Silly Smiles ll+ *** Warning Objectionable Material Inside - Enter at your own risk ***

[Starrider]

7 minutes ago, Synopsis said:

 

 

      

Now that was brutal 

 

Starr

[Starrider]

 

 

Starr

[Synopsis]

22 minutes ago, Starrider said:

Now that was brutal 

 

Starr

 

      

 

Yeah, Starr, truth be told, likely brutal for ALL involve WHERE EVER THAT may occur!!!

 

It’s ALL Good!!!

 

er, we should ALL try to be good!!!

 

      

[Starrider]

Retirement  mornings are rough

 

 

Starr

[Starrider]

 

Starr

[haymon]

Stop, STARRIDER, Stop.. Your making my sides hurt!!

[Starrider]

23 minutes ago, haymon said:

Stop, STARRIDER, Stop.. Your making my sides hurt!!

 

Had to share this one

Starr

[Starrider]

 

 

 

Starr

[cws]

17 hours ago, Starrider said:

Retirement  mornings are rough

 

 

Starr

 

Thats some pretty serious bedhead!

[Starrider]

 

 

 

 

Starr

Edited July 17, 2019 by Starrider

[nstoolman1]

Benny Hill was the closest thing to R rated TV back in the day.

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[nstoolman1]

Breaking a window

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix!" The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologise and see how much this is going to cost." 

They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said "Are you the people that broke my window?" 

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. 

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me! I'm allowed to grant three wishes, and I'll give you each one wish and keep the last one for myself." 

"Wow, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!" 

"No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world!" she said. 

"Consider it done!" the genie replied. "And what's your wish genie?" the husband asked. 

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." 

The husband looked at the wife and said "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. Afterwards, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said "How old is your husband anyway?" 

"35." she replied. 

"And he still believes in genies...that's amazing!"

[nstoolman1]

Lexophile

An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.

This year's submissions:

 

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into a meat slicer? He's alright but the incident caused him to get a little behind in his work.

[nstoolman1]

Going to hell

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer getsdissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designingand building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning andflush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.  One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,"So, how's it going down there in hell?"  Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning andflush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer isgoing to come up with next." God replies, "What You've got an engineer? That's a mistake --he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."  Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, andI'm keeping him."  God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."  Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just whereare you going to get a lawyer?"

[nstoolman1]

The Godfather

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" 

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." 

The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the money is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, ***** the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the money is!" 

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

[nstoolman1]

Old man

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers,"I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman." 

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles,he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. 

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

[nstoolman1]

An Old Priest Lay Dying . . .

An Old Priest Lay Dying in a Hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near. “Yes, Father?” said the nurse. “I would really like to see Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi before I die”, whispered the priest.
“I’ll see what I can do, Father” replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived.


Chuck and Nancy were delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Chuck commented to Nancy “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Nancy couldn’t help but agree.


When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Nancy ‘s hand in his right hand and Chuck’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.
Finally Nancy spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”
The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior,Jesus Christ.” The old priest continued, “He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

[nstoolman1]

C-141

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. 

The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. 

As he's left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished." 

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump poop from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

[nstoolman1]

Girlfriend 7.0

Dear Tech support:  Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.  I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!  Thanks, A Troubled User (KEEP READING)  ______________________________________  REPLY: Dear Troubled User:  This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.  You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.  The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.  Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.  However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!  WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.  Best of luck,  Tech support

[Starrider]

 

 

 

Anyone want to go to the gym and work out

 

 

Starr