Silly Smiles II

[nstoolman1]

The Interview (oldie)

An old Native American chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two government officials sent to interview him. 

"Chief Two Eagles" said one official, "You have observed the white man for over 75 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress and the damage he's done." 

The Chief nodded in agreement. 

The other official then asked, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" 

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Natives were running it. 

"No taxes, 

"No debt, 

"Plenty buffalo, 

"Plenty beaver, 

"Women did all the work, 

"Indian man spent all day hunting, fishing, 

"Medicine man free!"

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[nstoolman1]

[nstoolman1]

Retirement bonus

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?'' The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.

[nstoolman1]

Most of us over 65 were HOME SCHOOLED ... in many ways

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My father taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.”

7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!”

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING/
"You are going to get it from your father when he gets home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on! Don't you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were raised in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you!”

[moose 57]

 

H.a.n.d

Edited December 27, 2018 by moose 57

[moose 57]

 

 

H.a.n.d

Edited December 29, 2018 by moose 57

[moose 57]

 

H.a.n.d

Edited December 29, 2018 by moose 57

[Markinsa]

[Markinsa]

[Markinsa]

[Markinsa]

 

[moose 57]

 

H.a.n.d

Edited January 2, 2019 by moose 57

[nstoolman1]

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[Muleslayer]

24 minutes ago, nstoolman1 said:

If you mean Philip’s head screw, the only thing worse is slot type!

Torks or square drive for me !