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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"


Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"


Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last SEVEN QUESTIONS WRONG!!!!!

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The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying *******!
You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified
at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home
"I have something to show
you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed,
"Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you,"
she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied,
"the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied:
"Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?"
The bartender replied:
"The same thing
I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied,
" now just rest
and let the poison work
 

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May be an image of 2 people, outdoors and text

 

Blue Line Heroes

 

 

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
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May be an image of map and text that says 'Charleston West Virginia Kentucky Virginia Maryland Chesapeake Bay Richmond Tennessee Black Kitty Hawk Sparta •Mt. Airy North Carolina Elizabeth •Boone Salemo Winston Greensboro Roanoke High Lake Chapelo •Durham River Norman Point Rocky Raleigh Mount Greenville Roagoke Smoky •Franklin Mitchell Asheville Piedmont Plateau Deep Island Neuse Gastoniao .Charlotte River River Plain Monroe Yadkin Fayetteville Great Smoky River Cape Fear Mountains River N.P. Lumberton Nags Head 60 mi 60 km Georgia Bern Atlanta Columbia Tabor City Sunset Cape Outer Hatteras Jacksonville OSaINks Banks Onslow Bay Wilmington Cape ear NORTH CAROLINA LOW Long Bay South Carolina HILLS MTS Atlantic cen WorldAtlas.com'

 

NORTH CAROLINA CAUTION:
 
In regards to all the people wanting to move here from New York and California as well as many other heavily populated cities across the country, as well as those wanting to visit...
 
Before you come to North Carolina to visit you must be aware of what is happening here.
 
There's a housing shortage, rent has tripled, and folks are vacationing here in record numbers...
So if you plan on moving here, or just plan on vacationing at our beaches, hill country, mountains or lakes this summer, I think you should know that wolf spiders, fire ants and bedbugs have infested hotels and motels across the area due to dryer than usual weather. The woods will eat you alive with ticks and chiggers.
 
Our lakes are full of gators, fresh water sharks, and creepy old guys wearing speedos.
 
Our rivers are full of drunks in tubes peeing themselves while the banjo players lay waiting in the bushes.
 
Carolina panthers have eaten many domesticated animals and possibly some small children.
 
The local bear and coyote population are all 'in heat' and think your wife/girlfriend is hot.
 
Snakes... don’t even get me started on the water headed copper moccasins here, and the Diamond Back Rattler Cobras.
 
The poison ivy has overtaken all other vegetation.
 
We have had bear sightings at every park and town and they are after your picnic baskets….and some cougars have been spotted in motel rooms and bars.
 
Watch out for the jackalopes, they have been extremely aggressive this season.
 
We have the Skunk Ape invading our parks and it’s their mating season.
 
Porcupines are "stabbing" small children should they dare to utilize the local playground equipment.
 
Skunks have made their way over and multiplied at unprecedented rates and wander the local campgrounds in packs looking for beer.
 
Murder hornets!?! We’ve got great black clouds of murder hornets, and swarms of giant crickets and even some attack grasshoppers.
 
Scorpions have now migrated here and have been congregating in massive quantities under rocks, logs, wooden steps, automobiles, and tarantulas are now stealing peoples food and biting like crazy.
 
I’m pretty sure all private tiger owners (we had a jump in them after Tiger King) have released their cats into the streets of our cities and towns.
 
Head lice now fly and we have vampire bats.
 
Oh, and no one is vaccinated.
 
I hear Idaho and Louisiana are really nice though.” 👍🏼
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