Qman Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!! 15 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caleb08 Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 That was a great one. My husband would probably try the tazar on me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BanG Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 OMG!!! I'm laughing sooo hard that I cannot stop crying......Brilliant move, your right only a man would do such a stupid thing. God that is funny. Peace. +1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Machine Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 (edited) Quality joke ...... h aha ha ha ha +1 Oh i needed that ..... only 2 hours left in work for today ...... Edited May 27, 2011 by The Machine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
icfaith Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 Now that was so funny and probably so true. Why is it, that a man always has to know how something works. Can't we ever just trust what we see or hear as being true. I haven't laughed so hard in a long long time. As I know for a fact, I would be this guy. Probably one reason i haven't bought one for my wife yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DinarMillionaire Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 HILARIOUS!!!!!! Great start of the morning. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZF7BYFR6xg&feature=related Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RodandStaff Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 First response.... .... no, don't do it man! Next .... ..... awwww, you didn't!! Yup... you did... ... now to find those missing parts before the wife gets home! Gotta admit this was hilarious ... and honestly have to admit, it probably could have been almost any of us guys... yeah, "any" of us (if we truthfully look inward to that little boy inside of us that says... "I wonder what would happen if....???... how do you think they come up with all those t.v. shows about stupid stunts we do?). Thanks for the laugh... I needed it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beachchicken Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 Thank you!!! That was too funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AZ Native Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 That was funny... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbs427 Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 LMFAO, THAT is the funniest shiite I have read in a loooonnnnggggg time!!! Sides hurtin", eyes waterin' HILARIOUS!!!! :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nointel Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 this one has been floating around the internet for quite a while now. i think the GET team uses these on themselves before they give us the new intel. only possible explanation.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TonyDownTheShore Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Man, we need a good laugh once in a while, and this was a good laugh. Thanks I needed that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gooserider67 Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Holly crap, I have heard this one before but OMG what a funny story. I could barely read one sentence without having to settle down the laughing and wipe away the tears to read the next sentence and do it all over again. Loved it 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sandfly Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 o man that is so funny i can't stop crying. i would never tell any one i done that too my self Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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