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Funniest joke wins!


cisole
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Post a funny joke, the funniest wins a pink piggy item of their choice!

PRIZES ARE HERE: http://iqd.me/l/pigstuff (Yes those are real and legal USPS stamps!)

Ok, this contest is plain and simple.

You may only post one joke.

How will it be judged you ask? Even more simple.

At the end of the contest, the joke with the most +'s wins!

The contest will end on 8-31-11 @ at the stroke of Midnight (EST).

Good luck to all and let the contest BEGIN!!!!

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It’s a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, “Hey, mamacita, let’s do Weeweechu.”

Oh no, not now, let’s look at the moon!” said Rosita.

Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it’s the perfect time,” Pedro begged.

“But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.” replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.”

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, “OK, one time, we’ll do Weeweechu.”

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang…..

“Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.”

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Alright, there was 3 mice in a bar talking about which one was the toughest. The first mouse said 'I set off the mouse trap every morning, catch it with my teeth and bench press it 100 times.' He slams his drink down and says 'thats why I'm the toughest.' The second mouse says 'Every morning I gather the most rat poison I can find, grind it up and drink it in my morning coffee for a buzz.' He slams his drink down and says 'thats why I'm the toughest.' The third mouse says ' I don't have time for this BS, I gotta go home and DO the cat.' (I got this from my 14 yr old son, he said, sorry mom it's not that funny thats the cleanest joke I know)

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So...... A guy walks into a bar with a pet monkey on his shoulder and sits down to order two drinks. One for him and one for the monkey. "Interesting," thought the bartender, but there were no problems all night.... until the two shots of tequila! After Patron the monkey went nuts, running up and down the bar spilling drinks and peanuts until he jumped over to the pool table, grabbed the cue ball, threw it into the air straight up, caught it in his mouth, and swallowed it! Of course they were kicked out of the bar.

A couple of months go by and the same guy and the same monkey walk into the bar and order two drinks. Apprehensibly the bartender serves them and asks if they would like some peanuts. At this point the monkey grabs a peanut, studies it for a minute, sticks it up his a$$, takes it out and eats it. The bartender is like WTF!!! The guy apologizes and says that ever since the cueball, he tests everything first!

That's all I have.

J.R.

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So a clerk in the grocery store is arranging some produce when a lady comes up to him and asks "Where is the broccoli?"

To which he replies "I am sorry ma'am, but we have none at the moment."

He returns to stacking produce. A few minutes later the same lady comes to him and says "Excuse me sir, but I don't see any broccoli."

To which the clerk replies "I am very sorry ma'am, but we have no broccoli today."

And again he returns to his work. A few minutes later that same woman comes up to him and the clerk says "Excuse me ma'am, can you help me with something?"

The lady says "Yes?"

The clerk asks "Can you spell cat, as in catastrophe?"

The lady says "Yes, C A T."

The clerk asks "Can you spell dog, as in dogmatic?"

The lady says "Yes, D O G."

The clerk asks "Can you spell ****, as in broccoli?"

The lady looks at the clerk and says "There is no **** in broccoli."

The clerk says "Lady, that is what I have been trying to tell you."

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A stuttering man finally decides to go to the doctor to see if his speech

impediment can be cured. The doctor thoroughly examines the man and finally

asks him to drop his pants.

Out comes this gigantic **** and the doctor pronounces the root of the problem

to be strain on the vocal chords from the effects of gravity being transmitted

up to the neck area.

The patient then asks, "wh-wh-at c-c-ca-an b-b-e d-d-done ab-b-bout- t-t i-i-

t?" to which the doctor replies, "modern surgery can work miracles. We can

replace your **** with one of normal size and the stuttering will disappear

right after the operation."

The patient eagerly agrees to the surgery, and as promised his stuttering

disappears.

About 3 months later the man returns to the doctor and complains, "doctor, I

am grateful to you for having cured me, but my wife really misses a big ****,

and rather than lose her I've decided to get my old **** back and live with

stuttering for the rest of my life." The doctor then looks straight at the man

and replies, "d-d- de-deal's a d-d-deal."

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A G.E.T. team member, a PRT team member and Okie the oilman made a wager on who could remain inside a goat pen the longest. First out was the G.E.T. team member, who came out after just 10 minutes yelling "Damn! The goat stinks!" After him the PRT team member went in, and after half an hour he came out yelling, "Damn! The goat stinks!" Finally Okie the oilman went in. After 2 hours the goat came rushing out yelling "Damn!Okie the oilman stinks!!!!!!!!!"

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A cowboy was riding thru the old west when a band of Indians captured him and took him back to their village. The chief came up to him and said we will burn you at stake tomorrow, but we give you one wish before that. The cowboy went to his horse and whispered in it's ear. The horse took off and about an hour later came back with a gorgous blonde. Her and the cowboy went into a teepee and made love all night. The next day the chief said "no can burn today, have to go on war party, do it tomorrow. We give you one more wish". He goes to his horse, whispers in it's ear and the horse takes off. About an hour later the horse comes back with nice redhead. They spend the night in a teepee having a good time. The next day the chief comes to him and says " You keep whole village awake last night, everyone too tired today, but tomorrow you will be burned. So you get one last wish." The cowboy once again goes to his horse, grabs the horse by the head and says. " Read my lips, bring POSSEE, bring POSSEE". :rolleyes::rolleyes:

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There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to

meet with him. When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They

came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color. The contractor wrote something down on his

pad, then walked to the window and yelled, ”Greenside up.”

The lady is a little confused, but doesn’t say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, ”I would like a

nice warm white in here, nothing stark.” The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again

yells, ”Greenside up!” The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything.

They continue to her bedroom and she says, ”I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here.” The contractor writes something on

his pad and again walks to the window and yells, ”Greenside up.” The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor,

”Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell

greenside up. What is going on?” The contractor replies, ”You see, I have four blondes laying sod across the street.

LOL.... :D

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Saint Peter is at the pearly gates and he realizes it's almost time to close it down for the day. Low and behold, he looks up and sees three guys standing in line to get into heaven. Peter, realizing the time, says,"Gentlemen, welcome to the Pearly Gates! Unfortunately I am just about to close it down and only have time to get one of you in today. So, the fellow with the most tragic death story gets in, the other two will have to wait until tomorrow"

The first guy in line begins..."Well, I live on the 9th story of a 15 story apartment building. I have suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for several months now. Thinking I would catch her in the act, I left for work and then returned home after thirty minutes. I went upstairs, burst through the door, and wouldn't you know it, there was my wife in the living room and I could see a guy hanging off the balcony railing. I rushed out to the balcony, went to the railing, and attempted to peel the guys' fingers off the railing. But this guy was strong and I couldn't get him off. I went back into the apartment, grabbed my hammer, and wailed on his fingers until he fell, and he went all the way to the ground.

But wouldn't you know it, he landed on some hedges which broke his fall and I could see he was still alive. So, I went to the kitchen, grabbed our extra large French style refrigerator, pushed it onto the balcony and then lifted it over the railing and aimed it down to the guy on the hedges, it landed on him and killed him instantly. But, wouldn't you just know it, after all of that sress and effort, I sat down on the balcony, had a heart attack, and died."

Astonished, Peter said to the man, "Wow, that was tragic,"

Then the next man began," Well, I live on the 10th story of a 15 story apartment bulding. I woke up a little late this morning and realized I didn't have time for the gym. So I went out to the balcony and got on my treadmill. But, as I was running, my feet got tangled and the treadmill flung me out over the railing. It was okay though, because I was close enough to the wall that I was able to grab onto the railing on the balcony of the apartment below. But, as I was hanging there, thanking my lucky stars, this guy came out and tried to pry my fingers from the railing. I'm strong though, so he wasn't able to do it. Next thing I know, after he left for a moment, he reappeared and started wacking my fingers with a hammer and eventually I let go.

But then I thought it was really my lucky day because I landed on some hedges and my fall was broken. But, as I was lying there, stunned and in pain. The same guy pushed a refrigerator over the railing, it landed on me, and here I am."

Peter, completely stunned, said,"This one was more tragic than the last one." He looks at the third guy and says,"What's your story?"

The third guy begins, "Well, I was hiding out in this large French style refrigerator......."

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For men only...

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

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How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 99%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street

with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

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A newlywed couple wanted to join the church. The preacher told them that they would be happy to have them, but there were a few rules they had to abide by before joining. Because the church wanted new members to focus on their spiritual life before making such an important decision, the church required that they forget about “worldly” things for a period of six weeks before joining. This included all types of entertainment and definitely no sexual relations for the six-week period. The couple protested and reminded the preacher that they were NEWLYWEDS, and six weeks would be an eternity. The preacher insisted that was the rule and the couple finally agreed. Two weeks later, the young man went to see the preacher and confessed that they really tried to abide by the No Sex rule, but the night before they had given in and had sex. The young man said that they didn’t intend to, but his wife dropped a can of corn on the floor and when she bent over to pick it up, he lost control and they made love right there in the middle of the floor. The preacher shook his head and told the young man that he was sorry but they wouldn’t be allowed in church any longer. The newlywed said he completely understood—that last night, the manager of the grocery store told them they weren’t allowed in there either.

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There was a surveyor doing his work on an open meadow on a hillside. While he was making notes a hot air balloon drifted by slowly. The man in the baloon shouted to him, "Pardon me sir, but can you tell me where I am? The surveyor yelled back, "you are at 24 degrees, 31.24 minutes north and 87 degrees and 46.87 minutes west.

The man in the baloon shouted back, "You must be a Republican, you gave me factual information, it was so technical that it was completely useless and I am no better off now than I was before."

The Surveyor yelled back, "I know you are a Democrat. You got yourself in the situation you are now in, don't know where you are going or how to help yourself get out of it, I had no choice about giving you my help which you don't know what to do with, and now suddenly, its all my fault"

<drum roll>

Edited by kosman
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Two married gals wanted a girls night out and just enjoyed themselves with flirting dancing and drinking..On the way home, one wife said to the other ,"I got to pee " the other said, " me too but were do we go?"

"well pull over ther by the cemetery its dark, no one will see us" The one gal astonished said '" what do we wipe our selfs with?" The second wife replied. " well Im going to just take off my underware and wipe myself"

The first wife replied," Oh no I cant, my thong was 90.00 and I bought it at Victora secrets. But i do see a big wreath with a ribbon I can use over there by that head stone."

The next day both husbands of the two women were on the phone talking , when one said to the other," Im not letting my wife go out with yours anymore,she came home with no underware on."

The second husband re[lied,"well Im not letting my wife go out with yours either! She came home last night with a sticker on her a$$ that said" Thanks for the memories, we will miss you dearly !"

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There was a preacher who needed to have all his teeth replace and use dentures. The first Sunday after the operation his mouth was so sour that he only preached five minutes. The congregation as delighted. The next Sunday his mouth was a little better and he preached for ten minutes. This, too, delighted the listeners. This went on for 4 Sundays and he was up to 20 minutes. Then, on the fifth Sunday he preached for an hour and forty-five minutes! The church was anger that he had preached that long. One elder ask why he spoke so long that Sunday. The preacher answered, "Well, the first four Sundays I put in my own teeth. On this Sunday I got up and put in my wife's teeth and I couldn't stop talking!"

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A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

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Oakie And Ali were traveling through Texas farm country on their way to a Guru Strategy Meeting when they came upon a sheep with its head caught in a wire fence.Ali yells out "Stop the Car..Stop the Car"...When Oakie does ,Ali rushes out of the car jumps the fence and has his way with the sheep.When he finishes the job he jumps back in the car and says to Oakie "You want some of that?"....Oakie says "Hell Yes!" and with that jumps out of the car...jumps the wire fence...runs past the sheep and sticks his head in the fence.

Nuff Said!

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