CAPT JACK Posted May 13, 2011 Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 We need a little more humor and less bashing, hope you like this, TEXAS Chili Cook Off (Humor - Warning: Rough Language) Internet | Somewhere in the past | Unknown Texan Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. FRANK: Holy Sh#$, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh#$-faced. CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb lady is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! ! CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. I need to wipe my a## with a snow cone! CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh#$, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank. FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report). 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bodeen Posted May 13, 2011 Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 I love this one.......... Great post friend.... +1 for ya.. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DinarThug Posted May 13, 2011 Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 Thanks for the post CAPT JACK. I had to show this to my teenage son. We both loved it. I found a 30 second commercial. Interestingly named JACKS LINKS. I am such an internet inbred, I had to have my son help me post this video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyVsHNEBeBk 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TouchDownDance Posted May 13, 2011 Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 LOL +1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
familyguy Posted May 13, 2011 Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 LOL almost shed a tear from to much laughter. ++1 CAPT. Your the man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smee2 Posted May 13, 2011 Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 I knew by the title that this had been posted before, some time ago. But I just had to come and read it again. It is soooooo funny! Thanks for bringing it back and giving us an encore belly laugh! smee2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texhad Posted May 13, 2011 Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 How long has it been since you had a good hot steaming bowl of Wolf brand chili? Well that's too long. Go RV! Blessings, Texhad 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CAPT JACK Posted May 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 Thanks for the post CAPT JACK. I had to show this to my teenage son. We both loved it. I found a 30 second commercial. Interestingly named JACKS LINKS. I am such an internet inbred, I had to have my son help me post this video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyVsHNEBeBk Love that commercial. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CAPT JACK Posted May 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 14, 2011 LOL almost shed a tear from to much laughter. ++1 CAPT. Your the man. I almost messed myself the first time I read it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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