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Silly Smiles ll+ *** Warning Objectionable Material Inside - Enter at your own risk ***


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RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

...

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

 

Starr

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20 hours ago, Starrider said:

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

...

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

 

Starr

OK, true story:

My wife and I have been married 36 years so she knows exactly what I'm capable of and I was in rare form. This past Friday we went out to dinner and then she wanted to go shopping.

The first store we visited was Pier One. Right inside the door there were some miniature, hand-sized globes on the shelf. I picked one up and started singing "He's got the whole world in His hands."

Wife: (Calling me by my given first name) "[Four], stop it!"

Me: "But I haven't even gotten to the part about the 'itty, bitty baby' or 'you and me sister.'"

My wife gazed at the floor and shook her head.

Well I've seen the above list before and as my wife kept shopping, I continued my sophomoric behavior, including #11 above - furtively walking around humming the "Mission Impossible" theme but of course that wasn't original.

Well the wife decided to use the ladies' room and I sat in one of the easy chairs on display. One of the sales ladies approached me and asked if she could help me find something. I considered saying something to the effect of "The voices told me not to trust you!" , a mix of numbers 8 & 14 above, but again, that's not original and it's not what came out of my mouth.

Me: "I'm waiting on my wife. She's in the ladies' room snorting cocaine."

Sales lady: * Eyes wide, mouth agape. *

Me: "Well she said something about 'powder in her nose' or something like that..."

Me: * big old $h*t eatin' grin. *

Sales lady: * Gazed at the floor and shook her head.

Yes! Success! Another woman gazing at the floor, shaking her head!

I told my wife about this interaction after she came out. I then went outside, ostensibly to smoke a cigarette, while my wife quickly finished shopping and made her purchases. When she came out of the store we moved on down the way. When we got to Bed, Bath and Beyond, my wife refused to go in with me. I can't imagine why...

Yep, true story.

 

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For those of you who are ALWAYS late to everything,

I have your "Get Out Of Jail Free" card...

 

"The early bird may get the worm,

but the SECOND mouse ALWAYS get the cheese.:.

 

I'd rather have the cheese...

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Image may contain: 1 person

 

Press your Face up against glass, take a photo, print it, laminate it and place it in a gallon size jar - then stick it in the fridge for a fun Halloween prank

 

 

Starr

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9 hours ago, Sage449 said:

Star and 429, you hit it out of the park, still laughing, the cats think I've gone crazy laughing so hard. 

I'm glad to put a smile on yours and everyone else's face but my post's are better with your morning coffee to jump start your day and I hope you are having a great day.  TY

 

 

 

 

Starr

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  • Markinsa changed the title to Silly Smiles ll+ *** Warning Objectionable Material Inside - Enter at your own risk ***
  • Markinsa pinned this topic

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