429 Posted August 26, 2019 Report Share Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nstoolman1 Posted August 26, 2019 Report Share I will see your and raise you with a joke. On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit...... She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?" "No," said the little boy............. "It's a puppy!" 10 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nstoolman1 Posted August 26, 2019 Report Share A middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised him that he had only six months to live. Because of a terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order," make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life. What will you do for the last six months? asked the Doctor. His patient thought for a few minutes then replied. I think I will go and live with my mother-in-law! Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, Of all the people, why in the world would you want to live with your Mother in law?? Because it will be the longest six months of my life! 7 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nstoolman1 Posted August 26, 2019 Report Share It was a dark and cloudy night when a drunk, cutting through the cemetery on his way home, stumbled into a grave that had been left open in preparation for a funeral the next morning. He picked himself up and tried to climb out, but the sheer walls and lack of footing prevented him from making it, Finally, giving up, he curled up in one end and fell asleep. He had no sooner fell asleep than another fellow happened along, and also fell in, landing in the other end, fortunately. The second man struggled to his feet and began trying to climb out, having no more luck than had the first man. After he had made several attempts, the drunk reached out and grabbed his ankle, (in the pitch black darkness) and said, "You're never going to get out of here.".........and guess what..... the guy made it out the very next try. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nstoolman1 Posted August 26, 2019 Report Share This one may bring a little mist to your eyes as only a serious senior golfer would understand. A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! Today is Wednesday and we have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:15 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!" The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey and show him." 4 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nstoolman1 Posted August 26, 2019 Report Share DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!! It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!! IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY, WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. WARNING TO US ALL!!! Shampoo Warning! I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME." No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower! 2 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nstoolman1 Posted August 27, 2019 Report Share An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed." There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you're screwed 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nstoolman1 Posted August 27, 2019 Report Share Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information stored in their brains, so scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive becomes more full, so humans also take longer to access information, it has been suggested. Researchers say this slowing down is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more, but just may not be able to access the information because of HSI. (High storage impediment.) Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise. This is my story and I'm sticking to it. 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nstoolman1 Posted August 27, 2019 Report Share Olie, Sven and Lars had been going to the Norwegian club for years and never won the door prize. There by coincidence they each won three months in a row. Sven won a new tackle box, Lars won tickets to a concert by the Eyedrop triplets in Duluth, and Olie won a new toilet brush. A week later they were discussing their winnings and asked one another how they enjoyed the prizes. Sven said he really loved the tackle box, he had been fishing several time and the fish were nearly jumping in the boat. Lars said he really enjoyed the Eyedrop triplets concert. He said, "They are really good singers, are beautiful, and look so much alike they could be sisters:. They asked Olie how he liked his new toilet brush. He said, "Vell, it is a good brush, as good as they come, but I think I might go back to toilet paper". 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nstoolman1 Posted August 27, 2019 Report Share A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them. The Chinese guy buys 25 bras He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty. The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each. The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each. The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?" The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each." ...and this is why the Chinese own us! 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
429 Posted August 29, 2019 Report Share (edited) Edited August 29, 2019 by 429 2 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
learning all i can Posted August 30, 2019 Report Share 3 hours ago, 429 said: Just got home from Emerald isle for 2 weeks. Thank goodness he wasn't there but I expect him to be ther soon with Dorian lurching. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nstoolman1 Posted August 30, 2019 Report Share I am putting this here because it could be funny. Wife and I are going on our first cruise. Go to Alaska they say. You will have a good time they say. 7 days is not that long they say. The bears won't bother you they say. The sea will be smooth they say. My wife is concerned that we will be on a ship with unlimited food sources. The ship is going to leave port on an even keel and come back listing to the side my cabin is on. And probably bow up. So if anyone misses my sense of humor or wit that's the reason. If the worthless paper happens to revalue then I will hear about it I am sure. 3 1 4 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DinarDavo Posted August 30, 2019 Report Share 29 minutes ago, nstoolman1 said: I am putting this here because it could be funny. Wife and I are going on our first cruise. Go to Alaska they say. You will have a good time they say. 7 days is not that long they say. The bears won't bother you they say. The sea will be smooth they say. My wife is concerned that we will be on a ship with unlimited food sources. The ship is going to leave port on an even keel and come back listing to the side my cabin is on. And probably bow up. So if anyone misses my sense of humor or wit that's the reason. If the worthless paper happens to revalue then I will hear about it I am sure. Bon Voyage nstoolman1 and wifey !! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
429 Posted August 30, 2019 Report Share (edited) 20 hours ago, nstoolman1 said: I am putting this here because it could be funny. Wife and I are going on our first cruise. Go to Alaska they say. You will have a good time they say. 7 days is not that long they say. The bears won't bother you they say. The sea will be smooth they say. My wife is concerned that we will be on a ship with unlimited food sources. The ship is going to leave port on an even keel and come back listing to the side my cabin is on. And probably bow up. So if anyone misses my sense of humor or wit that's the reason. If the worthless paper happens to revalue then I will hear about it I am sure. The wife and I went on our first cruise of that type a few years ago. We both had previously been on cruises - my wife was on the USNS COMFORT (a hospital ship) during Desert Storm and at the same time I was a crewmember on USS TREPANG, a fast-attack submarine where I was assigned for 4 years. I subsequently did strategic deterrent patrols on USS RHODE ISLAND and USS PENNSYLVANIA (ballistic missile submarines). Yeah, we were in the Navy. But we went to Alaska and had an awesome time. And yes, they had plenty of food. Lie to your wife and tell her that you'll be going to the work out room but then go to the bar to complete multiple sets of twelve-ounce curls. Have fun! See the sights! Edited August 30, 2019 by 429 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starrider Posted September 6, 2019 Author Report Share Starr 3 3 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DIAMOND Posted September 6, 2019 Report Share thanks star an dat was funny lol 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nstoolman1 Posted September 6, 2019 Report Share I made it back with a few extra pounds and some souvenirs. Had a great time. I have now been in Alaska, Canada and Mexico. 1 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starrider Posted September 7, 2019 Author Report Share Starr 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starrider Posted September 7, 2019 Author Report Share Starr 4 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starrider Posted September 7, 2019 Author Report Share Starr 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starrider Posted September 7, 2019 Author Report Share Starr 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starrider Posted September 7, 2019 Author Report Share Starr 4 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DIAMOND Posted September 7, 2019 Report Share Star, as always great ones 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nstoolman1 Posted September 7, 2019 Report Share 6 hours ago, Starrider said: Starr Neccessity. The Mother of invention. Oh. I thought it was a "Put a caption on this picture" post. 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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