Funniest joke wins!

[cooked]

Little Johnny was a bad kid, just eight years old and always into trouble. He's sitting on a curb one day holding a glass jar filled with gasoline. He's just sitting there staring with amazement. A preacher walks by and sees Johnny holding the jar. The preacher asks Johnny what he is doing. Johnny replies to the preacher that this is the most powerful liquid in the world. The preacher says no no no Johnny, he pulls out a bottle of holy water. Yhe preacher tells Johnny that if you rub some holy water on a womans belly she will pass a baby. Johnny looks at the preacher and tells him, if you rub this gasoline on a cats a$$ he will pass a motorcycle.

Here little pink piggy piggy

[streakinblue2]

What is the difference between a blond and a mesquito ???

When you slap a mesquito on the head, IT QUITS SUCKING

[Sirius]

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you."

"I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays

three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

[jlymonstone]

Billy Bob and Earl Ray are sitting around a campfire one night with "Old Blue" the bluetick hound. All of a sudden, Old Blue starts licking his balls. Earl Ray says, "Billy Bob, look at Old Blue over there . . . man I wish I could do that". Billy Bob says, "Earl, you better not . . . Old Blue might bite you".

[E A Poe]

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of

cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off

revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticedone of the tellers looking straight at him. The

robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else,by now very scared, looked intently down at the

floor in silence. The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?'There are a few

moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy

tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you.'

[cooked]

A couple is lying in bed, on their 20th wedding anniversary. The woman suddenly feels her husband touching her in ways that he hadn't done in years. He started at her neck, and slowly traced a line downward, past the small of her back. He caressed one shoulder, then the other, and continued down across her breasts, stopping just below her navel.

Next, he placed his hand on her left inner arm, and caressed down her side, stopping at her hip. He started over again on her right side, then brushed gently across her buttocks, and down her leg. As his hand was making its way up the inside of her left leg, he abruptly stopped and rolled over.

She had become very aroused by all of this attention, and asked in a loving voice, "That was amazing, darling. Why did you stop?"

He cleared his throat, looked at her and said "Found the remote."

Hi piggy piggy!

I just have to say, I truely had a situation very similar to this. Brings back memories.

Here little pink piggy piggy

[blonde_minx]

This is a little rude

in the throws of passion

I shoved some grapes up my girlfriends A** during sex last night ....She didnt say anything .....But just let out a little wine

Edited August 29, 2011 by blonde_minx

[GT ACE]

Three surgeons were having lunch together one day when one of the doctors asked his other colleagues if they had a preference to operate on any professional or ethnic group!

One of the doctors said "I prefer to operated on Japanese people because the Japanese are so organized that when you are done with the surgery and get ready to close, everything is color coded and everything goes back together nice and neat".

The other doctors nodded in agreement and the second doctor said "I prefer to operate on German people because when you are done with the surgery and are ready to close, everything is numbered and fits back together so well".

The other doctors nodded in agreement and the doctor who posed the question said "I prefer to operate on Dinar Gurus, because when you have finished the surgery and are ready to close, there are only two parts, the ***hole and the mouth and they are interchangable"!!!!

Edited August 29, 2011 by GT ACE

[Heinzy444]

You Tube, Twitter & FaceBook are merging, The new co. will be called:

YOUTWITFACE

[Francie26]

The Girlfriends' Dinner

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.

Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View

restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson, the

cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet

for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant

because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was

good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet

for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant

because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went

late enough, there wouldn’t be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet

for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant

because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet

for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant

because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant

had windows that opened (in case of a hot flashes), and fish is good for

cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet

for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant

because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.

10 years later, the group of 75-years-old girlfriends discussed where to

meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant

because the food was not too spicy and it was handicapped-accessible.

10 years later, the group of 85-years-old girlfriends discussed where to

meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant

because they had never been there before.

[cajunrescuemedic]

An elderly lady goes to the doctor's office. The doctor meets her in the examination room and asks her what's wrong. "Everywhere I touch it hurts" replied the lady. "See"? and she touched her thigh and let out a yell, "Ouch"...then touched her stomach and yelled again, "Ouch". Finally she touched the side of her face and yelled once more, "Ouch". She then asked the doctor, "what do you think is wrong with me"?. The doctor replied, " Your finger is broken".

[TNSPYDER]

The world's shortest Fairy Tale

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry

me?"

The girl said, NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and

went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and

drank beer and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever

he wanted.

THE END

[GameChanger]

"Why Nancy Suddenly Got Divorced"

So, Nancy was making breakfast for her husband and three kids.

It was her 50th birthday and she was in a somber mood.

Her husband and kids rushed through the kitchen eating breakfast and running out the door to school, work, etc.

NO mention of the monumental birthday.

And there Nancy stood in the kitchen cleaning the mess and not feeling very appreciated.

She continued to work and hoped that SOMEONE might wish her a happy birthday...NOPE... didn't happen

UNTIL

Her rather handsome boss Mike, came to her (of whom she had a little secret crush) and said, " Hey Nancy, Happy birthday! How about we go to lunch?" Pausing for just a second and realizing her morning with her family... she said OK.

They went to lunch at one of her FAVORITE restaurants and she was giddy while having the best time with MIKE.

They finished lunch and Mike drove them back. On the way, Mike asked "Nancy, I need to get something at my house. Do you mind if we stop by there first?". Pausing and again, remembering her morning and what a great time at lunch she had said, "Sure".

He invited her in and she sat in the living room. Mike said, he had spilled something on his pants and had to go change. He asked her to get herself comfortable and he'd be right back in something a bit more comfortable.

After a few minutes, and with Nancy very nervous but excited about the possibility of what would happen next, Mike's bedroom door swung open with Mike, Nancy's husband, her kids and about 20 of her friends piled out of the room and shouted SURPRISE!

And there she stood.

Shocked...

and...

Naked.

[kmseeker]

A Priest's Retirement Dinner

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years

in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation

was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; he had taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

.

[Kandi77]

Three nuns die and go to heaven.

St. Peter meets them at the gates and says, I know that you have all been naughty, and I can't let you into Heaven without making sure you are cleansed. I know that you have all touched a man's penis. You need to come up to this bowl of Holy Water and cleanse whatever part of your body touched it.

The first nun walks up and sticks her hand in the bowl. St. Peter looks at her and says, "You are now clean, you may enter heaven."

Just as the second nun starts to walk up, the third nun pushes her out of the way and runs to the bowl and starts drinking out of it. St. Peter looked at her and asks her why she had done that.

The third nun stops drinking and says, "There was no way I was putting my mouth in there after she put her a$$ in it."

Edited August 29, 2011 by Kandi77

[jgreene]

pig joke

What is long and green and smells like pork???

ans: Kermit the Frogs middle finger.....lol

[reveldog]

Okie says RV today , rate 15.00 british pounds , cash in now

[ThoughtEcho]

THE END

Professor Jones had been working on time theory for many years.

"And I have found the key equation," he told his daughter one day. "Time is a field. This machine I have made can manipulate, even reverse that field."

Pushing a button as he spoke, he said, "This should make time run backward run time make should this," said he, spoke he as button a pushing.

"Field that, reverse even, manipulate can made have I machine this. Field a is time." Day one daughter his told he, "Equation key the found have I and."

Years many for theory time on working been had Jones Professor.

END THE

[RodandStaff]

A young boy comes up to his mother and asks: "is it true that when God created man he made him from the dust of the earth?" His mother replied..."yes, that's true son". And the little boy continued, "is it also true that when we die, we return to the dust?" His mother again replied.. "yes, that's also true son... why do you ask? The boy responds with a puzzled look... "cause there's someone under my bed, and I can't tell if their comin or going!"

[Slaydadea]

A carload of young, loud, young folks of the Islamic persuasion shouting anti American slogans stopped next to me.

The light changed, they shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off

ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"

So, today...bright and early, I went out and signed up for truck driving school..

Edited August 29, 2011 by Slaydadea

[Shabibilicious]

A Blonde calls the local dairy and orders 50 gallons of milk.

Later, thinking this is an error, the Milkman calls the Blonde to confirm the order.

"Do you really want 50 gals of milk", says the Milkman

"Yes, I am going to bathe in it....I hear it's good for the skin"

"Oh, okay....do you want that milk pasteurized?"

"No", says the Blonde...."up to my t*ts will be fine".

GO RV, then BV

[brbrlocke]

While walking through the yard after a bad day at school Little Johnny sees a chicken laying by the porch and kicks it in the air sending feathers flying everywhere. When he walks inside his Mother tells him...Johnny, I saw what you did and for doing that you don't get any eggs for a week. Well this makes Johnny really mad so he runs outside, spots the pig and just kicks the crap out of it. Johnny's Mother opens the window and yells out at him....Just for that Johnny no bacon for a month. Later that evening Johnny's Dad comes home after a tough day at work , sees the cat laying in the floor and kicks it across the room. Little Johnny looks up at his Mother and says...Well... are you going to tell him or should I do it ?

[zigmeister]

X rated joke;

One day Little Red Riding Hood was heading to her Grandmothers house. She had her basket of goodies with her and probably her cell phone as well. Out jumped the Big Bad Wolf and he said, "Little Red Riding Hood I'm going to **** you into next week!"

Little Red Riding Hood looks at the Big Bad Wolf, "Let's stick to the story line, YOU are going to eat me!"

[eddiemac]

Ok, this one is really dirty, hope the mods let it thru.............. Three pigs fell in the mud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ha! Lame I know............

[CAPT JACK]

You all liked this earlier this year, maybe it will make someone else smile.

TEXAS Chili Cook Off (Humor - Warning: Rough Language)

Internet | Somewhere in the past | Unknown Texan

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the Chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy Sh#$, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh#$-faced.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black Bean Chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb lady is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her Chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. I need to wipe my a## with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre Chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of Chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh#$, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the Chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).