Would You Marry Again?

[KiaKaha]

Thank you all for your kind words...

Francie, I'm sitting in my office crying all over my desk. I hope no customers need my attention for the next few minutes!

One of my biggest heartaches is that Heather died alone... But altho there was probably a moment or two of terror, she was taken home quickly, no doubt accompanied by loved ones that left before her. I know the pain will never be erased, I just try to honor her every day & look for the positive. I will try to remember your words, Cat, about taking her away from Heaven with negativity. Another reason to look on the bright side.

Again, thank you all for your kind words.

KK

PS If you drink, don't drive & if you drive, don't drink.

[QUEENLJ]

Did it once. Too expensive. Besides they pay better attention to what they cant have. My new mantra you live in your house I live in mine. we visit your family stays at your house my at mine. no problem.

[catmax]

Thank you all for your kind words...

Francie, I'm sitting in my office crying all over my desk. I hope no customers need my attention for the next few minutes!

One of my biggest heartaches is that Heather died alone... But altho there was probably a moment or two of terror, she was taken home quickly, no doubt accompanied by loved ones that left before her. I know the pain will never be erased, I just try to honor her every day & look for the positive. I will try to remember your words, Cat, about taking her away from Heaven with negativity. Another reason to look on the bright side.

Again, thank you all for your kind words.

KK

PS If you drink, don't drive & if you drive, don't drink.

We're here for you.

I know it's a club I never thought I would belong to. Instead of asking why me God, I've starter to ask God to show me. Show me what I am suposed to learn from all this and who am I suposed to help because of the pain I suffer.

Become an observer of life and know that even though this is what real pain must feel like. I have mentioned before when it comes up, the pain is at a level ten. My uncle, who I am close with, right after Anthony died said, "Right now your sadness is 24 hours a day but tomorrow maybe you will only be sad for 23 hours. And eventually he was right. The sadness from missing them becomes less each day. Oh it still hurts at a level 10 but time has help us all deal with it. Thirty years after my brothers death, the pain is just a dull numbing. I'm still raw from my son's death and mybe because he was my child.

They say the brain heals very slowly and that includes our memories of things. But thank God it does heal. So for now cry and scream and even tell God off if you want. He's got big shoulders and He can handle it. Don't skip the stages of grief out lined by author and psycologist Kubler Ross. This life is short in comparison to eternity. We're all going to get there; maybe sooner than we think.

[bamagirl]

KK, Cat, Francie, Smee, Quad just know there's a girl in Alabama that loves you all and prays for you and your grief to be lessened every night....

KK, Cat, Francie, Smee, Quad just know there's a girl in Alabama that loves you all and prays for you and your grief to be lessened every night....

[Maggie123]

In that way, nothing will have changed because any attraction I might find before the RV would certainly not be for my money either. haha

Ya got me there Francie! haha

I'm in the same boat...gettin' harder to keep it afloat.

Is it too much to hope for both love and money?

Nope CSLewis I don't think so dear!

[Francie26]

We're here for you.

I know it's a club I never thought I would belong to. Instead of asking why me God, I've starter to ask God to show me. Show me what I am suposed to learn from all this and who am I suposed to help because of the pain I suffer.

Become an observer of life and know that even though this is what real pain must feel like. I have mentioned before when it comes up, the pain is at a level ten. My uncle, who I am close with, right after Anthony died said, "Right now your sadness is 24 hours a day but tomorrow maybe you will only be sad for 23 hours. And eventually he was right. The sadness from missing them becomes less each day. Oh it still hurts at a level 10 but time has help us all deal with it. Thirty years after my brothers death, the pain is just a dull numbing. I'm still raw from my son's death and mybe because he was my child.

They say the brain heals very slowly and that includes our memories of things. But thank God it does heal. So for now cry and scream and even tell God off if you want. He's got big shoulders and He can handle it. Don't skip the stages of grief out lined by author and psycologist Kubler Ross. This life is short in comparison to eternity. We're all going to get there; maybe sooner than we think.

It's been 12 years since Jim died, and I no longer feel the intensity of the pain. The worst of that has burned away, but I am left with the gentle beautiful memories-- and the love. Always the love. One thing that helped me a huge amount was that for a long time, I sat at my computer every evening--or morning--at some point during the day, and wrote Dear Jim letters. I reminded him of the things we experienced together, of the fun and laughter we shared, and I told him about my tears and heartache. I think he had a pretty good contact up in heaven by then, so he got some great help for me. <smile> I felt Jim's presence so many times as I wrote those letters to him. I still have them in a notebook, and someday, I'll read them again. They will probably remind me of some things I have forgotten, some things we did or things we shared or talked about.

You know, I just thought of this, but one of the rarest things Jim did was that he always put me first. if I mentioned that I would like to go into a little shop as we drove past it, he would turn in. My first husband would say, "oh, you can do that sometime when I'm not with you," or "You don't need to go in there," and just keep on driving. That's just one example, but Jim did it in every way possible. And what that did was to allow me (once I realized he would always do this) to stop guarding my backside and to put him first too. He was a wise man in all of the important ways.

If you are grieving, I recommend writing those letters. They allow you to keep the memories, to still communicate with your loved one, and to eventually conclude unfinished business. Everyone has his or her own way of grieving, so this won't work for everyone, but it literally saved me during that horrible, painful time.

[WorkerBee]

It's been 12 years since Jim died, and I no longer feel the intensity of the pain. The worst of that has burned away, but I am left with the gentle beautiful memories-- and the love. Always the love. One thing that helped me a huge amount was that for a long time, I sat at my computer every evening--or morning--at some point during the day, and wrote Dear Jim letters. I reminded him of the things we experienced together, of the fun and laughter we shared, and I told him about my tears and heartache. I think he had a pretty good contact up in heaven by then, so he got some great help for me. <smile> I felt Jim's presence so many times as I wrote those letters to him. I still have them in a notebook, and someday, I'll read them again. They will probably remind me of some things I have forgotten, some things we did or things we shared or talked about.

You know, I just thought of this, but one of the rarest things Jim did was that he always put me first. if I mentioned that I would like to go into a little shop as we drove past it, he would turn in. My first husband would say, "oh, you can do that sometime when I'm not with you," or "You don't need to go in there," and just keep on driving. That's just one example, but Jim did it in every way possible. And what that did was to allow me (once I realized he would always do this) to stop guarding my backside and to put him first too. He was a wise man in all of the important ways.

If you are grieving, I recommend writing those letters. They allow you to keep the memories, to still communicate with your loved one, and to eventually conclude unfinished business. Everyone has his or her own way of grieving, so this won't work for everyone, but it literally saved me during that horrible, painful time.

It's been 12 years since Jim died, and I no longer feel the intensity of the pain. The worst of that has burned away, but I am left with the gentle beautiful memories-- and the love. Always the love. One thing that helped me a huge amount was that for a long time, I sat at my computer every evening--or morning--at some point during the day, and wrote Dear Jim letters. I reminded him of the things we experienced together, of the fun and laughter we shared, and I told him about my tears and heartache. I think he had a pretty good contact up in heaven by then, so he got some great help for me. <smile> I felt Jim's presence so many times as I wrote those letters to him. I still have them in a notebook, and someday, I'll read them again. They will probably remind me of some things I have forgotten, some things we did or things we shared or talked about.

You know, I just thought of this, but one of the rarest things Jim did was that he always put me first. if I mentioned that I would like to go into a little shop as we drove past it, he would turn in. My first husband would say, "oh, you can do that sometime when I'm not with you," or "You don't need to go in there," and just keep on driving. That's just one example, but Jim did it in every way possible. And what that did was to allow me (once I realized he would always do this) to stop guarding my backside and to put him first too. He was a wise man in all of the important ways.

If you are grieving, I recommend writing those letters. They allow you to keep the memories, to still communicate with your loved one, and to eventually conclude unfinished business. Everyone has his or her own way of grieving, so this won't work for everyone, but it literally saved me during that horrible, painful time.

Sorry I tried to make a post and my computer doesn't want to cooperate.

[Danan]

What a beautiful group of people. I am so sorry for all of your loss. After losing my parents I came to the realization that the old adage, "It gets better with time." isn't exactly true. what happens is we learn to accept the grief and it becomes easier to live with, I can not imagine losing my child or grandchild, it would have to be so much harder than a parent. There are still days, after 5 years that I almost break down when I smell my Mom's perfume or hear an old country western song that my Dad used to play. My heart and prayers are with all of you who have experienced such a loss.

[catmax]

Francie26: As I was reading your post and listen to MercyMe's song " I can Only Imagine;" I could hardly see the screen through my tears. What a great relationship you have with Jim.

I did a similar thing 20 years after my brothers death. I had skipped certain steps in the griving process and was self distructing when that good women; my wife, brought me to someone for help. It was suggested that I write my brother a letter. I told him how much I missed him and thanked him for all things he did for me. I shared all my joy and disappointment I was experiencing. Then when I was done I went and said good to him for now and buried the letters in the woods where I saw a 10 point stag deer earlier that day. As I looked up to clear crisp sky I felt a sense of calmness. I knew that I could talk to him any time and not have to carry arround the burden of his drowning being my fault.

Danan I'm with you: "What a beautiful group of people."

[Mammaw]

I think marriage is a great thing. I have tried it twice. I was married for 28 years the first time, and 8 years the second time. It took me a long time to get over my 2nd husband. I have been "alone" for 4 years now. I am only 59. I took care of my siblings, and went right into marriage and 2 children, and then divorced one year and married again. I never realized until recently that I don't have time for marriage. Between work and children, grandchildren, and now 3 great grandchildren, I just don't have time. And after the RV, well, I am going to be traveling and showing the grandchildren everything I can in all the fabulous sites and experiences right here in the USA. Then I hope to take them on cruises, and other adventures. This is the first time that I will have the funds to do what I want to, not have to ask permission, and not have to wait for someone to decide he wants to go to, or that whether he wants to spend time with my grandchildren.

Marry again, no, NO NO NO. Not for me anymore. Also, even though my 2nd husband was a jerk, ...he was my first real love. And I thought I was doing great until I was looking at photos of our Hawaii trip and his photo popped up. God was good to me and my phone rang just as I was about to loose it. I was able to get my mind off him and get back to my real life. It was my son and he told me I didn't need to live in the past where I got hurt. I was better off here in the now and looking to the future. He was God's answer to my moment. Long story...but you get the idea.

[Francie26]

I think marriage is a great thing. I have tried it twice. I was married for 28 years the first time, and 8 years the second time. It took me a long time to get over my 2nd husband. I have been "alone" for 4 years now. I am only 59. I took care of my siblings, and went right into marriage and 2 children, and then divorced one year and married again. I never realized until recently that I don't have time for marriage. Between work and children, grandchildren, and now 3 great grandchildren, I just don't have time. And after the RV, well, I am going to be traveling and showing the grandchildren everything I can in all the fabulous sites and experiences right here in the USA. Then I hope to take them on cruises, and other adventures. This is the first time that I will have the funds to do what I want to, not have to ask permission, and not have to wait for someone to decide he wants to go to, or that whether he wants to spend time with my grandchildren.

Marry again, no, NO NO NO. Not for me anymore. Also, even though my 2nd husband was a jerk, ...he was my first real love. And I thought I was doing great until I was looking at photos of our Hawaii trip and his photo popped up. God was good to me and my phone rang just as I was about to loose it. I was able to get my mind off him and get back to my real life. It was my son and he told me I didn't need to live in the past where I got hurt. I was better off here in the now and looking to the future. He was God's answer to my moment. Long story...but you get the idea.

What a beautiful story of self-redemption, self-recentering, and self-reclamation!! You are very wise to stay in your own center, and if someone wants to be part of your life again someday, he must move toward your life. You don't have to give up your own life to move into his. I did that with my first husband, and it left me with no life of my own at all for many years. Oh, I got my college degrees during those years, but he was so hateful about it, didn't want me to do it, wanted me under his thumb, but I have never stayed under thumbs well. I just don't belong there, and neither do you. I wouldn't have married Jim, nor even had him in my life if he hadn't come to love my family as much as he loved me. In fact, I know, if I had been the one to go first, he would have stayed as a loving and very loved family member with my family, particularly my first husband's family with whom I have remained close (they are my extended family, and they came to my wedding to Jim), and my youngest daughter, the mother of our little granddaughter who played such a prominent role in my life with Jim. Your son has your wisdom, which is why he was so well armed to offer you your own words to live by--you are better off in the present and the future.

And if you get to a point where you are ready to say a permanent goodbye to the hurt that man caused you, you can write him an extended letter. Write to him often either on your computer or in a notebook dedicated to this, cry as much as you need to do, and do this as long as it takes to get it all, everything, on paper. Tell him everything he did to hurt you, tell him how hateful he was, describe the events in detail, and also tell him that you deserved someone far better and kinder, and even someone more deserving of your wealth (smile) than he is. Tell him all your feelings toward him, including your anger. And by the time you complete this letter, I hope you have a heartful of anger toward him that you can release. Then at the end of it, block out some time just for yourself, put some gentle, quiet, spiritual music on, say a prayer asking God to be with you, light a candle, and burn the letter. As you do, say this-- "His name, I release these painful memories into the Universe where the All-Knowing, All-Wise God will take them from me. You, (his name), no longer have the power to hurt me or to cause me grief in any way. I release you and all my painful memories of you into the vast Universe where only God will remember the pain you caused. Amen." Then feel the peace wash over you. Print the letter and do this as often as you need in order to finally close that door. As you do this, whether the first time or the 20th, which I simply cannot imagine would be necessary, remember,

"With God, all things are possible."

I have found that many events of my life simply require a formal moment of letting go, after which it is easier to do. When I think of some of the things my first husband said and did now, I immediately say, "I have released this thought to God. It no longer hurts me in any way. I no longer have any feelings about this at all. God has lifted that burden from me. Thank You, God. Amen." You'll be amazed at how quickly you feel peaceful, as though none of that pain ever happened. Oh, you will still have the memories if you want them, but just not the pain.

And if this is not for you, then don't bother to do it. haha I just find I can function better when I feel sadness and grief if I formally and privately release the pain, and this is how I do it.

[Francie26]

Francie26: As I was reading your post and listen to MercyMe's song " I can Only Imagine;" I could hardly see the screen through my tears. What a great relationship you have with Jim.

I did a similar thing 20 years after my brothers death. I had skipped certain steps in the griving process and was self distructing when that good women; my wife, brought me to someone for help. It was suggested that I write my brother a letter. I told him how much I missed him and thanked him for all things he did for me. I shared all my joy and disappointment I was experiencing. Then when I was done I went and said good to him for now and buried the letters in the woods where I saw a 10 point stag deer earlier that day. As I looked up to clear crisp sky I felt a sense of calmness. I knew that I could talk to him any time and not have to carry arround the burden of his drowning being my fault.

Danan I'm with you: "What a beautiful group of people."

catman, what a loving tribute to your brother!! You know he would not have wanted you to feel such extreme guilt and pain, and your very wise wife gave you a way to deal with your feelings, a way to release them into nature. And that you chose such a lovely place where both you and your brother would have enjoyed being together is another part of your tribute to him. You left your feelings and grief in that beautiful place with nature (the stag) as your guide. I believe strongly that our loved ones stay with us sometimes when our grief is too heavy. So I believe your brother was by your side as you buried those letters, and that he must have felt at that moment that he could go to God now, because he knew you were going to be alright. The stag in that place was your totem, a small voice of nature telling you that, once you buried those letters in that spot, your brother could go on, and so could you. And it was such a loving moment of sharing with your brother one last time, of saying goodbye--you hadn't had time to do that when his death came so quickly.

Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful treasure of a very private memory with me. When we love, we are sometimes forced to let go before we want to do it, but the more formality we can put into those moments of letting go, the more signifcance and even ritual we can create for them, the better they serve us in allowing us to move beyond a difficult time or letting go of the painful memories and thoughts.

[Francie26]

Francie26: As I was reading your post and listen to MercyMe's song " I can Only Imagine;" I could hardly see the screen through my tears. What a great relationship you have with Jim.

I did a similar thing 20 years after my brothers death. I had skipped certain steps in the griving process and was self distructing when that good women; my wife, brought me to someone for help. It was suggested that I write my brother a letter. I told him how much I missed him and thanked him for all things he did for me. I shared all my joy and disappointment I was experiencing. Then when I was done I went and said good to him for now and buried the letters in the woods where I saw a 10 point stag deer earlier that day. As I looked up to clear crisp sky I felt a sense of calmness. I knew that I could talk to him any time and not have to carry arround the burden of his drowning being my fault.

Danan I'm with you: "What a beautiful group of people."

]I also believe that someday, maybe a couple thousand years and a few light years away, on a bright blue planet in another solar system, (no doubt "far, far away" haha) a young girl will trudge along a country road, swinging her lunch pail in one hand and her book bag in the other as she walks home from school, when a young boy with snappy brown eyes and a delightful grin will come toward her. And Jim and Fran will meet again.

[catmax]

Fran... What can I say but Thank you...................................... and namaste

[Francie26]

Fran... What can I say but Thank you...................................... and namaste

Saying something isn't necessary, but you are very much more than merely welcome. I'm just glad to have met you and to have been allowed to hear your lovely soul-story. And as I do myself, all you need to do is to pass it on when your turn comes, as it surely will.

[brbrlocke]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss!!

I am not sure I could handle the loss one of my daughters! I pray to God that he takes me before one of my children!

I think that is a parent's worse nightmare to lose a child. I hope I never have to go through it. It's been hard enough on me this week when I found out my son lost part of his thumb at work. As far as getting married again....I've put in 39 years so far between two husbands and it's just too hard breaking in a new one. I'm too old to start over again.

[Francie26]

ahh marriage when back in the day it was actually of value and benficial to both parties now adays sadly the system is very corrupt and its way too easy to get a divorce. I must admit i dont really ever wanna get married but of course i wanna find true love again i was engaged previously to my ex for 6 months and was in a five year relationship and we didnt go through with it simply because it didnt seem right at the time do i regret not going through with it? absolutely NOT, i knew it would have been disasterous and more than likely ended up in divorce. In these present times i just dont see marriage as what it used to be sorry to be a downer but just my views so i hope to find someone i can cherish and be with for a lifetime and be faithful to but without the paperwork and being just another dummy in the system.

If religion doesnt define you to have a relationship with Christ, why is it so important? a relationship with the lord is about loving him and having faith and not being brought down by religion

should the court system define your love for your spouse? i dont think so yet some DO which i will never understand i do understand the vow part about taking oath to that someone but what if they arent religious and you arent then does the vows really matter anymore?

It was never easy to find someone with the same level of staying-power that you have, but it is worth the search and the wait to find that person. I think most people misunderstand love. I didn't "fall" in love with Jim, nor did he with me. We enjoyed each other, spent time together, laughed together, supported each other, came to cherish each other, finally knew we wanted to stay together for the rest of our days, and we decided that we wanted to formalize our life together with a public ceremony performed by a minister. We chose a minister because we wanted an official who was authorized to speak for God to officiate at our marriage. And we based our decisions on the strength of our feelings for each other. I didn't want someone to promise to love me, and then to feel loose, unencumbered, and free enough to take a hike the first time we had a fuss. I wanted us to share all our important things, including property, feelings, ideas, laughter, making wild impassioned love and lying together giggling afterwards like two silly school kids. If you don't trust him or her to hang around and to be there for you, especially in tough times, why bother to even try to have a relationship. You have a pal, a buddy, an independent factor living in your home, not a committed partner, if all you have is an apartment and maybe a baby together. Casually saying marriage is no more than a piece of paper tells me you don't have a clue what it really is. Marriage to your relationship is like tying your shoes to your feet--they just stay on better if you do it. So does your committment to another person if you are married to him/her. It just has better staying power. To me, marriage is swimming with your spouse in the ocean of life. But living together loosely with no committment is merely toe-dipping in the shallows along the edge of the shore One is meaningful; the other is not. And I guarantee, if you doubt the values of the vows, you will never find someone who values them because such people will be forever just around the bend and out of your sight. Set your own beliefs and values before you go looking for someone else who shares them. Once you do that, you will be surprised at how many people around you share those values. I chose marriage as a strong value, and I would not have lasted very long with someone who didn't share this important value. But then I wanted a level of trust that can't be found in a less-committed relationship. Better or worse has to mean something, and I wanted that level of trust. Without it, I would not have been able to settle into the relationship. It would have always felt temporary. And I am a girl for the long haul, not a temp. Anyway, if any of you are curious, that's why Jim and I both opted for marriage. Oh, and in addition, he spoiled me rotten, treated me lavishly, and I literally wallowed in it, but for that, I gave him a lifetime of trust, respect, love, honor, and fidelity. I think it came out about even. haha