Sensible Things You Should Never Do in a Zombie Outbreak

[Peace]

Sensible Things You Should Never Do in a Zombie Outbreak

If you have any kind of active fantasy life, you've got at least a vague idea of what you're going to do when society turns into zombies. Maybe you've picked a favorite weapon or a defendable location. People argue about the best zombie survival plans like it's a religion, and it sort of is, because unless something extremely unlikely happens, we will have wasted billions of hours on pointless speculation and planning.

This is not an article to debunk survival methods. I've read The Zombie Survival Guide, and if you like your chances of looting a karate shop and cutting down a horde of corpses with a 15-pound monk's spade, I'm happy that your stupidity will finally yield a spectacular death. After all, we're talking about a make-believe world, so you might as well be Jackie Chan in it. And Jackie, this article is here to make sure you have the greatest post-apocalypse you can have. That doesn't necessarily mean survival. We're not here to simply scrape by the zombie apocalypse -- we're here to kick it in the ass. It's why the American language contains the word "awesomest" and not the word "alivest."

When it's you against a world of undead, you should probably get some help, right? You'll need a few partners to kill the zombies behind you or to guard the entrances while you scrounge for canned stew. You need a rotating watch so the rest can sleep, and someone has to watch over suppl- holy ****, look what just happened. I started talking about group survival, and one sentence later I'm already fussing about food rations and scheduling. Do you really want to spend the apocalypse checking your day planner?

Nothing screws up a wasteland of shambling monsters like a group of human survivors. Every person who joins your rabble takes your exciting tale of action horror one step closer to psychological melodrama. The Walking Dead is almost entirely about human men flossing their teeth with one another's tongues. What happens is that when people form fruit loop society microcosms, they start to realize that they have to hang on to the only thing they have left: their humanity. You know why? Because when someone sits around thinking about crap like this too long, their thoughts fold in on themselves until their entire brain becomes a ******.

Let's see if that's true by dealing with a common zombie situation. Say a female survivor is bitten. Of course, you can't shoot your friend in the head, no matter how psychopathic you think you'll be once civilization ends. So soon you're in a heated argument with your own soul and the other survivors about how to get rid of this zombie time bomb. And if I know zombie fiction, she's about to interrupt to say she's pregnant, just so you all know you're about to execute the very concept of hope itself. This kind of drama will repeat every single time someone steals a box of cookies or gets overtaken by a horde and left for dead. A few well-intentioned survivors can turn even the nicest apocalypse into a Dove Body Mist commercial.

You know who doesn't have to deal with that ****? The feral maniac living in the sewer and becoming one with the night. Basically, when the end of the world arrives, you have two choices: Spend it as Tarzan or spend it as Meryl Streep.

Society is collapsing, so you'd better get a gun quickly, right? Let's assume for a second you know how to use one well enough to aim at a reeking flood of corpses and shoot the parts that are faces. Now you're stuck with a couple of problems: Your noisy gun is calling more things than you kill, and given the nature of this zombie-horde problem, you will always have more enemies than bullets. But maybe you should stop fussing over all these tiny details. You're planning a zombie apocalypse, not the perfect wedding. Let's go get a gun.

Let's not assume you get to the gun store before everyone else -- that's impossible. The main reason a person opens a gun store is because they've been waiting their whole life for exactly this event. They've had a shotgun pointed at the entryway since the first report of flesh-eating maniacs. You're not going to catch them sleeping. According to recent illegal-immigration statistics, the vigilance of American gun owners is second only to the craftiness of any Mexican of any age ever.

If you can convince the gun store owner to let you in, congratulations: You're now white and in a well-fortified building with a massive stock of weapons and ammunition. That reminds me, I should call my parents. Back to what I was saying, you now have two choices: let more people in (see entry #6), or watch strangers pound on the locked door and curse you as zombies tear their legs off. And since no one has the luxury of personal moral codes anymore, it occurs to you that you're going to have to start shooting these noisy, panicked visitors before they figure out how to break in. Speaking of shooting, can you name all the ways a Beretta is less reliable than a Glock? Because a gun store owner can and will, from now until the end of time. I hope you're happy, because while everyone else is out bashing the skulls of the undead, discussing the availability of .445 ammo is how you're spending the end of times.

Even if you're in an unfair apocalypse starring fast zombies, the one advantage you'll always have over the undead is your cleverness. Don't be tempted to use it, though. Don't launch fireworks to distract them. Don't train a dog to deliver your groceries. And if you form an elaborate plan to cover yourself in corpse juice to disguise yourself as a zombie, your last words are probably going to be "It's working! It's worAARRRGGHHHHH!!! Always remember that I died a stupid, smelly dipshit!"

Zombies are an unyielding force of nature, so you don't fight them with cute. You fight them with balls. And even if you discover that the undead can't see the color pink or that rock 'n' roll makes them dance, do you really want to get through Armageddon by exploiting a zombie manufacturing error? There's a reason that in a time when boats existed, Noah was the only one who survived the flood. It's because no one makes it to the end of a story by outsmarting the narrator. If you ever see that happening, you're watching an M. Night Shyamalan movie, and that sucks, because if I'd known you were a little *****, I wouldn't have started talking about zombies with you.

[cris]

Ok....You've got my attention, this is funny, is there more?

I'd like to be the one, like Noah, to have a boat.....Got any ideas?

[Ms.Bean]

omg .. frickin hilarious

[Peace]

Ok....You've got my attention, this is funny, is there more?

I'd like to be the one, like Noah, to have a boat.....Got any ideas?

i laughed so hard i cried!

be back, i was testing the water with this one

[dog53]

Zombie land. hahahahaha I loved it. We need part 2

[cris]

Just a fun info till Brandy gets back

Human factors are probably much more important than hardware. Stay cool, and keep moving. Bring a friend or three, so long as you can count on them not to scream, panic or cause friendly-fire incidents. Zombies are liable to come from all directions at the same time; you don’t get bonus points for killing more of them, so just do what you have to in order to get to safety. And watch out for the ones that are just playing dead. (Actually, they really are dead…but you know what I mean.)

Some sort of protective gear might be handy -– but can you afford to be slowed down? Do you carry something like a sword or a chainsaw for very close encounters, or are you dead by then anyway? Can you dazzle zombies with a flashlight? Any additional suggestions for zombie-fighting are, of course, welcome.

[Peace]

6 Signs You're About to be Attacked by Zombies

#6.

Your first instinct during a crisis is to go to your mall.

As seen in:

Dawn of the Dead (original and remake), Dead Rising

Why it's a sign:

Imagine a horde of zombies swarming down the main street of your town. Where do you go? If the nearest military base comes to mind, you're probably OK. If you're having trouble deciding between J. Crew and Sbarro ... well, the good news is, you're going to find the rest of this article extremely informative.

That's because there are two types of people in this world: those who think of malls as grossly unsafe places to seek shelter during a zombie apocalypse, where the undead masses could hide out in clothes racks and toy bins and where glass doors serve as a flimsy barrier between them and the undead hordes outside. And then there are people like you, who were put on this earth to get attacked by zombies while helping deliver a subtle anti-consumerist commentary.

#5.

You've just said or done something that would make it ironic if zombies attacked.

As seen in:

Night of the Living Dead, Diary of the Dead

Why it's a sign:

Don't be fooled by their barely functioning nervous system and shambling gait, Zombies have a devastating sense of timing. And if there's one thing they appreciate more than brains, it's dramatic irony. So if you're walking through a graveyard with a woman who's scared of the undead, you should avoid putting on your most sarcastic spooky voice and saying "They're coming to get you, Barbara." For whatever reason, sarcasm sounds like a dinner bell to zombies.

She's not reacting to your devastating sarcastic/spooky voice.

Zombies are incredibly patient. You can go your whole life avoiding any zombie irony--never dressing up as a zombie on Halloween, skipping all the "dead people are dead and never coming back" parties your friends throw every Easter. No rush. Take as long as you want. Zombies aren't busy. They'll just be chilling out under a thin dusting of suspiciously loose soil. And the second you slip up and do something that would make a zombie attack the least bit ironic, like say, starring in a zombie movie, they will be on your ass with a quickness.

#4.

The hospital you just woke up in is completely empty.

As seen in:

28 Days Later, the comic series The Walking Dead, Resident Evil

Why it's a sign:

If you find yourself falling into either of the above groups, you should probably avoid spending time unconscious in a hospital bed. In a zombie apocalypse, nothing's more embarrassing than walking around asking stuff like, "What the **** happened to the world?" The people who've had to deal with this **** for weeks will just roll their eyes, and generally act like you're the stupidest son of a ***** in town not mumbling the word "Braaaaains."

That's because the deeper people get into a zombie crisis, the more everyone starts acting like total assholes. So skipping two weeks of consciousness doesn't make for the smoothest of transitions. Your new friends got to ease their way into the apocalypse, whereas you just rolled out of a warm bed, directly into a frigid pool of cannibalism and back-sass.

NOTE: This of course assumes that you survive the two weeks in your hospital bed serving as a man shaped hot plate for your brains. For whatever reason, this is generally a safe assumption.

#3.

You are doing something unorthodox in a graveyard.

As seen in:

Return of the Living Dead, Dead Alive

Why it's a sign:

Most people like to do their dancing and fighting in night clubs, and save the graveyard for more appropriate activities like being dead. But you don't play by those rules, and well, neither do zombies.

Listen, you just never know when, as you're taking a run-of-the-mill naked dance break in the middle of a graveyard, radioactive toxins will rain down and cause the people in the graves to rise up and begin shouting "Braaaains!"

#2.

You never use the word "zombie."

As not heard in:

Every single zombie movie ever, and mentioned in Shaun of the Dead.

Why it's a sign:

Let me set up a scenario for you. You're coming home from work one evening. You pull into your driveway and pop out of your car to see your now-dead friends walking up the street, with the intention to eat you. What do you call them? If you said "them" or "things," then, well, that isn't a far-fetched scenario so much as it's a glimpse of your future. Make no mistake: With the exception of the aforementioned metatextual zombie movie, nobody in a zombie movie has ever seen one. If this page is in your browser history, it's probably time to be scared.

#1.

Your girlfriend, pet, brother or parents are zombies.

As seen in:

Return of the Living Dead 3, Day of the Dead. 28 Days Later. Night of the Living Dead

Why it's a sign:

You know, I really shouldn't need to explain this one.

The Does And Don'ts Of Zombie Survival

Zombies were predicted in babylonian epics, thought of as supernatural creatures by shamans and the end was told to us by the prophet, Romero. I hope that I can help you prepare as well.

Zombies are real and dangerous, more dangerous than a pedophile teaching first grade PE.

The threat can take many evolutionary paths. Don't expect to know exactly what we're up against, other than having headshots galore.

Organize before they rise.

1: Know the enemy types.

Zombies can come in many forms; in many forms and many evolutionary paths unless killed quickly. This all depends on how they became zombies and on however the pandemic started, but in the end it will, chances are, not only prove to be doom to all of humanity, but also a hell of a lot of pissed off creationists. Let us explore possible futures and ways we are inevitably going to die.

1a: Classics

Slow, mindless, but overwhelming - these are most likely the beginning stages before they evolve. These will find power in numbers, taking you out with simple armies and manpower rather than technology, mind games and kung-fu ninja cyborgs (we'll explore cyborg zombies in the future). Killing them will be a test of numbers, strength, guns and any and all lunatics in the mood to embrace the philosophy "today looks like a good day to die." Prevention will be our main weapon, so if you see some mindless person not noticing anything around them, unfriendly and with a look of murder in their eyes, shoot on sight before they grow. Warning: Do not conduct this theory around a high school as mistakes will be made and lawsuites will be filed.

1b: Mutations

This could range from the fast ones who will, of course, come after the classics first once the brain gains some intelligence, to giant behemoths who seem to be put on patrol right in front of the end of the levels. Now these fast ones will be a severe nuisance, but they can be contained fairly easily since they will not be able to pick you up and eat you in a single bite. On the other hand, the behemoths can do that. The behemoths are the ones who can shoot acid or are just really large and armed with clubs. These will have a certain weakness depending on their evolutionary track, but the usual good spot is the brain hidden underneath bones and an extra layer of thick flesh, but they are not invincable because if we can stop the *** pandemic of 2012, we can stop anything (look up the *** pandemic of 2012 on this site durring 2013).

1c: Sentiance

The last stage. Assuming you'v lived this far, good for you! If not, then you will surely be missed. but now is not the time for mourning, we still have a war people - the war on zombie intolerance. There will be wars against them due to harsh feeling left over from thier original invasion, but now they're good, so keep your prejudice out of my topic page Deuce Bag.

2: People

You will encounter many people on your path towards survival. We will explore three of them, the ones to avoid. Other than them, it's your call. Most of them, however, will be truly insane. Good luck soldier.

2a: The tyrant of the worthless patch of land

Paranoid, hateful and dare I say a little crabby. He will be the guy to advise that we eat the babies when food becomes scarce. He will be the one with control over some piece of land he insists is the only safe haven, and in order to keep you from leaving the base, thus exposing your position will have your loved ones killed, or even the last girl with sanity left, along with a hot bod left in this damned world of the dead. If you want to survive against him, either wait for zombies to attack and fight your way out, probably meeting his zombie self along the way. Hey no worries, you could also organize a revolution, then at least when you have to fight your way out, meeting the zombie tyrant along the way, you'll have an army of your own. Yipee!

2b: Cultist

They can be of any new spirituality. They can believe the zombies to be a perfect way of life and "want to spread the joy" or they can believe the zombies to be God's new apocalypse. You can either survive them or be badass and stop them. To survive them, ask around and find spots they don't control. Then all that stands between you and the sweet paradise land of noncult-occupied zombie infested land is the cult (and zombies). You can stop them by beating their leader and challenging their ethics. Religious cults are the ones you can actually stop, the other one will either kill itself or disband, but the religious zealots will be harder. They believe themselves to be God's warriors; they willl have no qualms with death, unaware that all that awaits them in the afterlife is God's punishment with zombies and The Hills all night long. You either have to kill their leader in a religious fashion, or better yet have him get eaten by zombies. A little irony you know.

2c: Raiders

They are the ones who revel in the lawless lands of Zombie-World (not as bad as the rodent infested Disney World). They will kill, steal, rape and all of those other social taboos. They love to kill people. They will be those guys in our world either locked up or who you try to avoid that measure of contact because, to put it in layman's terms, he's ******* scary as ****. In this world, he won't be bound by man's laws, he will be free to kill and generally **** your **** up. The trick to them is to either out crazy them, scare them, or just fight fire with fire. I'm serious! Go to their camp and light them on fire and people will love you.

3: afterword

In closing, may I wish you peace. May you survive, may you live through the oncoming war and, most importantly, may you survive. In order to do that, you must be ready. So go out there and prepare Numbnuts.

[dog53]

No Matter how hot a zombie chick is. Never but never give her tongue . Just saying

[krome2ez]

That was awesome!!

Great writing.

I got a tip though.

A large sighting of Zombies were seen in North Carolina.

Here's a pic to thier meeting place.

Edited September 6, 2012 by krome2ez

[Peace]

6 Characters Who Show Up in Every Zombie Movie

Over the decades, the zombie film has become a cherished American institution. We love the moaning bastards so much that their rotting insides may as well be apple pie filling.

(Warning: Do not eat zombie insides, no matter how delicious. You will become a zombie.)

Like any institution, though, details may change but the core experience remains the same. When the zombie apocalypse comes, they might be fast or slow, the world could be post-apocalyptic or day-after-tomorrow, and the social commentary could be heavy-handed or non-existent, but the people you'll encounter will probably seem pretty familiar. Because if we've learned anything, it's that humans are only capable of six psychological reactions to a scourge of the undead. And here they are.

#6.

The Betrayer

Every ragtag team of zombie survivalists will at some point have to deal with betrayal. No, I'm not talking about infidelity, although that too will likely occur (the zombie apocalypse is basically a free-for-all kinky sex-fest). I'm referring to the person who gets bitten by a zombie and neglects to report for immediate deheadification. Torn between fear of becoming a zombie and fear of getting shot in the face by their loved ones, they invariably hide their misfortune until they finally turn into a zombie and get shot in the face by their loved ones. Wouldn't it have been easier just to tell the truth?

Maybe she's a little quirky, but zombie? I just don't see it.

Identifying Characteristics:

*Becomes pale, develops a corpse-like stink and/or requests to have "whichever rations taste most like brains."

*Turtlenecks, scarves or comically oversized watches are usually a bad sign.

Shoot it!

*Claims to "really understand how zombies think. Like, really."

*Offers you admittance to the "Blood Brothers For Life No Shooting Each Other" club they just formed.

*You just saw them have sex with a zombie.

Chances of Survival:

Assuming you don't consider the shambling undead "survivors," nil. Unless the antidote/serum/Z-ray is discovered in the next 24 hours, they've basically bought it. The real question in the betrayer's case is how long they can last. If they're a beloved family member, they'll probably make it right up to the point where shooting them in the face will be most fraught with poignancy. If they're a mysterious drifter who just joined the team, they'll be biting bullet before the end of this reel.

Recommended Course of Action:

Argue heatedly with your companions about whether you really have it in you to kill a fellow human being, all while the human being in debate quietly passes out in the corner. Continue discussions until the infected person leaps at you with mindless hate in their eyes, then reflexively blow their head off. Never speak of them again.

#5.

The Dictator

Odds are you're going to run into the Dictator just when you need them most. You'll be cornered, out of ammo and fending off a horde of particularly deadly zombies. Suddenly, and without warning, armed men in riot gear will zipline in, kill every undead thing in a 10-block radius, and invite you back to their base, which they call "the bunker," "the fortress" or "La Fortaleza" if you're in Mexico. Once inside the compound, the Dictator shouldn't be too hard to spot; he'll be the guy with the crazy gleam in his eye who seems more preoccupied with forming a martial junta than the fact that the dead roam the earth.

No, that's just a crazy old guy who broke into a costume store.

Identifying Characteristics:

*If you're in a "social commentary"-type zombie movie, he's the character that prompts us to ask, "Who's the real monster?"

*He's got a Marine Corps tattoo on his upper arm, a shaved head and/or sleeps wrapped in an American flag.

Still no, that's an Abercrombie & Fitch model. They're usually among the first to go.

*All of La Fortaleza's exit signs have been removed, and the only emigration program to speak of is an incinerator chute marked "enemies of the state."

*He swears the chair he presides from isn't a throne, and the only reason it's made out of zombie skulls is because they happen to be more plentiful than wood.

*Movie night is invariably The Road Warrior, and no one cheers for Max.

That's more like it.

Chances of Survival:

Not great. The law of movie irony dictates that this character will be gruesomely ripped apart by zombies so the heroes can make good their escape. Which just goes to show: You can have all the guns, men and fortified super-bunkers in the world, but in the end you just can't beat the moviegoer's desire to see a jock ****** get his kidneys eaten from behind.

Recommended Course of Action:

Question the Dictator's authority by trying to leave the bunker. When he (quite sensibly, actually) threatens to kill you to keep you from exposing the bunker's location to the zombies above, tell him he doesn't have the right to keep you against your will.

Hey, it's a free zombie overrun country, man.

He'll say something about the needs of the many. Continue trading pithy barbs about the nature of government and inalienable rights until the zombies arrive. See if you can swipe the Mad Max DVD and book it.

#4.

The Sacrifice

In a zombie apocalypse, everyone's got to make sacrifices. You rarely get to sleep indoors, you sometimes get your face chewed off and the caviar is generally sub-par. But no one sacrifices quite as much as the Sacrifice, that character who utters the immortal words: "Go ahead. Leave me. I'm just slowing you down." Whether they've been bitten, twisted their ankle or are just lazy, the fact is, they're no longer able to outrun the seething horror, and they've made the selfless decision to get eaten to buy the rest of you time. Naturally, you honor their bravery by weeping over them so long that the zombies come bursting in, meaning their gruesome death probably saved you a total of about eight seconds.

"But, uh, thanks anyways guy."

Identifying Characteristics:

*They've been a fifth wheel throughout the entire movie, but aren't actually evil, so this is really the only way to bump them up to the "hero" category.

*In a previous scene, they were seen playing a video game involving shooting zombies.

*They've injured themselves, but not in a way that would prevent them from screaming or shooting at the zombies as they get eaten.

*Government forces are mere minutes away from rescuing you.

*You just had a quiet, bittersweet conversation, and string-heavy music is beginning to swell. Slow motion is likely.

Chances of Survival:

Again, not that great. After all, it's hardly a sacrifice if they live, right? If they've agreed to buy the group time by fighting off the zombies, they can expect a swift and hideous death. On the plus side, there's a fairly good chance they'll come back as a zombie later, and an even better chance they'll be most people's favorite character.

Recommended Course of Action:

If they're really dedicated to staying behind, there's no sense arguing about it. Leave them a half-loaded pistol and get out of there.

"Yeah, you're a goner. Well, see ya!"

If you want to truly honor their sacrifice, make the most of the time they've given you. Maybe find an abandoned mini-golf course and play a few holes, or catch a late movie.

#3.

The Expert

For some people, surviving in a world of the living dead just comes naturally. In the small amount of time that zombies have existed, they've already mastered the fine art of dispatching them, down to subtle details like "shoot them in the head" or "they tend to stop biting when you remove the jaw." Whatever badass line of work this person pursued before Z-day, now they're full-time zombie murderers. And, luckily for you, their stubborn moral compass just won't let them turn a bunch of unprepared assholes like yourselves away without coming along for the ride.

Identifying Characteristics:

*Some kind of attractive facial-scar obtained in a bar fight, on an oil rig or during a fight in a bar on an oil rig.

*They claim to have a keen sense for the undead, or the ability to smell their approach. They even claim to "almost respect the sumbitches" just before twisting one's head off with an industrial winch.

*You stumbled upon them in the woods, hills or a shack, and were nearly killed by some kind of devious trap they'd set to catch undead who might wander by.

*They've survived primarily because of an ingrained mistrust of other people, yet within a few minutes have taken you aimless yokels under their protection.

*They're wearing a leather jacket with "I Kill Zombies" embroidered on the back. When asked about it, they claim it refers to an unrelated incident.

Chances of Survival:

Pretty damn good. The only way the survival expert is going to die is if they turn out to be the Sacrifice in an attempt at super-ultra-double poignancy. Otherwise, the last you'll see of them is when they tromp off into the wilderness, grinning through their mountain-man beard at the thought of all the zombies between here and Hell.

Recommended Course of Action:

The Expert is a valuable resource, and you'll definitely want them on your side. Avoid doing anything that would make them think you're on the zombie's side, like having sex with one, trying some brain "just to say you had" or walking around moaning in torn clothes as a clever joke. And remember, the Expert, though rough and rugged on the outside, is at heart a softie. Presumably you'll have a bunch of recently dead relatives or friends to whine about; start the waterworks and next thing you know you'll have the ultimate wingman in your corner.

#2.

The Innocent

Every zombie story needs an annoying escort component, and this is yours. Whatever form this little package of utter uselessness takes--be it a younger sibling, a senile grandmother or litter of puppies--it's your job to watch over it and keep its precious innocence intact as it witnesses hundreds of grisly murders and shits on the rug (although that only applies the grandmother and puppies). Let it die, and you're an *******. And before you say, "Yeah, so what?" and drown it in a stream, you should be aware that assholes almost never survive past the second act.

"Go ahead and abandon me, see what happens."

Identifying Characteristics:

*Little, blemishless faces that seem to say, "Pwease don't wet duh zombies eat me, mistuh."

*Tiny fragile bones that shatter at the slightest impact.

*The ability to drop out of the story entirely for large chunks of time, returning only when their existence is most burdensome.

*They have the whole audience's sympathies.

*A patented "doe-eyed" look they whip out whenever you loudly consider throwing them to the zombies as a distraction.

You manipulative wench.

Chances of Survival:

Astronomical. Only the darkest filmmaker is going to let the Innocent get their brain eaten out. Sadly, this doesn't guarantee your safety in the least, since nothing says "Oscar" like the hero dying in the process of saving the life of an Innocent. But directly threaten the Innocent, and you might as well walk around with the top of your skull sawed off spooning sugar onto your frontal lobe. The key is to find the perfect balance between "selfless hero putting the lives of others before their own" and "child-abandoning murderfaced fucknut."

Recommended Course of Action:

Honestly, your best survival option is to be the Innocent. But if that proves impossible, try picking up the Innocent up waving it in front of you as you slowly back out of the film.

#1.

You

The everyman. The average Joe. You (unless you're a zombie-killing badass, in which case see above).

Identifying Characteristics:

*Was never much of a hero before this whole "global zombie outbreak" thing.

*Maybe, just maybe, has the right stuff to see this thing through to the end.

*Is physically attractive. This is still a movie, after all.

Chances of Survival:

Hard to say. The rate of hero survival in these types of situations is at best a risky venture. And every summer, it seems more directors think the key to giving their zombie flick deeper meaning is to cap the hero in the final scene. But hey, at least you're guaranteed to live until then!

Recommended Course of Action:

Read as many informative articles like this one as you can find. They may not actually prepare you for the zombie apocalypse, but they will entitle you to act like a smartass know-it-all when the **** hits the fan.

[cris]

I was thinking of someone to watch my back...I think I have it figured out

[Peace]

Good times!

No Matter how hot a zombie chick is. Never but never give her tongue . Just saying

I concur

[ayrnay22]

I found this one funny

[cris]

[Cherysh]

lmao.....I was relieved to know I am better off with my Glock than a Beretta (wwhheewww) Once I run out of bullets, (provided I dont use them in the next civil uprising against the government first...lol) my next choice will be a high powered, preferably commercial grade pressure washer used from an elevated location. If all the local firemen have fallen to become corpses themselves, I am highjacking a pumper firetruck and parking next to a huge body of water with a bridge and dumping the suck end into the that body of water! I have a feeling water is going to have a not so nice effect on the zombies, especially at high force! In which case, I will need a few uninfected buddies to help out...please and thank you. GREAT, FUN POST!! lol

[Peace]

lmao.....I was relieved to know I am better off with my Glock than a Beretta (wwhheewww) Once I run out of bullets, (provided I dont use them in the next civil uprising against the government first...lol) my next choice will be a high powered, preferably commercial grade pressure washer used from an elevated location. If all the local firemen have fallen to become corpses themselves, I am highjacking a pumper firetruck and parking next to a huge body of water with a bridge and dumping the suck end into the that body of water! I have a feeling water is going to have a not so nice effect on the zombies, especially at high force! In which case, I will need a few uninfected buddies to help out...please and thank you. GREAT, FUN POST!! lol

Nice! I'll bring the booze.Lets face it assuming we have three people lifting those heavy ass hoses, we will get worn down. So at some point we will have to brave the onslaught of decaying flesh...and i propose since I will be drinking. and this is the person with the "best idea", that we run right at them.... I do believe they would "make a hole" because not only are we running right at them, I will be wielding a super soaker pumping out alcohol, you will light the lighter that i always conveniently carry and all they will see is a hurling ball of flames coming toward them... they will have to make a fn hole...right?

note to self: get a super soaker

[dog53]

Nice! I'll bring the booze.Lets face it assuming we have three people lifting those heavy ass hoses, we will get worn down. So at some point we will have to brave the onslaught of decaying flesh...and i propose since I will be drinking. and this is the person with the "best idea", that we run right at them.... I do believe they would "make a hole" because not only are we running right at them, I will be wielding a super soaker pumping out alcohol, you will light the lighter that i always conveniently carry and all they will see is a hurling ball of flames coming toward them... they will have to make a fn hole...right?

note to self: get a super soaker

So the supersoaker with the alcohol. We wont have to use it all on the zombies ? Right. I mean you are planning on saving some of that. Right?

[Snotrocket]

"I've read The Zombie Survival Guide, and if you like your chances of looting a karate shop and cutting down a horde of corpses with a 15-pound monk's spade, I'm happy that your stupidity will finally yield a spectacular death...."

Damn! Back to the drawing board!

Thanks for the laughs Brandy - +1

[cris]

[Peace]

So the supersoaker with the alcohol. We wont have to use it all on the zombies ? Right. I mean you are planning on saving some of that. Right?

We're already operating on the 'liquid courage", seeing as to how we are flame throwing our way through a gauntlet of reanimated human corpses !

[dog53]

Well you and the girl go ahead then I `ll hang back and guard the rest of the flame thrower alcohol, I mean fuel

[DiveDeepSix]

Nice! I'll bring the booze.Lets face it assuming we have three people lifting those heavy ass hoses, we will get worn down. So at some point we will have to brave the onslaught of decaying flesh...and i propose since I will be drinking. and this is the person with the "best idea", that we run right at them.... I do believe they would "make a hole" because not only are we running right at them, I will be wielding a super soaker pumping out alcohol, you will light the lighter that i always conveniently carry and all they will see is a hurling ball of flames coming toward them... they will have to make a fn hole...right?

note to self: get a super soaker

Ok, so dump the water out of the pumper truck and fill it with gasoline, use the turret spray gun on top and get a couple cases of road flares, cigars would be more bad ass though!

I was thinking of someone to watch my back...I think I have it figured out

ROFLMAO, count me in, probably gonna die anyway, but at least we can go out in style, some distractions are worth death by zombie!! :lol:

Edited September 7, 2012 by DiveDeepSix