The Dot...Enlightening!!!

divemaster5734 · July 27, 2012

I'm gonna get hammered for this, couldn't' help it, so go on, you can post one about Russians, Polacks, or Germans to even it out since I'm a mutt mix of the three...

The Dot ...FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a doughnut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States.

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical advice.

Snotrocket · July 27, 2012

Poland’s worst air disaster occurred today when a small, two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in Central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues.

CAPT JACK · July 27, 2012

LMAO, More jokes like this please! :lmao:

RodandStaff · July 27, 2012

If we can't laugh at ourselves... how can we really laugh at all??? .... for example...

"I'm part Norwegian"... but, I'm taking pills for it!!!!

CAPT JACK · July 27, 2012

Walked by two guys setting in a kiddie pool, eating pork n beans. I ask them what in the world were they doing. They just smiled and said Hillbilly jaccuzzi.

Snotrocket · July 27, 2012

Iraqi Women

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Iraq several

years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily

walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Iraq recently and observed that the men now

walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the

women for an explanation.

"This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women

here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

Replied the Iraqi woman: "Land mines."

Snotrocket · July 28, 2012

If we can't laugh at ourselves... how can we really laugh at all??? .... for example...

"I'm part Norwegian"... but, I'm taking pills for it!!!!

Norwegian Door Prizes

Ole, Lars and Sven had been going to the Sons of Norway

hall meeting as long as there had been a hall. And every

month, wouldn't ya know it, they didn't win a prize in the

monthly drawing. That is until the last meeting.

Sven was the first one of the three to get his name

drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of

noodles, and three pounds of Swedish meatballs.

Ole had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip

tickets to Duluth, a nights stay at the Dew Drop Inn and a

pair of tickets to see the Inger triplets Polka Ensemble.

Ole thought that he had died and gone to heaven.

Lars was the last one to have his name drawn, he won a

toilet brush.

At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to

check out how they had fared for the past month. Sven

said "Uff da, I had dat pasghetti for tree days. It was

so good, and Helga didn't have to buy food for them dere

tree days."

Ole said "Lena was so happy vhen I brought home dem

tickets. The trip up to Duluth was nice, we got to ride da

Greyhound, and you know, they got a built in outhouse on

dat dere bus. And the Inger Triplets, if I didn't know better,

I would swear dey were sisters."

Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked him how his prize

worked out. Lars looks at them both and says "Dat dere toilet

brush is nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper."

divemaster5734 · July 28, 2012

oh nooo... here we go...

Three travelers, one from India, one a Jew and the third a Polak are having trouble finding a room for the night.

After much searching, they finally find an Inn with only two beds left. The innkeeper offers to let the third one of them sleep in the barn.

They draw straws for the two beds, and the Indian is sent off to the barn for the night.

But within five minutes of the Jew and the Polak turning off the lights and going to bed, there is a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door. They open the door and there is the Indian.

"I cannot sleep in the barn," says the Indian, "I am Hindu and there is a cow in the barn. Cows are sacred to us so I cannot sleep under the same roof as one."

The Jew volunteers to go to sleep in the barn.

But within five minutes of the Polak and the Indian turning off the lights and going to bed, there is a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door. They open the door and there is the Jew.

"I can't sleep in the barn either," says the Jew, "there's a pig in the barn, and if I sleep in hay that a pig has touched, I may get some in my mouth and that wouldn't be kosher."

So the Polak ventures out to go to sleep in the barn.

But within five minutes of the Indian and the Jew turning off the lights and going to bed, there is a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door. They open the door and there is the cow and the pig.

Snotrocket · July 28, 2012

The Texan Baby

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and

announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas

baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.

Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender

recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby

that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh

now?"

The proud father answered, "10 pounds."

The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some

weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty

pounds, didn't he? What happened?

The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

dog53 · July 28, 2012

There was a christian preacher in a great flood and he had climbed on top his car to escape the rising water.

Along comes a rescue boat and tells him to jump aboard. He shouts at the

" No ! My lord god will save me I have belief in the lord and my life is in his hands.

As the water rises he climbs to the roof and waits.

By and by another rescue boat appears and the tell him to jump aboard and he shouts

" No ! My lord god will save me I have belief in the lord and my life is in his hands.

So he waits. Pretty soon the water is up to his neck and he`s getting a little worried.

But then he hears a helicopter and when its over him they lower a man to save him.

BUT once again he shouts

" No ! My lord god will save me I have belief in the lord and my life is in his hands.

Sad to say the man drowns a hour later

When he gets to those pearly gates he has the chance to ask his maker

MY Lord why did you forsake me?

and the lord answered

Stupid bastard I sent you 2 boats and a helicopter. :blink:

delta22 · July 29, 2012

How do you get a one armed Polak out of the tree ? Wave to him ! How do you sink a Polish submarine ? Knock on the hatch ! Why does the new Italian navy have glass bottom ships ? So they can see the old Italian navy ! What are used tampons good for ? Teabags for Dracula ! What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a Jap ? A car thief that can't drive !

divemaster5734 · July 29, 2012

How do you get a one armed Polak out of the tree ? Wave to him ! How do you sink a Polish submarine ? Knock on the hatch ! Why does the new Italian navy have glass bottom ships ? So they can see the old Italian navy ! What are used tampons good for ? Teabags for Dracula ! What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a Jap ? A car thief that can't drive !

ROFLMAO love it Delta..

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said,

'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'

And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested.'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,

'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,

'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,

'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,

'I have Commandments.'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There, that should offend just about everybody.

FlyHi · July 29, 2012

The differences between Aussies, Brits, Americans and Candadians

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.

Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.

Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.

Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.

Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.

Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.

Americans: Think that these people are American!

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.

Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.

Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.

Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.

FlyHi · July 29, 2012

If you can't laugh at one's own nationality...you are doomed!

Australian's intelligence .....

1) I am often assailed by Orstralians for being a pommie b...d whereupon I inform that I am a naturalised Ossie, lift my fringe to reveal the lobotomy scar.

2) An Australian is someone who moves comic books without moving his lips

3) If it takes an IQ of 60 to tie shoelaces, why do so many Australians wear thongs?

4) An Englishman wants to marry an Irish girl and is told he needs to become irish before he can do so. It is a very simple operation where they remove 5% of your brain.

Anyway the englishman wakes up after the operation and the doctor comes up to him looking all worried and say "I am terribly sorry, theres been a mistake to be sure, we accidently removed 50% of your brain instead of 5%!"

The englishman sits up and simply say "She'll be right, mate"

FlyHi · July 29, 2012

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".

divemaster5734 · July 29, 2012

An American, Australian, Kiwi and an Englishman were on a plane. Pilot comes over the speaker: "We are going to crash if we don't lose some weight."

Australian stands up, opens the door and says, "I do this for my country," and jumps out.

Pilot comes over the speaker again, "We still have too much weight."

The Kiwi stands up, walks over to the door and says, "I do this for my country," and jumps out.

Pilot comes on the speaker again, "We've still too heavy."

The American stands up and says, "I do this for the rest of world," and throws the Englishman out.

Snotrocket · July 29, 2012

A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says.........."Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong.

delta22 · July 29, 2012

Poland built their own helicopter with no help from the Russians or East Germans. The day of the test flight the whole country assembled at the airport and broke into cheers when Poland's best pilot Stashu came out. Stash got in and flipped all the right switches and toggles ,the rotors start turning and build up torque,the chopper rises a hundred feet and the Polish nation goes nuts cheering and toasting Stash ,it gains two hundred feet and it's like an Elvis concert at the airport. The men are throwing their hats and the women are throwing their panties ,a great day for Poland. The chopper reaches three hundred feet and the rotor cuts off and the chopper smashes into the runway. Every one rushes the wreck and pull Stash out. Quick Stash before you die,tell us what went wrong........Stash answers I got to hundred feet ,was beautiful I could see whole country , I go two hundred feet , I see freedom in Germany , I go three hundred feet ,it got cold I turned off the f ucking fan!!!!!

Snotrocket · July 29, 2012

A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith.

To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers, " the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity." "Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done?"

So in the tradition of the patriarchs he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."

So in the traditions of the Patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. "It is

amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my

son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons?" Brothers, we must take this to God," said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty.

As they prayed the clouds above opened and a mighty voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel..."

divemaster5734 · July 30, 2012

A drunk Irishman staggers into a Catholic Church,

Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his

Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,

there's no paper on this side either!"

aliciadogz · July 30, 2012

Yeah,I can see men doing that.LOL!

Snotrocket · July 30, 2012

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One American soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One American soldier is better than one hundred taliban".

Furious, the taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out again "One American soldier is better than one thousand taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends then across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,

"Don't send any more men, its a trap. There are actually two

cris · July 30, 2012

Bawhahahaha....good one Jules

Snotrocket · July 30, 2012

Nationality of Jesus...

Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence.............

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:

1. His first name was Jesus

2. He was bilingual

3. He was always being harassed by the authorities