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The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
 
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
 
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
 
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
 
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
 
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

 

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I want to talk to my lawyer.

A guy calls a law office and says: “I want to talk to my lawyer.”

The receptionist replies, “I’m sorry, but he died last week.”

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, “I told you yesterday, he died last week.”

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.

By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, “I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”

The guy says, “Because I just love hearing it.”
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Elephant Wisdom

 
An Irishman went to local fair to see the circus that shows up every few years. He stopped at a tent and had a pint or two and off through the grounds he went to see the sights. Whilst going down the midway he ran into a man with an Elephant Act. The man claimed that the elephant could study a person and determine their age. It cost 50 cents have the elephant tell you your age. If he was wrong you got double your money back. A small boy gave the Barker 50 cents and stepped up to the elephant. The elephant extended his truck toward the young man and sniffed around him a bit. The elephant then raised his foot and stomped the ground 9 times. The elephant man asked if that was right. "Oh yes said the boy. I'm 9 years old.
The Irishman got very loud in his protesting that this could not be true. The way he was attacking the elephant owner was downright abusive. The owner asked the elephant to tell them the age of a girl who looked to be a teenager. The elephant stomped 14 times and sure enough she was 14 years old. None of this convinced the Irishman and he launched into another drunken tirade. The elephant owner challenged the Irishman to put his 50 cents up and said he'd pay 10 times over the 50 cents if the elephant was wrong. The Irishman had visions of the pints he could buy on such a sure bet and forked over the 50 cents.
The elephant stepped up to the Irishman and sniffed around him with his trunk. Suddenly, the elephant whirled around and pointed his backside at the Irishman and broke wind like you wouldn't believe. He almost knocked the Irishman off his feet with the blast. Then the elephant whirled back around to face the Irishman and stomped his foot on the ground twice. The stunned Irishman stumbled back a step and with the sound of disbelief in his voice cried," BeGabbers, he's right, I'm Farty Two!"
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Court case

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..

..I just lost it...

Case Dismissed !!
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