moose 57 Posted July 25, 2017 Report Share h.a.n.d. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlyHi Posted July 26, 2017 Report Share Subject: Gripe SheetAfter every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.*P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.*P: Something loose in cockpit.S: Something tightened in cockpit.*P: Dead bugs on windshield.S: Live bugs on back-order.*P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.S: Cannot reproduce the problem on ground.*P: Evidence of leak on the right main landing gear.S: Evidence removed.*P: DME volume unbelievably loud.S: DME volume set to more believable level.*P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.S: That's what friction locks are for.*P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.*P: Suspected crack in the windshield.S: Suspect you're right.*P: Number 3 engine missing.S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.*P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.*P: Target radar hums.S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.*P: Mouse in cockpit.S: Cat installed.*P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.S: Took hammer away from the midget. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whatshername Posted July 26, 2017 Report Share 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moose 57 Posted July 26, 2017 Report Share only $2 a dozen h.a.n.d. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nstoolman1 Posted July 26, 2017 Report Share I Just Realized Something:My dog has his food prepared for him. His meals are provided at no cost to him.He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup and again during the year, if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me ~ MY dog is a CONGRESSMAN! 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nstoolman1 Posted July 26, 2017 Report Share High 5 moment 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nstoolman1 Posted July 26, 2017 Report Share ... Rolls of Sod Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks Iced Coconut Milk Mocha Macchiatos when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.“I’m going to do that when I win the lottery,” announced the first blonde.“Do what?” asked the second blonde.“Send my lawn out to be mowed.” 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nstoolman1 Posted July 26, 2017 Report Share Bob's help line A Letter to the men's help column in the local newspaper:Hi Bob,I really need your advice on a serious problem:I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; shegoes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her whenshe comes home but I usually fall asleep.Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. Whenshe came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then shetook her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairlinecrack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?Bubba 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nstoolman1 Posted July 26, 2017 Report Share 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nstoolman1 Posted July 26, 2017 Report Share Cowboy at the Pearly Gates Cowboy at the Pearly Gates A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked. “Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, “Now, back off or I’ll kick the crap out of all of you!” St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”the cowboy said...“Couple of minutes ago.” 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
429 Posted July 27, 2017 Report Share 2 hours ago, nstoolman1 said: I Just Realized Something:My dog has his food prepared for him.MY dog is a CONGRESSMAN! https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=i+think+my+dog's+a+democrat+video&view=detail&mid=2A4C1B33F3271713DF422A4C1B33F3271713DF42&FORM=VIRE 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nstoolman1 Posted July 27, 2017 Report Share The Best Room in the Hotel The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed. “But sir,” said the clerk, “you have the best room in the hotel.” “I insist on another room!!” said the drunk. “Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don’t like 502?” asked the clerk. “Well, for one thing,” said the drunk, “it’s on fire.” 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nstoolman1 Posted July 27, 2017 Report Share 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SnowGlobe7 Posted July 28, 2017 Author Report Share 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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RodandStaff Posted July 30, 2017 Report Share 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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RodandStaff Posted July 30, 2017 Report Share It's all Dave's fault!!! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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moose 57 Posted July 31, 2017 Report Share h.a.n.d. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
429 Posted July 31, 2017 Report Share 1 hour ago, moose 57 said: h.a.n.d. Truth! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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