Never wax your hoo-ha!!

[delta22]

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now....the wax. Read on..........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should get the waxing kit from the medicine cabinet.

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and

you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?

I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together.

Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet..

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching

down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip).

I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!..... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.

CRAP!

Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out.... I must stay conscious.... I must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe.... OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in

the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... it's not!

I touch.. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake ... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop..

My head may pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand in the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax

should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right ???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom

of the tub..... in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, does not melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation

starter.

'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now ... I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

'IT WORKS!!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......how bad can that turn out???

[respectron]

I read the heading and already started laughing and read a few lines here and there and got out of my chair and R.O.F.L.M.A.O

I seriously haven't laughed that hard in months. Thanks, oh and Giggidy Giggidy Goo

[respectron]

I do hope your alright now! Remember candles are still your friend

To see a actual event like that on youtube or in a movie would be awesome!!!

[smee2]

I have read this before, but it breaks me up every time ... thanks for posting.

Actually, the two posts here that can make me laugh till I cry with every reading are this one about the cold waxing, and the one about the chili tasting contest. They could both be reposted every month and I would be happy.

smee2

[cris]

I literally have gone through this story as a participant.

The gal I was dating at the time called crying, Oh honey,

I did something really dumb. what do i do, what do I do?

Oh sweetie, it cant be that bad.....what is it?

I got that hot wax stuff we saw on the TV.....(she had asked me

my opinion of it when we saw the commercial, and I had said, dont

waste your money, its probably baloney)

So, trying to keep from laughing, and NOT saying 'I told you so'

I asked her to tell me what was the problem was?

Well, its all over my legs! when I took it out of the microwave, it was

pretty hot, so I decided to use all of the strips and do everything at

once.

Errrm, what did the directions say?

Well, it said to use one strip at a time.

And now your legs are completely covered?

Yes!!!, and it hurts!!.....I tried to pull one off, and I thought I was

gonna pass out!!....waaaaa.

The difference in this case, is that there was no extra wax removing

lotion.....I suggested several different options. lotions, soap, peanut

butter.....nothing worked. She ended up standing in a hot shower, ripping

the suckers off.

I've never seen anyone that bruised.....It looked like she had been

whipped with a garden hose.

I dont see those commercials anymore.

Wonder what happened to them.

[respectron]

I literally have gone through this story as a participant.

The gal I was dating at the time called crying, Oh honey,

I did something really dumb. what do i do, what do I do?

Oh sweetie, it cant be that bad.....what is it?

I got that hot wax stuff we saw on the TV.....(she had asked me

my opinion of it when we saw the commercial, and I had said, dont

waste your money, its probably baloney)

So, trying to keep from laughing, and NOT saying 'I told you so'

I asked her to tell me what was the problem was?

Well, its all over my legs! when I took it out of the microwave, it was

pretty hot, so I decided to use all of the strips and do everything at

once.

Errrm, what did the directions say?

Well, it said to use one strip at a time.

And now your legs are completely covered?

Yes!!!, and it hurts!!.....I tried to pull one off, and I thought I was

gonna pass out!!....waaaaa.

The difference in this case, is that there was no extra wax removing

lotion.....I suggested several different options. lotions, soap, peanut

butter.....nothing worked. She ended up standing in a hot shower, ripping

the suckers off.

I've never seen anyone that bruised.....It looked like she had been

whipped with a garden hose.

I dont see those commercials anymore.

Wonder what happened to them.

Kinda reminds me of that scene in 40 year old virgin.

While its funny I bet it wasn't funny for the person dealing with it at the time and wonder if a tear comes from there eye when they tell the story even years later

[cris]

Kinda reminds me of that scene in 40 year old virgin.

While its funny I bet it wasn't funny for the person dealing with it at the time and wonder if a tear comes from there eye when they tell the story even years later

That was one of the funniest movie scenes ever.

Poor gal, I felt bad for her. But I still laugh, remembering that

call....Are you kidding? Both legs are completely covered?.......

Yeeeessss!!! sob, sniffle.

[Tiffani929]

LOL I actually read this joke before my first attempt at waxing. Stupid me. It doesn't matter what kind of kit or type of wax it is. It WILL get stuck to your hoo ha and you WILL call someone crying!

+1 Delta, you always bring the funnies