!..