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1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3.
 Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

9. 
Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

10. 
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.


21. 
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

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  • Apparently, an RSVP to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time," isn't the correct response.
  • Don't irritate old people. The older we get, the less "Life in prison" is a deterrent.
  • "You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did."
  • I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens. 
  • It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
  • Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think "That can't be accurate."
  • I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
  • I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn't afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
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Christmas falls on Friday this year. Blonde: I hope its not the 13th.

 

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.

 

A hole was found drilled in a privacy fence at a local nudist club. The authorities are looking into it.

 

My 2nd grade teacher was cross-eyed. She had a hard time controlling her pupils!

 

If you have to wear both mask and glasses, you may be entitled to condensation.

 

When you teach a wolf to meditate, it becomes aware wolf.

 

The girl in the middle of the tennis court is Annette.

 

Water is heavier than butane because butane is a lighter fluid.

 

My son wants to study burrowing rodents. I told him to gopher it.

 

I'm reading a book called "Quick Money for Dummies", by Robin Banks.

 

Nothing tops a plain pizza.

 

When you said life would get back to normal after June... Julyed.

 

Lego Store reopens after Lockdown! Folks lined up for blocks!

 

Cosmetology student misses class... forced to make up makeup test.

 

I pulled a muscle digging for gold, but it was just a miner injury.

 

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

 

Ghosts like to ride in elevators. It lifts their spirits.

 

I'm going to start collecting highlighters. Mark my words!

 

Fungi puns are my yeast favorite. There's too mushroom for error.

 

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

 

Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect it back anyway!

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Last one, am pretty sure the epoxy has set by now..

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness and I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, "Close enough."

I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Retirement to do list: Wake up. -I Nailed it!

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.

I don't have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

I don't trip, I do random gravity checks.

One minute you're young and fun. Next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.

I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.

Some people you're glad to see coming; some people you're glad to see going.

Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.

I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what's going on.

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.

I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. ...I forgot where I was going with this.

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Almost dry, too bad for you....

I told myself that I should stop drinking. Then I thought... Why would I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?!

 

People that have no time for my s**t need to budget their time better... maybe get up an hour earlier

 

To the lady that flipped me off this morning when I waved and honked at you...I'm pretty sure your phone is no longer on top of your car.

 

A co-worker asked me, “Could you be any more annoying?” So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.

 

4 out of 3 people struggle with math

 

If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you

 

Laughter is the best medicine... unless you have diarrhea

 

Q: What do Captain Kirk and toilet paper have in common?

A: They both keep the Klingons off Uranus.

 

I pulled a nose hair out today, just to see if it hurts...
Judging by the reaction of the guy sleeping next to me on the bus, it's fairly painful.

 

 I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. Actually, it was more of a Fanta sea.

Shhhh... talk quietly. I don't trust these trees. They look shady.

 

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

 

Just learned that the companies that make yard sticks and rulers won't be making them any longer.

 

Something to ponder; 1970 and 2022 are as far apart as 1970 and 1918.  52 years.  A lot of us have lived it. So much makes sense now…

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