Silly Smiles ll+ *** Warning Objectionable Material Inside - Enter at your own risk ***

[Smokey Mtn. Dinar]

 

I about died laughing. Good one! Copied.

A True Story .... Carnation Milk

 

When opening a can of carnation evaporated milk for your recipes just smile and think of this:

 

A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around her family’s dairy farm since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation…

 

So when canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with “Carnation milk is best of all ....”

 

She said to herself “ I know all about milking cows and dairy farms… I can do this!”

 

She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house… A man got out and said, “Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we WILL NOT Be able to use it...

 

Here is her entry

 

Carnation Milk

Is best of all, No **** to pull ,

No hay to haul,

No buckets to wash,

No **** to pitch ,

Just poke a hole

In the Son-********

    

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[divemaster5734]

Did you know that on the Canary Islands there is not one canary?.....
And on the Virgin Isles? Same thing....Not one
canary there either.

[divemaster5734]

A missionary was about to leave his posting in the jungles where he
has spent years teaching the natives 'The Good Word' when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary was pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a
rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The missionary is really flustered and quickly says, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

[divemaster5734]

A police officer, at nearly midnight, saw a couple in a car at Lovers' Lane with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approached the car to get a closer look. He saw a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine.
He then noticed a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the officer walked to the car and gently rapped on the driver's window.
The young man lowered his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop asked, "What are you doing?"
The young man said, "Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the officer asked, "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugged, "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."
Now, the cop was totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in Lover's Lane and nothing is happening!
He asked, "What's your age, young man ?"
The young man said, "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asked, "And her, what's her age?"
The young man looked at his watch and replied, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.".

[moose 57]

[divemaster5734]

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
• Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

[divemaster5734]

 One day my Detective partner and I were driving along a country lane when we accidentally ran over a rabbit that had darted across the road. My colleague, who was an excellent cook, insisted that we stop and collect the creature for the pot. I stopped the car and he put the animal in the boot (trunk).

We carried on driving and I glimpsed in the rear view mirror to see a van following us and flashing his headlights. I pulled over and the van stopped behind. Out of the vehicle stepped an Inspector from the RSPCA (ASPCA). He was a large man in full uniform and he came striding towards us in a rather angry fashion. He told us that he had reason to believe that we had a live wild animal in the boot(trunk). We identified ourselves as police officers and I showed him my warrant card (shield). He examined the card carefully and told me that it was not valid as it had been signed by a Chief Constable that had retired the year before. He also insisted that as he was an Inspector, we should address him as ‘Sir’from that point onwards. My partner and I looked at each other, but said nothing.

I explained what had happened and that the animal was dead, but he insisted it was alive and ordered us to open the boot. I opened it and we could see the creature lying prostrate. The Inspector told us to stay exactly where we were and he walked back to his van. He returned a short time later carrying a spray can. He sprayed it into the boot and all over the animal. The was a white foam which completely filled the boot. It soon started to dissolve and we could see the animal again. It started to twitch and the suddenly came to life and jumped out of the car and into the hedgerow.





I was absolutely astonished and asked the Inspector what was in the spray can.





I couldn’t believe it when he told me it was




















Hare Restorer

[divemaster5734]

I often wondered what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 10 siblings, but they didn’t have a clue either.

[nstoolman1]

2 hours ago, divemaster5734 said:

I often wondered what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 10 siblings, but they didn’t have a clue either.

I had six siblings. That explains a few things. 

[moose 57]

[Smokey Mtn. Dinar]

On 7/28/2022 at 10:38 PM, divemaster5734 said:

I often wondered what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 10 siblings, but they didn’t have a clue either.

 

On 7/29/2022 at 12:41 AM, nstoolman1 said:

I had six siblings. That explains a few things. 

 

 

My daddy's parents had 9 children. My mother's parents had 13 children (one set of twins) . Both grandfathers were coal miners.  Nuff said! 

[divemaster5734]

1 hour ago, Smokey Mtn. Dinar said:

 

 

 

My daddy's parents had 9 children. My mother's parents had 13 children (one set of twins) . Both grandfathers were coal miners.  Nuff said! 

One of life's mysteries...

[moose 57]

I'll never grow up!!!

[DanP]

On 7/29/2022 at 6:46 AM, moose 57 said:

Land of the Lost. 😂

[Smokey Mtn. Dinar]

 

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he

asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money

from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

 

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a

'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

 

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,

the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing

community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

 

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank

you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

 

Then a Member of Congress came in for a haircut, and when he went to

pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from

you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Congress

was very happy and left the shop.

 

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen

Members of Congress lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between

the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.  

 

If you don't forward this you have no sense of humor. 

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