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Advice?


eddiemac
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So here is some back ground first. Married @ 19 years old, SHOTGUN WEDDING" not really but we had our first child about 3 months after the wedding. Second child two years later. Fast forward, first child graduated from college the second still going and works for me at a floor company which I do not own but I do run the day to day ops. The first child gets married in May, the boy has moved out for about a year now. So here's my deal, both of them pop in when they are in need of food, money, comfort, or Momma to cater to them. There is never for warning, no idea when they want to pop in. They just come intake what they want and do what they want, total disregard for our home or our feelings. I believe they use us. They will leave the place a mess, leave dirty clothes and drive me absolutely out of my mind. I had big plans for V -Day with my wife only to come home after work and find my son who took the day off( because he had a birthday party with his bud on Thursday) sleeping it off all day, thus killing all my plans with my wife of 22 years of marriage. FYI. We have been together since 96". Am I wrong? Am I being selfish ? I would love to have them come to see us and not to have us cater to them, but it has not worked out that way. I feel that my time is up to God so I would like to have a little time where it's just me and my Lala, we have never had that time, and of course I realize I made this bed but I would like to get a little bit of advice and or feed back. FYI. Trying to type this with the I-phone please forgive any errors.

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Eddie...  Lay it on the line... be firm!   They're not kids anymore...  Simply explain your needs as a mature adult... that you and your wife have paid your dues, raised the family and that your privacy needs to be respected.   They are welcome... but need to adhere to a new set of rules... all in a loving, family manner!

 

I have three sisters that kept on "coming back home" as adults, full of drama.  My mother finally told us... "Your father comes first... he's earned it... I've earned it.   We will always be there for you... but you must respect our needs first, as you're all grown up and on your own now".  Something to that effect!  It worked!

 

Good luck!!!  Jax :)

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  I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT BRO. I HAVE A SIMILAR SITUATION EXCEPT I HAVE ONE DAUGHTER AND HER THREE CHILDREN WITH US AND HAS BEEN FOR MANY YEARS. I AND MY WIFE DIFFER GREATLY ON THIS BUT I  WAS RAISED VERY DIFFERENTLY.  i DO PUT UP WITH IT BUT AM NOT OVERLY HAPPY ABOUT IT. GUESS IT IS A NEWER GENERATION AND FOR SURE A DIFFERENT WAY OF LOVING FOR SURE. I LOVE MY DAUGHTER AND GRANDCHILDREN BUY WOULD RATHER FOR THEM TO VISIT ME INSTEAD OF LIVE WITH ME.  GOOD LUCK THERE BUT IF I WERE YOU AND THEY ARE BOYS, THINK I WOULD TELL THEM TO STAY AWAY UNTIL INVITED. 

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wow please dont take this as me being callus but whose fault is this really.?

Look yes mama bear can make your life a living hell when it comes to the little darlings . Even if there in there 30`s

But comes a time when you grab your sac tell the little shits. Partys over amigos.

your on your own. see ya later. you got a real problem come see me. you wanna take me and your mom out to dinner please by all means lets do that.

Are you gonna trash my house ? Hell no. Are you gonna take me for more money ? Hell no 

Oh you hate me?  OK  come around when you love me again till then get the hell out.

 

No need to thank me

Glad I could help. 

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Jax, I thank you for that, wish I could plus you more. I have this thing where I feel guilty for how I feel, but I would never think of doing that to my parents. I just worry that I compromise my old thoughts with today's thinking, I am trying to find a way to teach my kids without pushing them away.

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I told my kids, if they don't go to college they are out of the house when they turn 18.  My son is now 26.  I agree, be firm and if mama doesn't like it, she will get over it when she thinks about it and realizes it's for the best.  It is like the old saying, Give a man a fish you feed him for a day, teach him to fish and feed him for a lifetime.  Teach him to not depend on mama for everything.  I'm not saying you can't help him once in a while, but make it on your terms.  Just my opinion

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One question. Have you ever had a straight forward conversation with your children to let them know how you feel?

 

If not, I suggest a round table meeting of the entire family. A member of my extended family found themselves in this situation and actually left his home for several days because he was so frustrated with the situation. When he came back he found out his wife had talked to the others and when they set down for breakfast they had a "come to Jesus" meeting. There were loud voices, tears flowing, etc. but when it was over, everyone understood how inconsiderate each was being to the other. Things seem to be much better now.

 

Sometimes, the problem comes down to "lack of communication".

 

:twocents:

 

:cowboy2:

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Jax, I thank you for that, wish I could plus you more. I have this thing where I feel guilty for how I feel, but I would never think of doing that to my parents. I just worry that I compromise my old thoughts with today's thinking, I am trying to find a way to teach my kids without pushing them away.

Eddie... it all starts with a change.   Explain to them that a change is taking place... and put the burden of their "acceptance" of it on them.   Start conditioning them to the new "rules"... and that they should be happy for their parents!   Ask them to HELP make your plan happen... with love.  They will have to abide... and their own guilt will alleviate yours!   With that approach... there is no anger, there is no contentiousness... no resentment... just new ways of diving into your golden years!   All the best!  

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Jax,Scrappy, Dog, Vietnam. I can not tell you how much I thank you for your feed back. I have become a man who has lost his way, I cannot give my kids everything they want.,My goal at this stage of this my life, is to take care of the women who started it all, our time could be limited and because we never had a chance to have our own time it becomes upsetting because I know the kids are fine, if they apply themselves.!!!!


One question. Have you ever had a straight forward conversation with your children to let them know how you feel?

 

If not, I suggest a round table meeting of the entire family. A member of my extended family found themselves in this situation and actually left his home for several days because he was so frustrated with the situation. When he came back he found out his wife had talked to the others and when they set down for breakfast they had a "come to Jesus" meeting. There were loud voices, tears flowing, etc. but when it was over, everyone understood how inconsiderate each was being to the other. Things seem to be much better now.

 

Sometimes, the problem comes down to "lack of communication".

 

:twocents:

I believe that Jesus is what I have lost ......

:cowboy2:


Tell them with love, that you love them, but they don't live here any more. They are visitors at your house. ( I had to do that

with 2 of my 3 ). After 20 some years of taking, It doesn't sink in that those days are over.

 

Tell them with love, that you love them, but they don't live here any more. They are visitors at your house. ( I had to do that

with 2 of my 3 ). After 20 some years of taking, It doesn't sink in that those days are over.

Thanks, it kinda stinks that things do not get any easier


One question. Have you ever had a straight forward conversation with your children to let them know how you feel?

 

If not, I suggest a round table meeting of the entire family. A member of my extended family found themselves in this situation and actually left his home for several days because he was so frustrated with the situation. When he came back he found out his wife had talked to the others and when they set down for breakfast they had a "come to Jesus" meeting. There were loud voices, tears flowing, etc. but when it was over, everyone understood how inconsiderate each was being to the other. Things seem to be much better now.

 

Sometimes, the problem comes down to "lack of communication".

 

:twocents:

Thank you for your wisdom, I will try that!!!!  Here"s to me crossing my fingers     

:cowboy2:

I


Tell them with love, that you love them, but they don't live here any more. They are visitors at your house. ( I had to do that

with 2 of my 3 ). After 20 some years of taking, It doesn't sink in that those days are over.

I had wanted to try that, but I was afraid I would push them away. You always want to give your kids better then you had<

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One question. Have you ever had a straight forward conversation with your children to let them know how you feel?

 

If not, I suggest a round table meeting of the entire family. A member of my extended family found themselves in this situation and actually left his home for several days because he was so frustrated with the situation. When he came back he found out his wife had talked to the others and when they set down for breakfast they had a "come to Jesus" meeting. There were loud voices, tears flowing, etc. but when it was over, everyone understood how inconsiderate each was being to the other. Things seem to be much better now.

 

Sometimes, the problem comes down to "lack of communication".

 

:twocents:

 

:cowboy2:

You are the bench mark of what we as people should be. I admire you and your ability to see the best and the flaws in people. I myself get overwhelmed with all that life throws me,  and No I have not let them know how I feel. I worry that if I say anything I will drive them away because they are too young to understand. I need to keep my babies close and make sure they know that they know they have a place to fall back on and they will always have a place to come to. I just did things  wrong!!!  I only did what little I knew as far as raising kids, after that I just followed my love for my babies.. I do believe if they do not know God, they will be in trouble 

  I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT BRO. I HAVE A SIMILAR SITUATION EXCEPT I HAVE ONE DAUGHTER AND HER THREE CHILDREN WITH US AND HAS BEEN FOR MANY YEARS. I AND MY WIFE DIFFER GREATLY ON THIS BUT I  WAS RAISED VERY DIFFERENTLY.  i DO PUT UP WITH IT BUT AM NOT OVERLY HAPPY ABOUT IT. GUESS IT IS A NEWER GENERATION AND FOR SURE A DIFFERENT WAY OF LOVING FOR SURE. I LOVE MY DAUGHTER AND GRANDCHILDREN BUY WOULD RATHER FOR THEM TO VISIT ME INSTEAD OF LIVE WITH ME.  GOOD LUCK THERE BUT IF I WERE YOU AND THEY ARE BOYS, THINK I WOULD TELL THEM TO STAY AWAY UNTIL

Thanks Man> Life sucks but you do make me feel better with your honesty, and that alone helps a lot.

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Eddie...  Lay it on the line... be firm!   They're not kids anymore...  Simply explain your needs as a mature adult... that you and your wife have paid your dues, raised the family and that your privacy needs to be respected.   They are welcome... but need to adhere to a new set of rules... all in a loving, family manner!

 

I have three sisters that kept on "coming back home" as adults, full of drama.  My mother finally told us... "Your father comes first... he's earned it... I've earned it.   We will always be there for you... but you must respect our needs first, as you're all grown up and on your own now".  Something to that effect!  It worked!

 

Good luck!!!  Jax :)

Good advise, I second that! :) 

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