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How to start a fight

bamf1414

By bamf1414,
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bamf1414 Newbie

bamf1414

Posted
Posted

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as

a Christmas gift....

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while

we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school

reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his

drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking

right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he

hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting

to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had

something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,

making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she

thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall

grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing

scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into

the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again

I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the

grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my

lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the

boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential

downpour.. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the

garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather

would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back

into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different

anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is

terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my

stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in

about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply

for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to

verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at

home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have

to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for

me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at

the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped

your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you

to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

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Midx1 Newbie

Midx1

Posted
Posted

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a

medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people

having Guts or having Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by

your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of

perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking,there is no difference in the outcome. Both will probably result in death.

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bamf1414 Newbie

bamf1414

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Posted

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a

medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people

having Guts or having Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by

your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of

perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking,there is no difference in the outcome. Both will probably result in death.

I apparently don't have either if thats the choices, im kind of afraid of death still and all i can see out of both those situations is murder.

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